Policy makers have agreed that financial rating agencies are to be reformed.
In the expected announcement, the European Parliament said; “The Big Three, Moody’s, Finch and Standard and Poor’s, are now so far behind financial trends that we have no other option then to downgrade them”.
The downgrade comes at a bad time for rating agencies, which are under criticism for the poor timing of their own downgrading announcements of countries, companies or banks.
The policy team at the European Parliament have stated that the agencies will now be rating the wobbliness of jelly, on a scale of 1 to 10.
“We felt that it is only right that the agencies start with the basics of finance, and the wobbliness of jelly has a small yet important role to play.”
Sceptics of the new policy, however, say that the policy does not go far enough in the way of weeding out corruption and being tougher on the fundamental conflict of interests.
“It is the jelly industry that pays the salaries of the rating agencies, so they are not going to rock the plate with the boss” says chief economist at Loyalty Bank, “I think we are all sick and tired of buying shares of jelly based on a 10 rating, only to find, 5 days later, that it isn’t even worth a 4”.
Jelly companies were quick to quiver to the defence of the rating agencies in light of the new announcement;
“Our ongoing commitment to the recommendations of the rating agencies has nothing to do with giving out company a 10 rating for no reason” said a Bellies Like Jellies spokesperson.
Other, smaller, agencies have decided to take the ethical route, choosing instead to rate the time it takes for an ice cube to melt in a double whisky. Trinity Ratings said; “We are sure our ratings on ice cubes is highly informative and not a waste of time or funds”.