Since it bought out the new, hot running Marvel Comic Movie Studio responsible for such blockbuster hits as Spider-Man, Iron Man and the X Men series, Disney Corporation has begun to institute major changes into the Marvel superheroes to bring them into the ‘Disneyesque’ way of doing things.
Too used to exaggerated violence, slinky sexy costumes and weird, non-earthly enemies, the superheroes were having a hard time conforming to the Disney way of doing things. Disney and Marvel, although both dwell in the realms of the imagination, seem to be coming from opposite poles of that universe. That they could find any common ground at all is amazing.
It is like a marriage between Obama and Barbara Bush.
First to go are the overly sexy costumes which would embarrass anyone’s grandmother. Secondly, the violence addiction that most of the heroes have would be enough to send the smaller toddlers at Disneyland running shrieking for the front gates should they ever be installed as permanent costumed figures there.
Disney has long had a great desire to have control over the entire realm of fantasy story telling (see previous great article written by an exemplar author entitled “Disney Tries For Bold Corporate Takeover Of Entire Realm Of Fantasy”). Wanting to always remain the top dog in the imaginative tale telling department, Disney will go to any length to retain their status as #1.
This greed has lead them to such covert acts as sabotaging the studio that makes the Simpson’s, firebombing the South Park writers and paying North Korea to kidnap and enslave Taiwanese and South Korean cartoonists who do the majority of the work on animated movies. Buying up all the sources of green ink held up the latest Shrek movies release and they have even gone so far as to order hits made on Japanese amine artists.
While dealing with the Marvel characters they are proving to be equally as ruthless. Disney has always enforced a strictly conformist policy, and Marvel’s spandexed clad hunks and divas will be no exception. All superwomen of overly proportional bosom sizes will need to get breast reduction surgery to avoid worrying parents about what their little boys (and girls for that matter) might see in them. Also, all heroes and heroines will start being issued baggier uniforms to prevent viewers from too much of an eyeful of any unique bodily formations.
The Hulk is being required to take anger management classes and to smile more in order for him to be a more people friendly character under the Disney regime, a fact that has the Great Green One seething in anger. “Hulk must smile? That bull—-” the occasional Bruce Banter entity gasped between clenched teeth in a very un-Disneylike way. “Hulk smash their throats!”
Fortunately the Disney lawyers who were presenting the command to the Hulk were backed up by body guards with stun guns before the Great Green One was able to squeeze their heads like zits. Ditto with Wolverine who reacted negatively to the news that he would have to give up his Canadian citizenship before he could perform in the Disney ranks. Security guards were wisely armed with powerful tranquilizers when he got the news.
In an effort to appease Catholic fans, Daredevil will have to relinquish his horns and become Daredancer, a member of a New York ballet troupe who beats up the bad guys by pirouetting into them and throwing them up in the air like a ballerina. Marvel execs are worried about the revenue losses on that one.
Prince Namor, the misanthropic undersea dwelling superhero, will have to be more tourist friendly when dealing with land humans. “Oh the misery of it! To think I must be kindly to these air sucking land apes! I wish I could invite them to visit my world so that they would all drown!” stated the undersea king in a statement that did reach management ears and earned Namor a night in a fresh water tank as punishment.
Dr. Doom is being ordered to take off his iron mask when he comes through the gates to the Disney studios, an act that has the guards there hurling into their trash cans when they see his real face. Iron Man is also not to keen on taking off his mask either as it takes him an hour to both take it off and put it back on.
The guards have also been subjecting Sue Richards, the shapely female of the Fantastic Four (played by the also shapely Jessica Alba in the movies) to a strip search probably motivated by interests other than security. She has been replying to the humiliation by turning invisible at the crucial moments, much to the dismay of the guards.
An unfortunate incident that put a couple of Disney employees in the hospital and the future movie career of the Silver Surfer in peril occurred when they told the intergalactic star that he would have to wear some sort of Hawaiian shorts so that it didn’t look like he was surfing naked. The Silver One in his typical overly reactive way fried them like bacon.
pfft. bit late… All of these ‘jokes’ are so 2009