NEW YORK – Renowned French sexual predator Dominique Strauss-Kahn is in police custody today, charged with running a global loansharking scheme that forced impoverished nations to submit to humiliating and degrading terms as a condition of their borrowing.
Authorities said the loan scheme, known as the International Monetary Fund (IMF), is suspected of having caused devastating social and economic impact to borrower countries under the guise of humanitarian assistance.
Tragically, the scheme’s victims were primarily Third World nations, the most desperate and therefore the most vulnerable to the seductive overtures of the IMF, which reportedly offered “easy money” in exchange for so-called “loan conditionalities”.
Those conditions – attached without regard for the borrower countries’ individual circumstances – were based on what is termed the ‘Washington Consensus’, focusing on liberalization of trade, investment and the financial sector, together with deregulation and privatization of nationalized industries.
Det. Denny McIntyre, the lead investigator in the case, cited numerous examples of how the loan scheme abused its victims.
“For instance,” Det. McIntyre said, “in Kenya in the 1990s, they made the Central Bank remove controls over flows of capital, which made it easier for corrupt politicians to transfer money out of the economy. During the Asian crisis of 1997, countries such as Indonesia, Malaysia and Thailand were required to pursue tight monetary and fiscal policies to reduce their budget deficits and strengthen exchange rates.
“These policies caused a minor slowdown to turn into a serious recession with mass unemployment. In 2001, Argentina was forced into a similar policy of fiscal restraint, which led to a decline in investment in public services which damaged the economy.”
“It’s shocking,” Det. McIntyre said with evident anger. “The more we learn about this organization and its nefarious behavior, the more disgusting it becomes.”
Friends and associates of Strauss-Kahn expressed shock and disbelief at the charges leveled against the widely respected sexual predator.
“I have known Dominique since we were schoolmates,” said one acquaintance who requested anonymity. “While he certainly might force some secretary or hotel maid to her knees to perform fellatio upon him under the threat of dismissal, I just can’t imagine him forcing some Third World nation to its knees to submit to his stiff financial conditions.”
“Dominique loves people,” the acquaintance continued. “It’s obvious from the way he always reaches out and squeezes the bosoms of any passing female colleague. Is that the kind of man who would squeeze the attractive economy of some poor, uneducated and disadvantaged people? I don’t think so. Sexual predator? Yes, of course. But, loan predator? Never.”
Lawyers representing Strauss-Kahn said that while he may have been involved in some loans to impoverished nations, they were always consensual in nature. “In the end, whatever conditions may have been attached, those countries took the money voluntarily,” the lawyers stated. “They knew what they were getting into.”
Det. McIntyre said the case against Strauss-Kahn is progressing, noting that DNA samples matching the accused have already been found on the director’s office chair and desk at the IMF headquarters in Washington. “There’s no doubt in our mind that this scumbag is the guy we’re looking for,” he said.
In our modern world it is hard to tell sometimes.
A well thought out bit of satire. Wait this IS satire, isn’t it?