Hillary Clinton’s Gum Chewing Sparks International Crisis

Wrigley Fjord, East Sweden (GlossyNews) — On the campaign trail with Norbert B. Snortwhistle. Though she is officially America’s top diplomat, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton committed a grievous etiquette faux pas today by chewing gum in the presence of the King of Sweden, abruptly ending her visit to this Scandinavian nation. Reverberations were felt from Stockholm to Washington as the two countries’ usually friendly governments attempted to restore normal relations.

While reliable sources report the King himself chews gum in private, Clinton’s public display not only ended her visit but threatened to derail a number of budding U.S – Sweden initiatives, including an ice hockey tournament and joint research on pickled herring.

“If she’d been more subtle, the King probably wouldn’t even notice,” said a senior Swedish diplomat. “But she was flapping her jaws like a chipmunk the whole time.”

Republicans moved swiftly to take political advantage of the Obama administration’s latest travail, with GOP House leader John Boehner adding new language to his party’s “Pledge To America.”

“We pledge we will not eat beef jerky with the Prime Minister of India,” a solemn Boehner intoned.

At the White House, the President’s response balanced an urgent need for international diplomacy with the stark political reality that millions of gum-chewers will vote this November.

“Sweden is a close ally and the President looks forward to resuming our talks about hockey and pickled herring,” said Senior Adviser David Axelrod. “At the same time, the President firmly believes in Americans’ right to chew gum, and to eat beef jerky for that matter, and those basic freedoms will not be curtailed under this administration.”

Secretary Clinton was unable to comment, due to the large amount of gum still in her mouth, while former President Bill Clinton was unavailable to comment. Mr. Clinton is away from his office conducting research for his latest humanitarian project, The Clinton Center for Young Women’s Internships.