Tag Archive | "parents"

Local Parents Counting the Seconds Until Holidays End


Worchester, MA – The Henderson parents have had it.

“I never thought I’d say it, but it was easier when they were all in high school,” Richard, 49 year-old father and certified accountant, said.

His wife Tabatha agreed, and admitted to having had a migraine since late Friday, mere hours after son Jerry arrived at the airport from Florida and daughter Jenny was dropped off by friends from her first semester of college.

“They’ve both grown so much since leaving for school,” she said, “And in such opposite directions. They just can’t seem to get along with each other, anymore.”

“Or us,” Richard added, alluding to the concerned calls from the neighbors soon after the traditional Christmas Eve game of Old Maid crumbled into arguing over who, exactly, really deserved the title card.

Tension, if possible, managed to escalate on Christmas morning when presents began getting unwrapped and an undisclosed someone made the mistake of not scraping the price sticker off a gift.

“That’s when the shit really hit the fan,” Richard nodded.

“Chocolate, dear,” Tabatha corrected him, with a gentle pat on his knee and a heavy sigh. “Really good chocolate.”

The presence of other family members for most of the day seemed to dissipate the animosity, as everyone put on the “nice and loving family” act, but after dinner the company left and things returned to the new, hellish normal.

“I begged Aunt Judy and Mike not to leave,” Tabatha admitted.

Now the two parents are counting down the hours before their dear and dreaded children go back to school for spring semester. Their travel bags have been filled and left in conspicuously well-traveled areas of the house, as a constant reminder that the time is ticking down. Both parents have even memorized return itineraries, going so far as to alter Jenny’s to get her back as soon as the dorms open again.

“Just last month, we were saying we weren’t going to pay to send them away for spring break,” Richard stated, “We changed that, last night.”

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Parents Nationwide Update Children on Latest Things to Worry About


ACROSS THE NATION—Upon arriving at their parents’ house, sources confirmed they were greeted by their mother with the words, “Glad to see you made it. We’re always hearing about vehicle recalls on the news and you never know what might happen, what with people’s brakes failing left and right and whatnot.”

Mere seconds after additional sources walked in the front door for Thanksgiving, the sources’ father, Vernon, said, “Do you know how many houses burned down last year alone from ovens just like that? Terrible.” Read the full story

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Dear Nick: The Practical Advice Column


I’ve grown disheartened with standard advice columns such as “Dear Abby” and “Ask Amy”. We are all long overdue for a practical advice column with some real-life answers. Here are a few questions and home-spun practical advice from the advice-master NickFun:

Dear Nick,

Our 12-year-old is invited to a school friend’s birthday sleepover. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling the parents don’t supervise their kids very well, and a mom I trust agrees I shouldn’t let my son attend. What do you suggest? And if I say no, how should I explain my decision to him? Sign, Concerned Parent.

Dear Concerned Parent,

The kid’s twelve! He’s not in diapers anymore! Maybe you supervise the kid too much! It’d be good for him to have some fun with his friends without his snoopy parents peeking in his room all the time. Sure, he might have a couple beers or smoke a dube but that’s part of growing up! Stop training him to be a wimp and let him have some fun!

Dear Nick,

My name is Tim and I am 16 years old. My girlfriend is also 16 and she’s trying to pressure me into having sex. I want to wait until I am married. What should I do? Signed Tim.

Dear Tim,

What are you? A homo? Take a look at those two gorgeous jugs! Don’t you want to have your hands on them? Stop jerking off and give her what she wants!

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Kid Goes Cross-Eyed, Face Gets Stuck That Way


DERRY, NH—Despite repeated warnings from his parents, an area boy kept going cross-eyed, and now his face is stuck that way.

“We warned him,” stated Sheryl Mackey, the mother of the now handicapped-looking child. “We told him if he kept doing it his face would get stuck that way. And it did. Just like we said.”

“I didn’t believe them,” said downtrodden nine-year-old Greg Mackey, his eyeballs spastically twitching inward. “I thought they were just trying to scare me.” Read the full story

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East Texas Couple Kidnaps Baby for Facebook Pictures


Last week, a childless couple in East Texas kidnapped a baby so they could post baby pictures on Facebook. The couple, envious of their friends who are constantly posting pictures of their children on Facebook, grabbed a baby from the local market and immediately began posting pictures of the happy threesome. After 3 days and numerous postings that resulted in a long list of comments, including LMAO and LMFAO and ROFLMFAO, and at least one, “how cute,“ the couple returned the baby to the worried baby’s parents when they realized how expensive it was to keep it alive. Their latest post is their mug shots in the local weekly newspaper.

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More Parents Monitoring Children’s Web-Porn Viewing


LOS ANGELES – More parents are taking the time to monitor the pornography their children view on the internet, according to the second annual Walt Disney Co. study on the subject. Disney reports that 71% of the 774 parents surveyed limit the types of pornography their children may access. Read the full story

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