Tag Archive | "sex scandal"

Racing Legend Speed Racer Dead at 63


Former racing legend Speed Racer was found dead in his rented mobile home this afternoon by his ex-wife Trixie Racer. It would appear Speed had been dead at least a month.

No cause of death was given until an autopsy can be performed, but Racer was known to have had issues with drugs and alcohol for many years.

“I wish I had known Speed was so depressed, because I might have been able to save him,” said Trixie before quickly adding, “not that I would have!” Read the full story

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Conductor Unveils “Reduced Fat Orchestra”


NEW YORK CITY – A conductor is drawing wide attention for his decision to present a “Reduced Fat Orchestra” to future audiences.

Tomasso Fillipo Rivelli, 32, came to the conclusion after getting word that Congressman Paul Ryan’s “Path to Prosperity” budget plan would pass the Senate with a veto-proof majority.

Included in the plan are significant reductions in funding for the National Endowment for the Arts, which Rivelli’s musical company relies on for much of its operational income. Read the full story

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Porn Industry Backs Obama Re-election


Anita Bryce-Flaverhaven is a petite woman many would describe as soft-spoken. She sits behind a walnut desk in an office among the skyscrapers that comprise the Sacramento skyline. All around her are mementos denoting a vibrant family life away from work. Photos of rafting trips on the Colorado, birthday parties, and hand drawn Mother’s Day cards adorn the walls. Read the full story

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U.S. Senate to Open Boom-Boom Room for Gentleman Senators


In an effort to keep tabs on the rising number of misbehaving male Senators in Washington, the Senate Appropriations Committee has put aside $60,000 to revamp a vacant office in the Senate Building, turning it into a boom-boom room.

The “Fun Pit” is being designed by noted 70’s interior designer, Ernesto Ball, who is best known for his far out designs using vivid colors, shag carpeting and lots and lots of lava lamps. Read the full story

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Muscle Confusion Applies to the Brain as Well


Rep. Anthony Weiner decided to finally show off his results using P90X, the popular workout program that uses “muscle confusion” to go from regular to ripped in just 90 days.

Following in the the footsteps of fellow congressman Christopher Lee, who used the program himself to achieve amazing results, Rep. Weiner decided to take the plunge and use the revolutionary system of 12 sweat-inducing, muscle-pumping exercises to finally get the six-pack he’d always wanted. Read the full story

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Satan Tired of Being Blamed for Internet Porn-Related Scandals


Word has it that old Beelzebub is furious these days over being blamed for everything from pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s hoohah to Anthony Weiner’s bulging BVD’s. He claims that he’s tired of being a catchall for mankind’s failure to control their sexual desires.

“Why is it when I open the paper and read yet another story about a well-liked politician who’s been caught with his hand in his drawers, there is always a reference to some kind of evil making them do it?” says Satan. Read the full story

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Gore Claims He Invented the ‘Happy Ending’


BALLSTON, Virginia (GlossyNews) — Mired amid controversy of alleged infidelity and sexual misconduct, former Vice President and prominent global warming activist, Al Gore, angrily dismissed these accusations today at a press corps luncheon. Read the full story

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LEGO City Mayor Implicated in Sex Scandal


LEGO CITY, U.S.A. (GlossyNews) — Since its founding in 1978, Lego City has suffered through a history of controversial expansion, interminable redevelopment and what most residents consider “pure chaos.” Accusations of illicit gerrymandering — executed through back door political favors and flat out bribery — have plagued the region since the first bricks were laid. The rogue’s gallery of disgraced politicians and their abettors include four city planners, a multitude of government contractors, two banks and various assembly people. Read the full story

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Pope to Pedophile Priests: Eat More Fish


VATICAN CITY (GlossyNews) — It appears that Pope Benedict XVI has had an epiphany about the sex scandal continuing to plague the Catholic Church: lack of fish in a priest’s diet can lead to inappropriate sexual behavior toward young men.

The Pope has asked the Vatican physicians to look into this possibility, explaining that because priests are no longer officially required to abstain from consuming meat on Fridays, the levels of mercury in their systems from lack of fish has dropped significantly. Read the full story

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Populace Perplexed with Pope’s Platitudinous Approach to Pederast Problem


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Woods Chasing Beck in Lost Sponsor Race


FOXNEWDS Studios–NYC. — In a little noticed scenario in the celeb sweeps the recent Tiger girls-rush-to-claim-sex-with-me-first media circus has caused another celeb, Glenn Beck, to amp up his offensive abilities. Beck is reported as hiring a brace of new writers with the express purpose of besting Tiger and keeping the headlines at FocusOnMeGlennBeck.com. Read the full story

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Once You’ve Had Tiger, You Can’t Go Back


I rushed into the conference room where my colleagues had gathered to discuss potential stories to publish in the next day’s newspaper. As the editor, Oscar sat at the head of the table, gulping down a cup of foul-smelling coffee, he leaned towards Mel, a senior reporter, flipping through a color-tabbed notebook. “What have you got?”

“Fire at the civic building downtown. Fifteen confirmed dead. Cause of fire unknown, but arson is suspected.”
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Horny Goat Weed Sex Romp Homicide Attempt


A Smegmadale-on-Sea woman lured her 94-year old pensioner husband into the dark, deep woods with promises of a wild, drug-fuelled sex romp then slit his throat and left him for dead so she could rendezvous with a cyber-lover she had met on Facebook, according to prosecution evidence presented at Smegmashire Crown Court today.

Nymphella Sodomberg, 19, gave husband Wilf – and herself – mega-doses of the natural aphrodisiac known variously as Horny Goat Weed or Rowdy Lamb Grass, before he was blindfolded and led into the nearby Wankers Wood. Read the full story

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Top Ten Random Thoughts by Dave on Recent Sex Scandal


10. Work with me, sleep with me – comedy rules.
9. Scandal schmandal, it’s fun to flirt.
8. Robert J. “Joe” Halderman, one more GOP Joe wanting my pants.
7. Thought I could show Obama how to handle his nemesii Beck’n’Baugh. Read the full story

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David Letterman’s Top-10 Countdown to Adultery Absolution


Alleged philanderer David Letterman has recently found himself at the losing end of an extortion/cover-up of his extra-extra-extra marital affairs having taken place between himself and an undisclosed, but presumably impressive, number of his female staff members. Read the full story

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