Rick Santorum has not given the warm and generous welcome to the Supreme Court decision that a number of Republicans had anticipated.
So he’s decided to avoid a false neutrality on this occasion and really speak from the heart.
This may come as a surprise to not a few of you, but I think the new rules are actually totally heterophobic.
I mean, why can’t I have a gay marriage if I want it? So seriously, in order to have a gay marriage, you actually have to be gay?
And what else? Do all kinds of gay stuff, or whatever? I think that is really, really wrong. I just don’t think that should be given any sanction by our state whatsoever.
So… what about me and the hundreds of millions of other straight men or women who want to have a gay marriage (albeit in an entirely heterosexual manner), but are forbidden by the radical judicial activists and tyrants of the Supreme Court?
I mean, shouldn’t our views be taken into consideration as well?
I swear, I just don’t get it!
(Um… when I say ‘swear,’ I mean it in a perfectly literal and non-flippant, non-blasphemous sense).
But yeah, I mean, oh dear God! I just can’t believe the amount of gay privilege in this country…
Huh? No, no, don’t worry, I’ve reconciled myself to using the term ‘privilege.’ It took me a while, but I guess I just had to reach a, uh, reach some kind…
Uh, I just came around in the end.
But yes, the Supreme Court are granting gay privileges to gay-privileged gay guys like the gay-marriage lobby of soon-to-be-gay-married gay people, just because the gay-supremacist gay-domination lobby of unpatriotic gay people kept REPEATING themselves and REPEATING themselves over and over and over and over again AND SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR GODDAMN VOICES!!!
Look, you know what? If gay people are to have this unconstitutionally privileged place in our society, then fine. How about I just do what that random white lady from the NAACP did not long ago?
…
Yes. You got it!
…
Yes! Guess what?
Well, I’m going to call myself “trans-sexual.”
That means, I’m technically and fundamentally straight in my inner soul and essence, but to all intents and purposes I want all of you to speak about me as though I were actually gay, on some more mystical, metaphysically recondite level.
I mean I’m obviously not gay, but it’s just that I really, really want to, you know, subvert this rigid metaphysical and logocentric pre-Derridean dichotomy between gay and straight people, so that every straight person in the world has the right to a gay marriage if they want it.
This will prevent the homosexual agenda from entrenching itself any further, and giving any more unconstitutional privileges and even rights to gay people.
But how have the Republican community and Democratic community responded to this bold, audacious gesture of radical political performance theatre? Find out next time.