Categorized | War Zone

Taliban Announces 30,000 Jihadist Surge to Match US

Taliban Announces 30,000 Jihadist Surge to Match US

President Obama today announced that in line with the Rothshite Zionist-dictated edict that the United States is not allowed a Middle East or foreign policy separate from – or in conflict with – Israel’s, he will be dispatching an additional 30,000 troops to Afghanistan to reinforce the ones those nasty Taliban keep snuffing.

“Me and Rahm have decided that it is in the vital financial interest of our oil and gas corporations and our military-industrial complex – and too out heroin dealers – to send an additional 30,000 US troops to Afghanistan.”

“This recession thing the Fed’ caused is great – unemployed guys are starving and ready to sign up as cannon fodder for just three squares a day. Hellfire, the next 30,000 are already lining up as I speak. God bless America.”

President Obama had the difficult challenge of not only selling this little bit of treason to his own nation – (the US – not Kenya) – he also needed to send the right messages to the government of Afghanistan, to the Taliban and al-Qaeda, to Pizza Hut and Wal-Mart, to the Israeli lobby running the Senate and Congress, to his allies in NATO – and to the world at large – all of which – collectively – seem to have taken no bloody notice whatsoever.

General Ghengis McTwat, senior analyst for the ultra-secret Military Catastrophes department at the Royal Institute of Advanced Guessology, assessed what difference this will make on the ground.

“Absolutely none in regard to achieving victory – but conversely the extra troops will provide a further 30,000 targets for the Taliban to shoot at – regardless of the US army providing more bullets to fire at the insurgents – and even new rifles to put the bullets in. Hopefully they supply 30,000 of their new insulated leak-proof body bags too.”

Obama announced the planned increase of 30,000 troops will begin early in 2010 – as soon as the New Year festive season hang-overs wear off – unless the cannon fodder recruits wake up to their ‘lost causes’ predicament and desert en mass.

This number is somewhat less than the 400,000 demanded by General Billy Bob McChrystal, commander of both NATO and US forces. However, he expects other nations to increase troop levels – if they can find anyone stupid enough to sign up.

A recent Internet anti-recruitment blitz, implemented by the radical Islamic Jolly Jihadi’s website, broadcast the most damaging information to likely US and Western military recruits – that ‘the definition of a volunteer was some dork who had totally misunderstood the question put to them’.

McChrystal also faces the problem of some nations’ plans to withdraw forces – with the French cheese-eating surrender monkeys threatening to bring their entire contingent of 20 troops home for the Christmas holidays.

It is worth reflecting at this point on the sad fact that the US contribution – which is intended to exceed 100,000 (for now) – will be no larger than the Evil Empire’s Soviet presence at the height of its occupation of Afghanistan – which resulted in an utter and highly embarrassing failure – much like the preceding Vietnam debacle when the US military got its sad ass well chewed then chased out by a bunch of Third World ‘gook’ guerrillas.

McChrystal and the US Ambassador to Kabul have declared there must also be a surge in the civilian contribution, and the Afghan military and police security forces be expanded to provide some front line cannon fodder while NATO are busy protecting President Hamid Kami-Karzi’s corrupt and inept government – and this year’s burgeoning poppy crops.

Conversely the quality of Afghan security forces is every bit as important as quantity – and as many US military strategists have pointed out – how do you turn a bunch of goat-bonking rag-arsed shepherds into an efficient fighting force when they don’t know one end of a rifle from the other and keep tripping over their own beards?

One further bone of contention – in this graveyard of ‘bones’ and ‘contentions’ – is how will the 30,000 new US troops be made up?

Pres’ Obama has not yet addressed nor clarified this aspect but it is understood that they will include latrine diggers, PX store counter assistants – and a fully-trained contingent from the US Army’s elite 25th Agricultural Science Regiment – to look after the poppy crops and opium production.

From a military viewpoint, there are three problems with Pres’ Obama’s intended strategy. The first is whether the force levels are enough to turn the tide against the Taliban and win Gen Billy Bob’s McChrystal’s predicted “short fight” by July 2035.

Other options might be a more incremental approach, with the accompanying challenge of herding the Taliban insurgents into a tactical predicament of isolation – away from the opium-producing regions – then nuking them.

Right now Obama is sticking with his announcement that withdrawal of US forces will begin by 2035, assuming the transition and transfer of responsibility to Afghan forces has been successful

However this very issue of a stated date for drawdown could play into the hands of al-Qaeda and the Taliban, allowing them to bide their time before returning to the offensive as they did following the Soviet ‘cut and run’ withdrawal – where they took over the entire country and publicly butchered President Mohammad Najibullah for his past sins.

In conclusion, there is the matter of President Kami-Karzai’s commitment to change – to sort out the nepotism, corruption and criminality that are the current foundation stones of his kleptocracy of a government – and to expand and improve Afghan security forces from the cowardly rabble of career criminals they now represent to at least the quality and efficiency of Girl Guides – and shed off his evolved culture of dependency on the US and international support.

Hence, while reflecting on the proven historical fact that nobody ever wins a guerrilla war – apart from the guerrillas – at the end of the day it all comes down to who’s going to get ‘Shocked and Awed’ first – the Taliban Dan Gang (and the non-existent al Qaeda) – or the US and NATO?

As Taliban Dan personally informed the Al Jezeera news agency last night “So, they will send 30,000 more wet recruits – while our Pan-Islam Jolly Jihadi brothers are right now recruiting 30,000 more Mujahideen to fight in our cause.”

“First we shall kick out the Western infidel running dog invaders from the Zionist Great Satan who are stealing our opium to finance their dirty false flag Neo-Imperialist wars – and then we will deal with their weiner-sucking lackey Hamid Kami-Karzai and his band of traitors.”

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- who has written 211 posts on GlossyNews.com.

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com

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