GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture.
“The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his followers. “I shall lead the Mormon people to Rapture as is promised in the Bible!”
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Romney claims that he is the chosen one to lead the wealthy Mormon people to the promised land and the poor, uneducated non-Mormon citizens to hell.
“Everything in the Mormon scriptures and the Bible tell me I’m the one to lead the end times”, a smiling Romney stated as he glanced at himself in a mirror. “My life is so important and so wonderful, I can’t tell you!”
Some people interviewed expressed reservations about Romney’s declaration. “That guy scares the shit out of me!” said New York bartender Sal Jennings. “I don’t want some fruitcake who believes in Armageddon to have his finger on the nuclear trigger!”
“He’s a bartender”, Romney said in reference to Jennings’ statement. “Are you going to trust a bartender or a wealthy, highly successful former governor and businessman?”
Some Republicans said they were going to convert to Mormonism in advance of Romney’s election. “I want to be one of the ones saved!” said Arizona security consultant Stan Beecher. “I was Jewish but now I’m gonna be a Mormon and I’m gonna feel the Rapture! I can hardly wait!”
Mormon church leader Hal Oaks simply said, “I wish Romney would shut the fuck up!”