Tag Archive | "presidential election"

Trump Shakes Things Up with Bold Cabinet Appointments


Donald Trump has wasted no time putting his signature on his new administration. In what some critics are calling a scarily bad case of Opposite Day, President-Elect Trump so far has chosen an Education Secretary who has never held any position in public education, a HUD Secretary with no previous experience dealing with public housing, a Secretary of State with no history in international diplomacy, and an EPA Head who believes climate change is a myth.

In a similarly bold fashion, Trump’s latest Cabinet appointments are sure to win praise from supporters hopeful that he will turn back the clock (to 1953) and destroy unnecessary, wasteful government programs like Obamacare, banking regulation, Social Security and the environment. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (0)

Handicapping the Frontrunners for 2020


In the off chance you’ve been in a coma the past few weeks, I have some unsettling news. You might want to sit down. Donald Trump is our new President-Elect. Please, put down that sharp object.

As denial about this shocking outcome gives way to anger, then depression and finally acceptance, pundits are deeply divided as to whether Trump’s election means four years of utter chaos, financial collapse, violence on the streets, nuclear Armageddon, and the end of civilization as we know it – or perhaps something far worse.

If the 2016 election taught us anything, it’s that if you’re running for the most important job in the world, political experience and proven competence are serious liabilities. Trump has re-written the political playbook. In past elections, having no previous relevant experience, combined with a vengeful temperament, a campaign built around stoking anger, fear, hate, racism, misogyny and a knee-jerk impulse to tweet insults at anyone who makes a joke about your hair might put you at a disadvantage. But that’s so November 7th thinking.

Unless our President-Elect amends the Constitution to do away with elections and installs himself as Supreme Commander-for-Life (which experts put at slightly less than 50% odds), then in four years there will be another election. Candidates are already lining up for the chance to go for politics’ brass ring. Here’s a sneak peek at the early frontrunners for the 2020 presidential race.

Kim Kardashian: For those people hoping 2016 would be the year we finally elected a female president, low-education white truck drivers overwhelmingly agree: Hillary was a lame choice – what with all those bland pantsuits, wonky policy papers and annoyingly high intellect. As Trump repeatedly pointed out, Hillary’s not exactly moving the needle on the 10-point beauty scale. No, what this nation is looking for in its first female head-of-state is a hot, curvy reality star who lets her body do the talking. Another qualification: Kim K has 49 million Twitter followers – almost five times as many as Hillary. (We checked.)

2020-election-duck-dynastyPee Wee Herman: Herman has as much political experience as Trump. And if people were amused by Trump’s immature, petulant man-boy behavior, they should be thrilled by Pee Wee Herman. An added bonus: He appears to have no interest in girls (they have cooties), so the odds of an extra-marital scandal are considered extremely remote in a Herman administration.

David Duke: The people saw in Donald Trump someone who overtly demonstrated a racist worldview. And the people loved it. That’s why the smart money is on the former Ku Klux Klan Imperial Wizard. Oh, sure, in addition to being a white supremacist, he’s also a longstanding Holocaust denier and all-around creep, but those aren’t his only qualifications. He’s committed to making America even greater again, so long as you’re white, Anglo-Saxon, heterosexual, and a bigot – apparently, the fastest growing demographic segment in America these days.

Dennis Rodman: Some consider the fact that the former NBA star once wore a wedding dress to get married – to himself – on national TV – a sign that he might not have quite the temperament to be Commander-in-Chief – or does he? Like Donald Trump, Rodman has always been a loose cannon who routinely says offensive things for attention. But another asset he brings is that he’d come into office with impressive foreign affairs credentials, thanks to his BFF relationship with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un. If it looked like North Korea was about to drop a nuclear bomb on us, Kim might just think twice, knowing his bromance buddy is in the Oval Office.

Vladimir Putin: Talk about an outsider! Russia’s chiseled, bare-chested Hunk-Prez is a huge fan of the American presidential electoral process – and how easy it is to manipulate. Many political analysts think he could win. After all, in his own country, he repeatedly keeps winning re-election with 99% of the vote.

2020-election-homer-simpsonTom Brady: The handsome, popular New England Patriots quarterback has led his team to Super Bowl victories a record four times. Can you say WINNER? Plus, have you seen his gorgeous model wife Gisele? Even hotter than Melania! Brady’s team is called the PATRIOTS – proof that he loves America. He once got caught deflating his footballs, which is against NFL rules. So, he’s a cheater – which in politics is a big plus these days.

There are also some lesser-known newcomers that insiders say to keep an eye on. Here are two of our dark horse favorites:

Hank Wilson: Never heard of him? Neither has anybody else. That’s his biggest asset. He’s the ultimate outsider. This perennially unemployed 42-year-old Wisconsinite not only has zero political experience, he has no discernible job skills – unless you consider his talent for making an awesome triceratops shadow animal on the wall with his hands. With an IQ close to 100, Hank perfectly represents the average American voter. Did we mention, Hank loves to fish? If elected, he’ll need a ride to Washington, as he lost his driver’s license due to a series of DUI’s.

Champ: Like Madonna and Beyoncé, his one-word name is easy to remember, as well as a symbol of his image as a champion of the people. He’s also strong, brave, kind and extremely loyal. The fact that he’s a Golden Retriever might seem to disqualify him as a candidate, but remember, no one thought Trump was qualified either. Technically, Champ is only six years old. But in dog years that makes him 42, more than old enough to meet the minimum age requirement for president.

Finally, you may wonder why we haven’t included Donald Trump in this list of possible contenders for 2020. That’s because if he survives his inevitable impeachment trial, by 2020 with four years in office, he’ll just be another establishment Washington insider. And Americans would never elect someone like that.

This is just a first look at the possible contenders for 2020. Over the next four years, the field will likely change significantly. Personally, I’d say the smart money is on Champ. Unlike our new president-elect, he can be trained to do as he’s told.

Share

Posted in Making Headlines, PoliticsComments (1)

Official Letters Confirm Trump is Ready to Become the Most Amazing President Ever


The Trump Campaign just announced it will be releasing scores of official letters from experts attesting to the fact Donald Trump is fully prepared to be the most incredibly qualified person to run for the American presidency in over 500 years. Below is a partial sampling of the letters the campaign released today.

On Donald Trump’s Health and Fitness

I’ve thoroughly reviewed Donald J. Trump’s medical history, by which I mean I saw him recently on the Doctor Oz show. And I can confirm without hesitation that Mr. Trump is in excellent health. He’s in way better shape than Martin Van Buren or Chester A. Arthur were when they were president. And his hair color is totally natural.

If you ask me, Donald Trump is without a doubt the most physically fit, emotionally stable human being ever to run for any elected office in any nation, not to mention he is incredibly well-endowed “in that department” – no problems there. (Mr. Trump, did I cover all the points you wanted me to in this letter?)

Dr. Derek Shepherd (AKA Doctor McDreamy)
Chief of Neuro-surgery
Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital (on the hit ABC TV show, Grey’s Anatomy)

Trump letters- Col SandersOn Donald Trump’s readiness to become Commander-in-Chief

Oh sure, I passed away 36 years ago, but I met the Donald once, and from that brief encounter, let me tell you, he’s fully prepared to be our next Commander-in-Chief. People called me “Colonel,” and rightfully so. I was really good at Battleship. So as a military expert, I’m confident Mr. Trump would be a great commander, whether the board game was Stratego or Checkers.

I’m convinced Donald Trump has the right temperament to have access to the nuclear launch codes. That said, I don’t have a clue what the phrase “nuclear launch codes” actually means. But I do know he likes to eat KFC, so this Colonel is ready to give him a patriotic salute.

Colonel Harland Sanders
Deceased Commander-in-Chief
Kentucky Fried Chicken

Trump letters- Bernie MadoffOn the issue of disclosing Donald Trump’s tax returns

People are getting all bent out of shape over Mr. Trump’s tax returns. I say, what’s the big deal? I keep reading crazy claims like “He must be hiding something” and “He probably hasn’t paid taxes in 25 years” and “He seems to owe a lot to foreign governments like China and Russia.” All I have to say is, hey, can you believe the weather we’ve been having lately?

I’m sure Trump will eventually release his tax returns – sometime after his death. I’d vote for Trump in a heartbeat – if he’d just grant me parole so I could get back in the game like him.

Bernie Madoff
Former CEO
Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC
Currently Federal Prison Inmate #61727-054

Trump letters- Queen ElizabethOn Trump’s qualifications to fight for the working class

Hello, America. This is your rightful Queen here. My word, what is all this ruckus across the pond over this Trump fellow? I assure you, when it comes to defrauding, er, I mean defending you commoners, Donald Trump will do a smashing job. Recently, at a black-tie fundraising dinner for his newest exclusive Scottish golf resort, I saw Mr. Trump take several extra helpings of tiramisu from the dessert table to bring back for his chauffeur. Or was it his valet? He’s ever so thoughtful of people he knows are beneath him.

Mr. Trump has always surrounded himself with working class people. Who do you think he hires as maids at all his posh resorts? That’s right – his close Mexican friends – some of whom he’s been known to pay almost minimum wage. Mr. Trump will do everything in his power to defend the needs of the working class, so long as they are the part of the working class making over $800,000 a year.

Queen Elizabeth II
Queen of the United Kingdom and Head of the British Commonwealth of Nations

Trump letters- Miss UniverseOn Trump’s special relationship with women

I don’t know why some people say Donald Trump is a mysoganost – oh, I can never pronounce that fancy word. He loves the ladies, especially us pretty girls with nice curves. I met Mr. Trump when he hosted the 2012 Miss Universe pageant. Such a gentleman. He took me out to dinner after I was crowned and even offered to show me his private hotel suite – until he realized Mrs. Trump might be there, that is.

Girls, if you don’t like Mr. Trump, then you don’t know him like I do. As long as you have less than 5% body fat, are beautiful, and not too smart, he’ll take good care of you. I love the diamond bracelet he bought me. I told him he shouldn’t have. He said, “Don’t worry, babe, I just used money given by a Trump Foundation donor. They won’t miss it.” See, he’s so smart. I would vote for him even if he wasn’t subsidizing the rent on my Manhattan high-rise.

Olivia Culpo
Miss Universe 2012

In coming days, the Trump campaign plans to release letters from several more experts, including testimonials from naval military expert Captain Crunch and international relations expert Count Chocula. They plan to release a glowing testimonial from an African American supporter, just as soon as they can locate one.

Share

Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (0)

Another Political First – The First VP Candidate named TIM


Tim - Tim KaineHello. Tim Jones here. This presidential election year is historic in several ways. It is the first time in US history that:

• a woman has been nominated by a major political party as their presidential candidate
• a major political party has selected a narcissistic, bullying, sociopath as their standard bearer Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (0)

Breaking News: Obama Caused World War II, According to Trump


[Author’s Note: Tim Jones of the news website Glossy News, in an exclusive interview with Donald Trump, asked the presidential candidate to clarify his claim that President Obama was the “Founder of Isis.” Below is an excerpt from this revealing interview].

Trump interview - one on one - GNTim Jones / Glossy News: Mr. Trump, thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: Hey, you look familiar. Didn’t I throw you out of one of my rallies?

Glossy News: Um, I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Last week you said Obama was the Founder of Isis, and yet – Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (0)

Donald Trump will lose Bigly in November (by the numbers): Video


The fans and haters demanded it, so here’s another fact-based analysis of why Donald Trump will lose, and lose BIGLY in November. (Scroll down for comments from YouTube.)

I’m not going on feelings or impressions, but the analytics provided by the myriad pollsters, the pollster analysts, and those analyzing the meta-analysis of the pollsters.

Donald Trump COULD still win, but the odds grow longer by the day. It ain’t pretty, if you’re him. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, Video NewsComments (0)

Trump’s Efforts to Lose the Election Continue to Falter


[Author’s Note: Glossy News’ Tim Jones was granted an exclusive interview with Donald Trump. He asked the Republican presidential nominee how he could still be running neck and neck with Hillary Clinton despite his repeated instances of inflammatory rhetoric and offensive remarks.]

Glossy News: Good afternoon, Mr. Trump. Thank you for agreeing to meet with me today.

Donald Trump: My pleasure. Let’s Make America Great Again. Would you like one of my baseball caps?

GN: I’m good. Thanks. Mr. Trump, the latest Quinnipiac poll shows you just two percentage points behind your Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton. How do you explain that you are running neck and neck –

Trump: I prefer to say ‘I’m breathing down her neck.’ Sexy, eh?

GN: Ahem, yes, well, how do you explain your continued success, given the endless list of offensive comments you have made about Mexicans, Muslims, women, gays, and other minority groups?

Trump: You left out people with disabilities.

GN: Oh right, yes, them as well. How is it that, despite all that, you’re still in a virtual dead heat for the presidential election?

Trump: Beats the Hell out of me. Wish I could explain it. Every day, I huddle with my advisors to strategize about how I can submarine my chances, but it seems no matter what I come up with, my poll numbers stay strong.

GN: I’m sorry. Did I hear you correctly? Are you saying you don’t actually want to be president?

Trump: Are you kidding me? What kind of idiot would want the worst job in the world? As president, no matter what you say or do, some knucklehead will attack you for being anti-American or a Muslim sympathizer or a loser – just like I do about Obama every chance I get.

GN: So you really don’t want to be president?

Trump: In my worst nightmares! Why else do you think I said John McCain wasn’t a real war hero? Why on earth would I say Mexicans are rapists or refuse to disavow a notorious racist like David Duke? I’ve done everything I can to lose this election. Nothing seems to work. I was sure my comment in the debates about the size of my penis would end my chances then and there, but nope. People loved it. Especially women. Go figure.

GN: So, help me understand, Mr. Trump. If you don’t want to be our next president, why on earth are you running?

Trump: It’s all about the brand. If you think the Trump brand was big before, that’s nothing compared to my brand now. Mine is the most famous name on the planet. I’m YUUUGE! The media can’t get enough of me. No matter what I say, I keep attracting more followers. Can I tell you about Trump University?

GN: Maybe another time. So it’s all about the Trump brand. Nothing else?

Trump: Bingo. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love this country. Where else could I make billions of dollars simply by running for President and posting tweets from my hotel room. Nobody is better at marketing than Donald J. Trump. But to your point, nobody wants Hillary to win more than I do. Trust me. Here, have a baseball cap.

GN: Thank you again, but really, I’m good. And speaking of your Make America Great Again caps, aren’t they made in China?

Trump: Yes. To be more specific, in child-labor sweat shops. You’d think people would get upset about that, but they just don’t seem to care. They tell me “Way to go, Donald, for helping all those poor kids find jobs.”

GN: So what else are you trying to ensure you lose the election?

Trump: I’m constantly brainstorming with my senior campaign staff to conceive even more offensive statements to tank my campaign.

GN: Mind sharing a few?

Trump: Sure. Last week, we came up with what I thought was a brlliant idea. I tweeted out, “Ronald Reagan was a closet homosexual.” I figured it would outrage lifelong Republicans.

GN: Wow! Did it help?

Trump - losing the election - Finger pointingTrump: Nope. My poll numbers went up four percentage points. One person tweeted, and I quote, “I find Mr. Trump’s comments about our greatest president deeply disturbing. And yet, I find his words oddly appealing and heartfelt.”

GN: That must keep you up at night.

Trump: Tell me about it. A few days later, I tweeted, “Teenage girls are super-hot. If elected, I’ll make it legal to have sex with girls under 18.”

GN: Ouch. Pretty offensive, that’s for sure. What happened?

Trump: On the bright side, my support among women dropped by two percent. But my support from white men over 30 surged by 12%. I can’t win. I mean, I can’t lose – no matter how hard I try.

GN: So are you concerned you might actually win?

Trump: I’m starting to be, yes. I’ve worked extremely hard to attain the worst approval ratings of any presidential candidate in history. I currently have an unheard of 70% unfavorable rating! And yet, yesterday, in a CNN interview with Wolf Blitzer, who is Jewish by the way, I said “I love the Jews. Love their matzah bread. But why are all of you such cheap tightwads?”

VFTB: Okay, I’ll bite. What happened?

Trump: My approval ratings among Jewish voters went up five points.

VFTB: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an uncle who is really tight with his money.”

GN: How is that even possible?

Trump: Apparently, a lot of them said things like, “You know, Donald makes a fair point. I have an aunt who is really tight with her money. And would it hurt her to get a nose job? She sure has the money.”

GN: So what are you going to do about it?

Trump: Clearly I need to up my game. I’m working on a tweet for tomorrow about how we should allow any kid over the age of seven to carry an assault weapon to school for protection. That should send the gun control wing nuts over the edge. I also plan to announce next week that I’ve narrowed down my list of possible VP candidates to Pee Wee Herman and Charlie Sheen. If that doesn’t work, my Hail Mary fallback plan is to tweet that Jesus was the Antichrist.

GN: That’s highly offensive. Good luck with that. But I have to ask, Mr. Trump, given that no matter how outrageous your remark, it doesn’t seem to hurt your poll numbers, have you thought about what you’ll do if you actually win the election next November?

Trump: God forbid I’m elected, I would immediately move to impeach myself.

GN: On what grounds?

Trump: I was thinking of having three-way sex in the Oval Office with Angela Merkel and Vladimir Putin and posting a live feed of it and breaking into an episode of Sesame Street.

GN: Good luck with that. Thank you for your time.

Trump: It was my pleasure. Make America Great Again. Wanna have a hat?

GN: Um, sure. Why not. Thank you.

Share

Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (0)

Dear American Refugees, Welcome to Canada


Greetings, American Refugees,

On behalf of the people of Canada, we would like to welcome you to our country. We hope you’ll enjoy your stay. We’re starting to worry about your nation’s apparent complete psychological breakdown. You were doing so well these past eight years with President Obama.

He seemed like an awfully nice fellow. We’re not really sure what has caused your country to go off the rails, but as we’ve watched your presidential election primary coverage, it appears millions of your fellow Americans have gone utterly bonkers. Read the full story

Share

Posted in Politics, Top StoriesComments (1)

2016 Presidential Bumper Stickers For The Rest Of Us.


PLEASE – JUST HOLD THE ELECTION NOW AND GET IT OVER WITH! I CAN’T TAKE IT ANY MORE!


Did anyone else notice that we ultimately are allowed only two choices?


I turned on the TV and thought it was a beauty pageant until I saw Bernie.


Do I really have to wait until after November before I get my regular TV programming back?


Personally, I want Angela Merkel to run. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Iowa State Fair Exhibits True Nature Of Politics by Having Presidential Candidates Penned up.


This year’s crop of Presidential weeds….. er… candidates made their appearance this week at the traditional show case starting gate for the quad yearly election- the Iowa State Fair. This time in a stock pen.

All the hopefuls vying for the so-called honor of being chosen the Commander in Chief of the entire United States were herded into a fenced off pen in one of the livestock barns and put on display. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Kentucky Democrat Votes for Right to Complain


Newport, KY – Local liberal Michael Benton walked to the middle school gymnasium, and was greeted with laughter and an occasional jeer.

He greeted his Republican friends, gave his ID to the snickering old ladies behind the folding table, and filled out the only ballot for Obama in the city. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Undecided Ohio Voter Literally Chooses Winner


GlossyNews.com – Undecided voter Harold Merman of Niblock, Ohio has finally made his choice for this year’s presidential election. It should come as no surprise; he’s choosing the winner.

That’s right; whoever finishes first on November 6th has Mr. Merman’s full and unwavering support.

“Experience has taught me that it is always best to get behind a winner,” said Merman. “And that’s exactly what I intend to do. In short, I endorse the winner.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (1)

Ron Paul Still Campaigning Out In Nebraska Somewhere


GlossyNews.com – NEBRASKA, SOMEWHERE – With just hours to go until the polls close Tuesday, committed Republican Presidential candidate Ron Paul was reportedly still out on the campaign trail somewhere in Nebraska this morning.

Though the GOP officially nominated Mitt Romney at the Republican National Convention over two months ago, Mr. Paul has nonetheless campaigned up and down some of his favorite down-homey tour stops, also giving stump speeches in Montana, Arkansas and Oklahoma. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (13)

“Well-Hung Chad” Having Banner Day at Florida Poleing Station


GlossyNews.com – Well Hung Chad Boehner is a tall, beefy male escort in St. Petersberg, Florida. And by his estimation, he’s set to have the best day of his career.

“I [started] advertising on BackPage.com under the name “Well-Hung Chad” about a week ago, and I’ve got dates setup back to front to back all day long,” said Boehner from his Cutlas Sierra office. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (7)

Local Man Ready to Get Out There and Make His Terrible Decision Count


GlossyNews.com – INDIANAPOLIS – After months of bitter debating, hard-line rhetoric and a torrent of political attack ads, local man Peter Hackley insists he is ready to get out there and make his terrible and ill-considered decision count Tuesday.

Basing his moronic and under-researched choice on nothing more than sentiments regurgitated to him by partial news media and talk radio hosts, Mr. Hackley – along with approximately 70 million other citizens – will commit the utterly profound mistake inside a designated local building at approximately 11:30 on Tuesday morning. Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (3)

Ageing Jimmy Carter Accidentally Endorses Mitt Romney for President


WASHINGTON D.C. – In a televised address before the press corps Saturday, ageing former Democratic president Jimmy Carter accidentally endorsed Mitt Romney for the presidency, insisting: “Romney is a progressive thinker and he’s gonna do a whole bunch of good for America.”

Appearing to slur his words as he spoke to various members of the press, the 88-year-old left-leaning goodwill ambassador declared that Romney “is the only guy who can get the job done (inaudible)… it’s going to be really exciting to see him win.” Read the full story

Share

Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

Page 1 of 212
Glossy News Exclusive Exposés


-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --



Glossy News Fake Commercials!





Glossy News Podcast


(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)


More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?



Our Top Authors (last 30-days)



All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial