Heartwarming: Devoted Amazon Customer Starts GoFundMe to Raise Money for Billionaire Adulterer After Market Crash

SEATTLE, WA— With tears welling up in his eyes, Seattle good Samaritan Jay Thompson poured out his heart, detailing his desire to help assist the world’s richest man after he lost a fraction of his immense wealth during the 2020 Market crash. After starting a GoFundMe to cover Jeff Bezos’ losses, Thompson remarked, “I just believe it’s our duty as mindless consumers and infants suckling at Amazon’s breast to help Godking Bezos.”

Thompson broke down at the end of his soliloquy and was subsequently showered with cheers and applause from fellow city residents who have helped subsidize Amazon for the past 8 years and who pay more federal taxes than the company did last year. Bezos thanked Thompson and all the GoFundMe donors
on Twitter, saying he hopes all the money raised can help him pay for a “few truckloads of gold coins to send to a bank vault” where he hopes to “Scrooge McDuck-it-up and swim around in a sea of money and gold.” One man who strangled his wife in order to take out her life insurance policy to donate to the fundraiser told reporters, “The only individuals on Amazon’s payroll who should be forced to slum it during the coronavirus pandemic are the warehouse employees. It’s important that we take care of our own.” Thompson later insisted that during these troubling times it is the maritally unfaithful, union-busting tycoon Jeff Bezos, whose workers subsided on welfare until he was pressured into raising his company’s minimum wage, is the real hero in this story. Though initially plummeting to an anemic $105 billion, Bezos’ wealth has increased by only $10 billion from its peak prior to the devastating crash.

Amazon has, in the past, expressed interest in buying GoFundMe and cornering the market on both helping and profiting off sick people who can’t afford their medical bills and weirdos who set up cockamamie fundraising pages.

Author: A.M. Reyes

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