Tag Archive | "rapture"

Tea Party Raptured, Republican Leadership Abandons Christianity


GlossyNews.com – Every member of the Tea Party, Tea Party Patriots, National Tea Party Federation, Nationwide Tea Part Coalition and the People’s Front of Judea has disappeared without a trace.

Incidentally, sources in the Horn of Africa have reported the inexplicable appearance of several million loud, extremely irate, mostly diabetic and stark naked white people outside of a small village 80 miles to the west of Mogadishu. Read the full story

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Mitt Romney Vows To Create Armageddon


GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced today that, if elected, he promises to fulfill the Bible’s promise of Armageddon and allow all faithful Mormon practitioners to achieve Rapture.

“The time for Armageddon is nigh!” Romney stated to some of his followers. “I shall lead the Mormon people to Rapture as is promised in the Bible!”

Think you know the Bible? Take the GlossyNews Unbeatable Bible Quiz!

Romney claims that he is the chosen one to lead the wealthy Mormon people to the promised land and the poor, uneducated non-Mormon citizens to hell. Read the full story

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Camping Not Sure How He Missed Predicting Own Stroke


SOUTH OAKLAND, CA —Glossy News Harold Camping [the American Christian radio host who falsely prophesied that the world would end on May 21] suffered a stroke in June but is slowly recovering. Acting on God’s advice, he will soon be able to return home. Mr. and Mrs. Camping expressed their thankfulness for his stroke rehab therapy, saying “all the glory goes to God,” Mrs. Camping continued on Mr. Camping’s behalf, “as Harold’s recovery is in God’s hands and according to His timing.” Read the full story

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Republican Governors Not Abducted by Aliens after All


It was a scary 72 hours this past weekend when Republican governors Rick Perry of Texas and Bob McDonnell of Virginia suddenly went missing. Both were reported missing by their staff but were told by police that nothing could be done unless they were reported missing by immediate family members.

Conspiracy theorists caught wind of the missing persons reports and immediately began rumors that the governors were abducted by aliens and/or raptured by God. Read the full story

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Sony Blames Harold Camping for Prolonged PSN Outage


The weeks of the Playstation Network being down was frustrating for many gamers. What was even more frustrating was the constant reassurance that the network would be back up soon, with that date being pushed farther and farther back.

Many gamers voiced their frustration at Sony for continuously moving back the date for when the network would be back online. Responding to the gaming community’s frustrations, Sony released an announcement explaining the situation. Read the full story

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Doomsday Prophet Admits Using LOST to Predict Rapture


Harold Camping, whose prediction about the Rapture failed to materialize, has admitted using clues gleaned from the now canceled ABC series LOST to calculate the date. “I don’t know what went wrong,” he lamented, wiping the tears from his eyes with hundred dollar bills. “The clues were all there.  My math was right. I’m not sure exactly what the hell happened!” Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, Science & TechnologizzyComments (3)

Crap, I Totally Blew Off the Day of Doom


Well, I had every good intention of giving the End of the World* my undivided attention.

Unfortunately, I had several things on my to do list that took precedence and, before I knew it, the day was upon me. Looked at my watch and it was half past midnight on the 21st of May.

Oh sure, I know I have until 6 p.m. to get something written about the world coming to an end today, but honestly, my day is pretty much packed with other stuff to do. Read the full story

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Posted in Religionism, Serious CommentaryComments (1)

Jesus: “I Need a Militia Like I Need an A-hole on My Elbow”


ALANSON, Mich. (Glossy News) — When news reached Heaven that a Midwestern militia was discovered training Jesus on handling the upcoming rapture, the Son of God laughed and exclaimed, “I need a militia to help me like I need an asshole on my elbow. And If I needed an asshole on my elbow, we’d all have one.”

According to a popular book that is available at every bookstore in the U.S., unless the store has XXX over the doorway, Jesus has the backing of the most powerful being in the Universe, who actually invented men. Read the full story

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Atheists Getting Ready to Cash in on The Rapture


In a post-rapture world, it is believed that atheists and agnostics may be faced with horrendous living conditions on Earth. However, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. With pre- and post-rapture business opportunities already beginning to spring up around the country, life on earth for those of you who aren’t going to make it through to the next round may still have somewhat of a silver lining if you plan ahead. Read the full story

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Posted in Biz News, ReligionismComments (5)

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