VALENCIA, California – Those close to Paul Walker and people just trying to get on the news gathered at a memorial for the “Fast and Furious” actor who had died in a single-car crash with his friend in Valencia.
He was a passenger in the vehicle. With heads held low, everyone couldn’t help but say, “I can’t take how ironic this is!”
In the crowd of mourners was Daniel Trip (20), an English Major from Cal State Northridge, who at first sensed that the other memorial attendees were trolling, perhaps having an inappropriate laugh. Trip went around asking to see if anyone could explain in what way that the actor’s death was ironic.
Maybe he had missed something. Maybe there was a detail missing. But the only detail Trip didn’t pick up on was that everyone talking about irony was simply retarded.
“Most people said that it was ironic, because he was in movies where he raced cars, yet died in a car crash. Others said it was ironic, because other people were saying it was ironic, and they assumed the first people knew what they were talking about,” Trip explained, “And one guy even thought irony meant ‘to die in a car.’”
After enough comments about how “ironic” Walker’s death was, Trip became aware of that this was a situation of genuine stupidity. “I can tolerate people being irreverent of a celebrity’s death. I can tolerate people being stupid. But the combination of stupid irreverence requires super-kamehameha-dali-lama levels of tolerance. Yeah, fuck that,” Trip said, “I didn’t become an English major to not take stuff like this and become a total douche about it.”
The outraged mourner scaled to the top of the Nissan Skyline made out of “Fast and the Furious” VHS tapes and called to the crowd, “Unless Paul Walker died on his way to life saving surgery or told his friend to drive faster, because he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life in that car, then his death was not, as you people call it, ‘ironic.’ It was perhaps ‘coincidental,’ or ‘fitting,’ or even ‘poetic,’ but it is not in any way ‘ironic.’”
The mob became enraged and lynchy shouting slogans like “You can’t deny how ironic this is!”
Trip responded, “There are many forms of irony, but usually something is ironic if the results of your actions were the opposite of your intentions.” The English major was pelted with bottles of NOS energy drink and Mountain Dew.
“He asked for it,” Alanis McCain (34) said, “While I might not know what irony means in a dictionary or like reality, to me it feels like it gives a sense of order and a plan to the world. The coincidence, or fittingness, or poetic nature of death (you know, the irony) makes it feel like there is an order and sense to the universe. We need shit to be ironic, whether it’s ironic or not.”
McCain added, “It’s ironic; that guy tried to make us use the word irony correctly, but all he did was convince me to never ever use it correctly.”