New York, NY – Stocks surged in early trading today on news from the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta that the rate of suicide in the United States directly attributable to the foreclosure on victims homes reached an all time high in the first half of 2009.
“This is an encouraging sign for the economy as a whole,” a prominent Wall Street trader told BNSE.
“Financial institutions have been struggling for over a year with non liquid assets tying up their books. Now, with the rightful owners of the assets doing themselves in, the road toward banks seizing these properties and selling them at cut rate prices to other financial institutions should be greatly accelerated.” The trader expects “big gains” in the financial sectors, the housing market in general, and the funeral services divisions.
The collections and banking industries were quick to claim credit for the upturn. “Since our implementation of a policy of non stop harassment, refusal to work with homeowners even under the most justifiable circumstances, and adherence to unethical legal tactics to force people from their homes two years ago, our internal numbers have shown a steady positive trend in client suicide for some time,” stated one industry insider.
The insider expects the improvement to continue for the foreseeable future, “We see the suicide rate to peaking in early December of this year as families struggle with financial destitution during the Holiday Season, but the gains should continue well into 2010 as the expected skyrocketing interest rates and runaway inflation caused by government spending will make it virtually impossible for struggling families to maintain any type of normal life.”
White House officials sited the suicide statistics as “Yet another green shoot on the road to economic recovery.” “Most of these foreclosures and suicides are coming from the ranks of the unemployed. Once someone is dead, we, obviously can no longer list them as unemployed, so as this trend continues, we should see a noticeable decline in the unemployment rate in time.
Additionally, the deceased no longer have a need to unemployment compensation, heath care subsidies, or financial assistance for food. So, as more and more kill themselves, this should prove to be a valuable cost savings to cash strapped states and federal social programs.”
The Administration also pointed to Google search statistics indicating this trend would continue on for some time. Searches including the words, “I wanna die,” “Why me God,” and “I can’t tale this anymore,” are up over 30% compared to this same time last year.