Detroit, MI (GlossyNews) — The citizens of the United States today in a mass movement became the largest bank in the world. Strapped with the responsibility of saving huge financial institutions from insolvency and the auto industry as well as a number of other enterprises, the public finally collectively decided to incorporate themselves.
Demanding a return for their hard-earned taxes, the people insisted that the institutions pay an interest rate of 15% along with free calendars and pens on the 750 billion it had ‘borrowed’ from the government. Detroit automakers were ordered to ride passengers around in rickshaws until they could come up with cars that were affordable and either gas-free or fuel efficient. CEO’s were put on a program where they didn’t get any of their salary until the company showed a profit. Any bonuses that executives were to receive were distributed to laid off employees struggling to eat. Any exec who had already spent his was himself eaten. Companies that did not improve were taken over and their buildings used to shelter families made homeless by the downturn. Execs had to work in their cars or on crowded city buses.
Elected heads of the new bank were shocked to find that all the high-faluting financial jargon the industries had been using for years was explained in a secret book the big wigs kept entitled ‘How To Get All The Money For Ourselves And Control Everything’. It was considered to be the Bible of the financial world. Its main clause was “The secret is to make everyone else work for you and keep them blinded by phony shows of power and superior knowledge. Pay them only enough to survive. When they start getting antsy start a war somewhere and send them off to fight it. Let their kids work the factories.” Upon reading this many citizens made top execs jump from their sky scraper window sills. Auto execs who were found to have a copy were strapped to the production line and sent around for a couple spins.