Stocks Soar on Good News: Foreclosure-Related Suicide Hits All Time High

New York, NY – Stocks surged in early trading today on news from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta that the rate of suicide in the United States directly attributable to the foreclosure on victims homes reached an all time high in the first half of 2009.

“This is an encouraging sign for the economy as a whole,” a prominent Wall Street trader told BNSE.

“Financial institutions have been struggling for over a year with non liquid assets tying up their books. Now, with the rightful owners of the assets doing themselves in, the road toward banks seizing these properties and selling them at cut rate prices to other financial institutions should be greatly accelerated.” The trader expects “big gains” in the financial sectors, the housing market in general, and the funeral services divisions.

The collections and banking industries were quick to claim credit for the upturn. “Since our implementation of a policy of non stop harassment, refusal to work with homeowners even under the most justifiable circumstances, and adherence to unethical legal tactics to force people from their homes two years ago, our internal numbers have shown a steady positive trend in client suicide for some time,” stated one industry insider.

The insider expects the improvement to continue for the foreseeable future, “We see the suicide rate to peaking in early December of this year as families struggle with financial destitution during the Holiday Season, but the gains should continue well into 2010 as the expected skyrocketing interest rates and runaway inflation caused by government spending will make it virtually impossible for struggling families to maintain any type of normal life.”

White House officials sited the suicide statistics as “Yet another green shoot on the road to economic recovery.” “Most of these foreclosures and suicides are coming from the ranks of the unemployed. Once someone is dead, we, obviously can no longer list them as unemployed, so as this trend continues, we should see a noticeable decline in the unemployment rate in time.

Additionally, the deceased no longer have a need to unemployment compensation, heath care subsidies, or financial assistance for food. So, as more and more kill themselves, this should prove to be a valuable cost savings to cash strapped states and federal social programs.”

The Administration also pointed to Google search statistics indicating this trend would continue on for some time. Searches including the words, “I wanna die,” “Why me God,” and “I can’t tale this anymore,” are up over 30% compared to this same time last year.


3 comments on “Stocks Soar on Good News: Foreclosure-Related Suicide Hits All Time High

  1. God I hate those banks. They robbed so much and so hard and then got free money from the deficit (not from me, I never paid that much!)

  2. I know it’s too soon to joke about it but if we don’t laugh now I don’t think anybody is going to pay attention.

    There’s a real human cost to all this and its being so glossed over by the msm. Where is the bailout for the regular guy that got jacked by all these predatory rapists of the financial system? They get golden parachutes and we don’t even get to hold the strings.

  3. This is the most discusting piece of evidence yet? The banks are happy theat homeowners are committing suicide? This is vulgar and I wish the supporters of doomday that they learn what it feels like to lose a spouce or a loved one to suicide. Shame on all of you. Greed kills. Be Ware, it surely is EVERYWHERE.

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