Army Honors Pig War Veterans

In observance of of Veteran’s Day, Army Chief of Staff General George W. Casey presided over a ceremony at Fort Benning, Georgia today, honoring “our nations greatest heroes,” by which of course he meant the veterans of the infamous 1859 Pig War.

For the uninitiated, the Pig War was a brief and very real war concerning a dispute over the border between the United States’ Oregon Territory (modern-day Washington State) and the Great Britain’s Columbia territory (today known as Australia).

Hostilities first broke out on the San Juan islands, territory claimed by both sides, after an Irishman watched as his pig wandered onto an American farmer’s land. Legend has it the Irishman just laughed as the pig dug up the Yankee’s potatoes. His exact words have been lost to history, but scientists believe he probably giggled in a high-pitched voice and shouted something about children trying to steal his breakfast cereal. The American responded by shooting the pig in the head.

So as we’ve all done when a neighbor has murdered our livestock, the Irishman called in the army. Military forces built up on both sides, the Americans sent in infantry troops, the British responded by bringing in warships. The Americans brought in artillery, British sent in the Marines. Then the big guns started coming out. The Americans flew in John Wayne from his vacation home in Palm Beach. The British responded by deploying the SAS, James Bond, and Winston Churchill and his band of Merry Men. The Americans retaliated by bringing in Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.

Despite the massive troop buildup, both sides were under orders not to fire the first shot. As a result, they spent the next few months sitting around, trying to goad the other side into firing first. In the end, discipline won the day and the pig was the only casualty of the conflict. However a tense moment almost erupted into full on hostilities when an American officer yelled across the trenches, calling a particularly thin-skinned British corporal a “douche nozzle”.

After the close of the Pig War, the returning troops were hailed as heroes. For their service to God and Country they were declared “The Greatest Generation” by olde-tyme newspaperman Oliver Wendell Sideburns Copperbottom, the Most Trusted Man in America during February and March of 1860.

General Casey’s remarks reflected his deep respect for the sacrifice of the Pig War veterans. “America is the nation it is today because the noble actions of those brave men,” he said, “they upheld the highest traditions of American Values, including opposing Canadian tyranny and shooting motherf**king pigs dead.”

The ceremony opened with the Pledge of Allegiance, the singing of the National Anthem and the Official Army Song, “F**k You and the F**king Foreigner Pig You Rode In On”. This was followed by the ceremonial slaughter of a full-grown adult boar.

Army spokesmen said the pig carcass will not be eaten, and will be left to rot on a spike as a warning to “uppity Brits”.