“Snowden still working for us” says CIA

Reliable sources in the ICU section of the CIA confirmed to this reporter that whistle-blower Edward Snowden is “still working for us” and “doing a great job.”

My puzzlement elicited further explanation. “We have more than a million people involved in some kind of surveillance. It was bound to become public at some time, so what better than to break the news ourselves?”

“You’re saying that you broke the news, not Snowden or Wikileaks or the Guardian?”

“We can all take some credit. This way the news gets out, but it’s about Snowden and no one pays any attention to the surveillance. Pretty cool, don’t you think?”

“You mean this is all a ruse and Snowden is not going to pay hell for divulging classified information?”

“Oh, no. We’ll see to it that he pays a heavy price. It’s the least we can do to salvage his integrity and besides, we want to live up to his expectations and discourage others from making a similar sacrifice. Nevertheless, we all owe him a debt of gratitude.”

“But do you really think Americans will fail to notice the part about surveillance?”

“You’re not getting it, Barb. When you disappoint people with your behavior, you need a distraction, so that people are not sure what to think. Snowden is the distraction. By the time his soap opera runs its course, the surveillance will be old news. In addition, it’s part of an overall strategy to make the public so cynical about their government that they won’t be shocked at whatever we do.

“Take the massive new Utah Data Center, for example, which will consume enormous amounts of energy and money to make the government effectively omniscient about everything that everyone says or does. We kept it as quiet as we could for as long as we could, but it will probably open later this year, so we need to prepare the public. The Snowden thing lets the media break the news about the UDC as if it’s just a detail. It’s part of training the public to expect more and more intrusion, control and surveillance but less and less in services and benefits.”

“You really think this is going to work?”

“It’s worked before, Barb. Take JSOC (Joint Special Operations Command), for instance. It was becoming more and more difficult to conceal an expanding global assassination operation, and in fact Jeremy Scahill was about to do a major film exposé. So we arranged for the JSOC to assassinate Bin Laden and get exposed, but as heroes. Bin Laden was the distraction, and it sure took the wind out of Scahill’s sails.”

“Was Bin Laden actually killed in that raid? Who really saw the body?”

“That’s totally irrelevant, Barb. Real or not, it was a great distraction and it made folks love our assassins.”

“Why would they love their government to be able to assassinate whomever they want and to know everything that Americans say and do?”

“Omnipotence and omniscience are godly traits, Barb. Don’t Americans love God? We’re making our government more like God. We even have worship services to the government on July 4th, Memorial Day, Veteran’s Day, Armistice Day and and at the beginning of baseball games.”

“OK, but what does the public get in return for surveillance and assassination?”

“Ask not what your government can do for you but what you can do for your government. And what are you doing for your government, Barb? You’re wasting your time writing for alternative media and obscure websites. You’ll never get an interview with the President unless you disguise yourself as David Gregory. Be a real journalist and report on what the President had for breakfast, offers of marriage to Edward Snowden, the latest Kardashian marriage, etc. You could have a great career. And we can help.”

Author: Barb Weir

Barb Weir is the pseudonym of a writer and social justice advocate in the San Francisco Bay Area.