Weapons Inspector: Suicide Profession or Good Fun?

Police are investigating a possible crime scene after a British atomic energy and weapons specialist involved in negotiations with Iran over its nuclear programme fell 40 metres to his death inside the UN’s headquarters building in Vienna.

Officials announced this morning that the man – named as Professor Timothy Hampton – died on the spot yesterday after a fall from the 17th floor at the Vienna International Kamikaze Centre – one of the United Nations main European HQ’s along with Geneva.

The 47-year-old scientist died instantaneously after falling more than 120ft to the bottom of a stairwell. Preliminary police forensic reports leaked to the Seppuku Gazette indicate that Hampton was wearing neither a regulation hi-viz jacket, safety boots, a parachute nor a crash helmet. Police detectives photographing Hampton’s felo-de-se ‘launch point’ quickly noted that no evidence of bungee jumping equipment was discovered at the scene either – definitely indicating a motive of self-harm.

Prof. Hampton worked for the Comprehensive Nuclear-Test-Ban Treaty Organization, an international agency charged with uncovering illicit nuclear weapons programmes – similar to North Korea’s and Israel’s – both non-consignees of the International Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty.

A UN spokeswoman, Fellattia Slimebaum, based in the Austrian capital, informed Fux News there were no “suspicious circumstances” surrounding the scientist’s death, apart from the fact he had a mouthful of Co-Proxamol tablets and exhibited signs of having attempted to slash his own wrists with a blunt penknife.

Vienna CID Inspector Seymour Weaselberg told the media that no suicide note had been discovered so far and that third parties were not believed to have been involved. The fact that the man’s hands were secured behind his back with tie wrap plasti-cuffs simply indicated further evidence of his determination to take his own life.

Further official details were not readily forthcoming nor available – beyond the announcement that an in-camera autopsy would be held once investigators had mopped up all the blood and gore with blotting paper.

The incident occurred on Tuesday evening as Britain, the United States, France, Russia and Iran held talks on the same floor of the building aimed at cooling tensions over suspicions concerning Tehran’s conjectured nuclear programme.

Four months ago another UN scientist – also identified as a British nuclear weapons inspector – fell from the same floor of the same building, according to gossip coming fresh off the rumour mill.

Vienna International Kamikaze Centre maintenance staff employed by the UN informed the Conspiracy Gazette that there had been a similar case in July, when an employee died after he tripped and fell from the same stairwell entrance on the 17th floor to the basement level 40 meters below.

Chinese whispers abound that when he delivered his official specialist report to the IAEA’s multi-national taskforce that afternoon Professor Hampton had clearly stipulated that in his team’s qualified opinion neither the Tehran government nor elite Republican Guard military were pursuing a clandestine nuclear bomb programme –and fabricated evidence of such was based entirely on a US-Israeli generated ‘weapons of mass distraction’ propaganda campaign to provide an excuse to attack and invade the country and steal it’s oil resources – just like Iraq.

Unfortunately Hampton decided to take his own life before publicly revealing the contents of his report at a press conference scheduled for later that evening.

Perhaps prophetically, according to reliable tittle-tattle from UN and IAEA whistleblowers, Hampton ventured to colleagues over lunch that “If I deliver our report this afternoon then I’ll probably be found dead in the woods – or at the bottom of a stairwell.”

Vienna police informed Pox News that Tel Aviv-based Kosher-Cam, the security providers for the UN buildings globally, claimed the CCTV cameras on the 17th floor has experienced a breakdown due solar activity and were not working at the time of the unfortunate accident.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com