Queen’s Royal Mail to be Sold to Dutch

As power mad as ever and still wheeler-dealing and meddling in matters far beyond his scope of limited political and intellectual skills, Labour’s very own Vermin in Ermine, Lord Peter Scandalson, is trying yet again to pawn off the Royal Mail postal service to some infidel Dutch snail mail group with the explosive terrorist title of TNT – in a nasty display of payback and revenge for his earlier defeats to attain the same end in his ‘privatisation’ wars.

Gordon ‘Cyclops’ Broon’s nerafious Business Secretary and de facto Slime Minister-in-Waiting Peter Scandalson has, in typical practiced fashion, sneaked off behind the Royal Mail and representative Communications Workers Union backs yet again to negotiate the fire sale of the highly profitable iconic and regal institution to a bunch of double-Dutch carpet-baggers.

This ‘fire sale’ is a continuation of New Labour’s vandalising policies towards the UK’s postal service since they came into power twelve long and depressing years ago, and have again broken a 1997 Manifesto commitment to preserve the Royal Mail at all costs and against all odds.

Now tens of thousands of postal service workers’ jobs are at risk after the Royal Mail’s management – led by CEO Adam Dozier – and Downing Street have forged a secret Satanic pact to force them into a Catch 22 situation whereby whatever the strike hopes to achieve it will be a ‘heads or tails – we win’ situation to the detriment of the Royal Mail’s proletariate staff – to fulfill Labour’s aim of selling off the company regardless.

Until Broon, as Labour’s wholly-inept Chancellor, started leeching the mail service’s mega-billion pound annual profits to the point of severe haemorrhage to fund a variety of his other money-wasting schemes all was honky-dory.

Alas now they are bled dry and left an unhealthy anaemic pale by Broon’s parasitic schemes of robbing Peter to pay Paul – and then robbing Paul to fund catastrophic foreign wars, MP’s pay raises, pensions, and felonious expense claims – and pay the IMF interest on the UK’s national overdraft – then resorts to selling Peter – and Paul – into a life of foreign owned-penal servitude.

They might well be reminded who actually put the ‘Royal’ in Royal Mail – and remember what happens to traitors who would place the welfare of the sovereign Realm in dire jeopardy by pawning it off to a foreign power.

In 1516 Henry VIII established a Master of Posts – and the postal service – manned by a force of official Crown personages and appointees equipped with forked sticks who delivered the mailed messages that were stuck securely in the stick’s cleft.

These were the true heydays of the Royal Mail service – when you could have a parcel of sheepskins or pigs bladders – or a haunch of poached venison – posted for next day delivery service for as little as two groats.

This service later evolved to employ pigeons as carriers of lightweight messages, then onto ponies, then coaches and a team of four, then railway trains, then aeroplanes, and finally a total devolution back to men posting mail door to door – but now represented by a management with forked tongues.

Postmen told Pox News this morning that they are furious the company has stabbed them squarely in the back by advertising for 30,000 temporary staff to beat the two-day strike.
However, the company insists it is acting lawfully and merely trying to illustrate that nobody’s job is safe and there are plenty of Albanian swan-roasting pikeys ready to deliver the coming Christmas rush of mail on foot – and in all weathers – for rock-bottom wages.

Royal Mail management claim there is already a backlog of 30 million items awaiting delivery following regional strikes and this figure is expected to top 150 million by the weekend and will include such perishable items as sheepskins, pigs bladders and haunches of poached venison.

Hopefully the Royal Mail workers don’t take the American term of ‘going postal’ too literally and deliver a parcel of real TNT through Scandalson’s letterbox.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com