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New York Governor Plans to Make You Pay to Poop

New York Governor Plans to Make You Pay to Poop

New York, NY 10017 (GlossyNews) — At a press this morning, Governor David Paterson unveiled a drastic overhaul to the operation of New York public restrooms meant to reign in spending and generate new revenue for the debt ridden state.

“I’ve pretty much cut every nickle from every aspect of government, so now it’s time to get really creative,” Paterson said at the press conference. “Which is why I am immediately putting into effect a series of changes which will allow us to squeeze as much money from our public bathrooms as possible.”

Several measures to be put in place are already being criticized as impractical and intrusive. One such change would require the installation of coin operated toilet paper dispensers in rest stops and state facilities. According to the press release issued from Paterson’s office, toilet paper would now cost 25 cents per square.

The man favored to replace Paterson in the Governors Mansion, Andrew Cuomo, came down hard on the planned change. “It’s absurd,” he said. “If he has his way, any time I need to pinch a loaf in public, I’ll have to make change first. I mean who wants to shit with a pocket full of quarters!”

In an effort to save on energy costs, another change would require all hand dryers to be removed and replaced with signs that read, “Please dry hands on pants. New York thanks you.”

In women’s bathrooms, baggies similar to those used to pick up dog feces will be available for puchase to dispose of used feminine products like tampons.

Women’s rights groups are up in arms about that provision, claiming it’s sexist since men won’t be subject to the fee.  “Blame God for having more complicated plumbing ladies, not me,” said Paterson reacting to critics.

To save on janitorial costs, a new “cleanliness pact” will be implemented which will require public bathroom users to clean up after themselves or face a fine. Possible fines will include:

  • $10 for leaving toilet paper on the floor
  • $20 for leaving water around a sink
  • $35 for peeing on the seat

Causing the most heated debate after the announcement though was the provision requiring restrooms to be equiped with video cameras meant to aid in catching those who don’t comply with the new cleanliness pact.

When one reporter suggested this could be seen as an invasion of privacy and completely inappropriate, Paterson didn’t  hide his frustration. “You fuckers don’t understand the severity of our state deficit,” he said. “I don’t care if people are shy and don’t want to be watched pooping, we are in the midst of economic collapse, people!”

“It’s estimated that these new measures will help generate $2 billion over the next 5 years,” Paterson added. “With that kind of financial benefit, you’ll either have to learn to live with the changes or practice holding it until you get home.” 

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