Top 2010 Investment Tips

New York, NY (BNSE) — Expectations for significant economic growth are foreseen in the second half of 2010, according to a blue ribbon panel of financial, economic, and business leaders. Despite uncertain global economic conditions plagued by mounting international sovereign debt, the panel concludes “substantial upside potential in nontraditional markets which could lay the groundwork for future economic improvements into the first and second quarters of 2011.”

In the panel’s report, several non-traditional and emerging markets were showcased as a guide to savvy investors looking to diversify their portfolios into a higher growth potential orientation while maintaining a more conservative risk exposure.

“We wanted to show in a very realistic sense which market segments are primed for growth despite current economic conditions,” said one member of the panel. “Even in the toughest economic times, there are areas of prosperity. Sometimes, it is just a matter of thinking outside the box and exploring what the economy will look like in 2011 and 2012, rather than 2008. Our predictions based on the most conservative estimates of what the real economy for the next few years, if not decades, will look like. These are not pie in the sky projections, but the most realistic estimates of what the new 21st Century economy will look like, and how investors everywhere can take advantage of these new trends.”

Among the panels recommendations were:

1. Human Meat Commodities: Cannibalism is the wave of the future as food prices continue to climb and mounting government debts limit food stamp and food relief programs. According to the report, “Initially investors will be hesitant to accept cannibalism. However, as economic conditions continue along their current trends, more and more people will embrace this valuable and inexpensive food source. As the average consumer’s comfort level grows with this new cuisine, new market opportunities will emerge as enthusiasts begin to expand their culinary horizons beyond wildly attacking grandma on the kitchen floor. Some segments primed to growth are cannibalism oriented cook books and multimedia, restaurant chains, and even the medical field as hospitals convert over to sausage production.”

2. The Cardboard Housing Sector: Cardboard boxes will become the trendy condos of the new millennium, states the report. “Already, cardboard manufacturers are seeing a sharp spike in sales due to thousands of Americans exploring biodegradable living. As this market most certainly grows, traditional building companies will quickly seize the opportunity to offer the consumer more rigid, portable, cardboard boxes to live in that do not smell like dirty feet. Eventually, associated markets will also experience growth from this trend as consumers expand their dwellings to multiple box encampments under bridges, abandoned manufacturing pants, and any secluded area near a river. Glass jar companies will be pressed to production capacity as the demand for lavatories skyrockets.”

3. Two Guys in a Blue Van Retail Sector: A mainstay of the non-traditional economy; out of trunk, parking lot, and bar room direct sales retailers will rival their brick and mortar competitors as cost conscious consumers seek to further stretch their disposable incomes. Market segments showing the most potential for expansion are car radios with torn wires, all varieties of leather coat apparel, and firearms.

4. Domestic Violence Personal Services: Lifestyle adaptations to new economic realities will spur an upsurge in various personal training and advising services for the style conscious consumer who wishes to fully embrace their new social status. “Already, several new start ups are looking to offers high potential IPOs in the next six months. ‘Don’t Make Me Show You the Back of My Hand, Bitch, and Associates,’ ‘I’m Tired of Your F**king Lip, International,’ and “I Want to Drink All Day Because I Like It, et al,’ are the early leaders in this field.”

5. Dumpster Mining Futures: Unique as the lone standout in an otherwise lackluster American manufacturing sector, dumpster mining will continue to grow exponentially for the foreseeable future. “As this market continues to develop and mature, investors can expect a rapid influx of venture capital and an increased acceptability tolerance for trading in dented cans on the major indices. While this segment is somewhat exposed to the higher risks associated with commodities trading, statistics show that dumpsters completely full of paper are rare, and one out of every three trash containers exploited exceed expectations in terms of leveraged yields due to finds not having crap all over them and high numbers of barely eaten pizzas.”

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.