Venice, Fla – GlossyNews.com – Where the Sun Don’t Shine Nudist Camp in Venice, Fla was the scene of a recent major FBI raid as agents, posing as nudist camp members, sprang a trap on a dozen alleged Russian spies au naturel.
“This is the first major FBI operation in history in which agents went undercover in the altogether to investigate naked suspects,” says agent Julie Nubilstorm.
“In essence our cover was to get uncovered. We were aware that this particular nudist camp was functioning as a staging ground for a group of unclad Russian agents who thought they’d be safe from surveillance since there is apparently no place to conceal surveillance equipment in a nudist camp and none of them ever dreamed FBI agents would show up in there in an analogous unclad state.
“Hence they frequently gathered in this place to exchange all sorts of classified intelligence, false passports, and secret code names, thinking they were not being observed by law enforcement.
But actually FBI agents were lurking all over the place, taping and recording their every move using such high-tech devices as microphones disguised as pubic hair follicles, micro-cameras hidden in body cavities, and, in one case, an ultra-sensitive video camera in the tip of a pena colada swizzelstick.”
While details of the operation remain sketchy, it appears the FBI agents had been surveilling the naked Russian ring for months, eavesdropping and often even masquerading as fellow Russians by joining in on their thickly-accented jam sessions out on the beach. “Ve found not too deefecult to blend een,” quips Nubilstorm, “und mooch surprised they talk so mooch about same theeng always, und that eez American bazeball.”
Although it might appear to the casual observer that the twelve Russians (six men and six women) were actually just tourists on an X-rated fling in the West, agents claim to have captured audio of conversations in which incriminating things were discussed like rockets, Reds, pirates, nationals, rays (presumably referring to laser-ray weapons), heat (a slang term for guns), bucks, and supersonics.
When it was pointed out by a Glossy News reporter that all those terms are actually names of major league baseball teams or NBA teams, Nubilstorm responded, “But you can ask how a bunch of Russkies can know so much about U.S. sports. That’s suspicious behavior right there. Not that it matters at this point since they’re already on their way back to Russia. They’ve gotten swapped for two American spies, both coming home from Siberia. You might say our spies came in from the cold and theirs got rounded up on the beach.”