Hamish Leonardo Kraftwerker Magee, Chief Druid of Dumfries, (previously known as Third Baron Trevelyan Montague of High Wycombe), has narrowly escaped being sent to Guantanamo Bay on the grounds of being a jihadist militant.
In in his inimitable Scottish brogue, he told me:
“Darling, I simply could not comprehend why they wished to put us on a plane and send us to some Cuban prison Wotan-knows-where. Simply piffle!
“Why, old bean, we were only going to visit our sister goddess in Egypt, ISIS. She is quite a favourite deity of mine, you know; us pagans are very tolerant of the deities of others…
“Apart from the deities of all those scummy Abrahamics of course, because they are all backward, reactionary and narrow-minded.
“Well, I wasn’t sure what the guns and all were about, I assumed it was merely some arcane and archaic ritual with phallic iron devices. It was only when we were captured and waterboarded…
“(Ew! Darling! It was totes improper, indeed!)…
“Yes, only then did I realise what a petit boo-boo one had made.
“Well, yes… apparently the ISIS that is being talked about in television is nothing whatsoever to do with my beloved and exalted Celestial Mother. I’m afraid that was something of a disappointment, as it were.”
He won’t be staying out of politics though. His Holiness is planning to channel the spirit of some left-wing economic genius such as Karl Marx, Leonid Brezhnev or maybe Harold Wilson (at a push)…
To help Ed Balls overcome his demons, and formulate a way to revive and heal the economy.
We asked Ed Balls if this is true, but he appeared unable to give us a clear, specific and concrete answer.
We expect that this augurs well for the future.
Originally published on The Spoof.