An ExxonMobil Spokesman, Patrick Mcginn, met with reporters at a press conference today to respond to questions about the oil spill in Mayflower, Arkansas. Asked what position he held in the company, Mr. McGinn responded, “Spokesman”.
“Of course you’re the spokesperson,” responded the reporter, “but what is your actual position, so that we may know your level of authority.”
RIGHT: ExxonMobil Spokesperson Patrick “Mr. Exxon” Mcginn extolls the virtues of the Mayflower, Arkansas oil spill. (CLICK TO ENLARGE)
“It is ExxonMobil’s policy to never place a person of authority in a position of spokesperson. This requires a specialist who knows nothing of importance and can be fired and disavowed without harm to the company if he says anything embarrassing. My position is Spokesman and that is my only responsibility.”
Mr. McGinn went on to demonstrate his qualifications, saying that the Mayflower oil spill is actually a blessing for the environment, though not necessarily for the homes directly affected.
“Lets face it,” said Mcginn, “no one wants to walk through a stream of oil to get to their house. But for the water, fish and birds affected by the oil, there are benefits that the press refuses to even mention. All they want to talk about is how we always make more money than any other corporation in the world.”
“So exactly how is the spill good for the fish and birds?” I asked.
“In the case of fish, have you ever noticed how oily fish already are? And yet people always add oil to them. My mother did, and she made some of the best fried fish on the planet. Believe me, oil could not possibly be bad for fish.”
“I’ve never heard that before, but what about the birds?”
“Same thing, especially for water birds. They’re always preening to spread oil over their feathers. With the spill, they have an abundant supply for their needs.”
“I don’t think it really works that way, but surely oil fouls lakes and rivers and destroys the water supply.”
“Look, I know that when you see a lake or river covered with oil it doesn’t look very pretty to you, although I have come to appreciate its inner beauty. However, oil floats on water, which means the water is still there. It may look like a lake of oil, but the water is right there underneath it and you haven’t lost a drop. Don’t you know that oil and water don’t mix? It’s like a protective covering. Oil also reduces those awful waves and it’s a means of mosquito abatement, as well. It’s quite healthful.”
“Are you sure you’re not peddling this pseudoscience just to protect your company and keep the oil flowing regardless of safety issues?”
“Oil? You think we’re doing this to protect oil? We don’t care at all about oil. In fact, there are lots of things we don’t care about, and keeping the oil flowing to our customers or anyone else is the least of our concerns.”
“Then what actually concerns you?”
“Keeping the money flowing in the opposite direction – to us, that is. I thought everyone understood that.”