Tag Archive | "obamacare"

2014 – The Year in Review: Part II (July – December)


We continue this week with Part II of Glossy News’ Year in Review for 2014. If you missed Part I, don’t worry, you didn’t miss much, but it’s here for the curious.

A couple of wars, a few natural disasters and a political scandal or two – pretty much a replay of 2010 through 2013. Check it out here. Let’s continue now with Part II. Don’t skip ahead to December and spoil the surprise ending, okay? Read the full story

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It Turns Out That Everything Is Obama’s Fault


It seems as if Barack Obama is getting blamed for everything. The Republicans are blaming him for every foreign hotspot including Iraq, Ukraine and Israel.

Every domestic problem also seems to be the President’s doing, so much so that the Republicans led by Speaker of the House John Boehner even launched a lawsuit against him.

At first, I thought all this was overkill. After all, how can one man be responsible for so many things going wrong? But then it occurred to me: the Republicans are on to something good here. It’s kind of like the dog-ate-my-homework all-purpose excuse – Obama did it. Read the full story

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Flo to Use Charm to ‘Perk-Up’ Obamacare


Flo, the permanently perky face of Progressive Insurance, has been named new Secretary of Health and Human Services replacing outgoing HHS czar Kathleen Sebelius. President Obama made the announcement last night.

The decision was a tough one and President Obama said the choice came down to Flo or the Geico Gecko. “I mean, they’re both already in the insurance industry, right? And things aren’t going so well with Obamacare right now so it seemed like a no-brainer,” the President said Read the full story

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Posted in Entertainment, HealthComments (1)

Hide your pets! Obama has plans for them!


Announcer: With everyone discussing ObamaCare, Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be interviewing the President about his latest health care plan.

Janey: Welcome, Mr. President.

Obama: Thank you, Janey.

Dick: So what are you planning on getting wrong this time, Mr. President?

Janey: Dick, please! Show a little respect!

Obama: That’s okay. I’m used to hearing stuff like that from the troglodytes at Fox News, but even Dick might like my latest idea.

Dick: Really!

Obama: It’s called the Adorable PetCare Act. By executive order, I’m going to provide health care for all our nation’s pets.

Dick: Does that include moose?

Obama: You have a moose for a pet?

Dick: Not yet…but I’m thinking about it. I’m a big Bullwinkle fan.

Janey: Sure, Dick. Have you learned anything from your ObamaCare mistakes?

Obama: Definitely! This time I’m not making promises I can’t keep. When I announce the plan later this week, I will say, “If you like your pet, you can keep your pet. Asterisk.”

Dick: Asterisk! What’s that for?

Obama: It covers any future changes I may have to make in the plan.

Dick: You know, the Constitution’s only been amended 27 times in over 200 years, but you’ve already made over 30 changes in ObamaCare.

Obama: I’m surprised you can count that high, Dick.

Janey: He had some trouble when he ran out of toes.

Dick: You said that people who help folks to sign up for ObamaCare do “God’s work”. What about those who lost their health care?

Obama: I blame those insurance devils!

Dick: You sure it wasn’t Bush’s fault?

Obama: Not this time. The devil was in the details. We’re thinking about an exorcism.

Dick: Ooh-kay. Isn’t the PetCare Act just another example of you using your pencil and phone to go around Congress?

Janey: Dick, he actually said pen.

Obama: Strangely enough, Dick’s more right than wrong. I’m asking Congress to write all future laws in pencil so that way it’ll be easier for me to change them.

Dick: Thank God the Constitution was written in ink!

Obama: That’s where the phone comes in handy. I used it to order a case of Whiteout.

Janey: Have you made any other important calls?

Obama: I did phone Senator Reid.

Janey: And?

Obama: The Senator is upset with the IRS. Apparently he still hasn’t received his 10% reward for turning in Gov. Romney in 2012 for not paying taxes for the previous 10 years.

Dick: I guess Dirty Harry made an offer that the IRS could refuse.

Obama: I told the Senator I’d look into it, but, as I’ve said before, there’s not a smidgen of corruption at the IRS.

Dick: Tell that to the pro-marriage group that had its donors’ list leaked by the IRS.

Obama: Even if that’s true, it’s probably just an iota which is a lot less than a smidgen.

Dick: Weasel words!

Obama: Yeah, well, I hate to tell you this, Dick, but weasels aren’t covered under the PetCare Act!

Janey: Can you tell us some of its other provisions?

Dick: Yeah! Like will there be free contraceptives for our pets?

Obama: We’re thinking more like mandatory neutering.

Dick: But if you neuter all our pets, eventually there won’t be any left.

Obama: Exactly!

Dick: There goes Bullwinkle, Jr.

Obama: This provision will also decrease income inequality!

Janey: Huh?

Obama: Since poor people spend a greater percentage of their income on their pets than the rich do, eliminating pets will reduce the gap between the rich and the poor.

Janey: What are you planning on doing once you leave the White House?

Obama: Actually, I’m thinking about running for a third term.

Dick: But…but the Constitution limits you to just two.

Obama: Only until my case of Whiteout is delivered.

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President Obama Promotes Healthcare.gov with Jackass-Style Stunt Reel


WASHINGTON, D.C.—“I’m Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America, and this is Jackass.”

So begins the president’s latest viral video—a 22-minute series of dangerous and immature stunts styled after the MTV show “Jackass.”

The video is a bold new attempt to convince young Americans to sign up for health insurance at Healthcare.gov before the March 31 deadline. Read the full story

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Posted in HealthComments (2)

A Low Point for President Jesus


WASHINGTON – It has been a tough couple of months for President Jesus in the wake of the problem-plagued launch of the government’s HumanKindness.gov website and continuing criticism of his efforts to address the issues of unemployment and poverty in the United States.

House and Senate Republicans continued to pound the president over the implementation of his administration’s signature Love Thy Neighbor Act, commonly referred to as Jesuscare. Read the full story

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Dozens Trampled Over Obamacare Holiday Sale


In what is already being called the worst accident since Walmart’s Black ThurFriday Sale, dozens of people were trampled when crowds broke through library barriers trying to take advantage of Obama’s “Buy One Get One Free” holiday health care plan sale.

The holiday deal which runs through the end of December was meant to buoy flagging sales of health insurance plans.

Several witnesses present at the scene were left confused over the rush since the website can be accessed by anyone with a computer and an internet connection. Read the full story

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Posted in Health, Internets TubesComments (2)

Republicans Finally Come Up With Health Care Plan For ‘Those People’


The Republicans, after years of doing nothing but bash President Obama’s Health Care Act, have at last introduced one of their own.

Pooling their vast knowledge of human caring with aid from their endless sources of think tanks they have come up with a master plan to help those who are poorer than themselves and do not have the Congressional Insurance of life that they do: They will fly anyone afflicted up to the polar regions of Alaska where they will get eaten by the polar bears there. Read the full story

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Obamacare Didn’t Falter, but was Crashed by Attacks; DDOS & GOP


As sure as the moneyed-interests opposed Obama to the tune of nearly a billion dollars in 2012, the same interests have come back to crash the ACA (Obamacare) on two fronts, and they’ve done a masterful job of it.

The healthcare signup site, designed only to direct the masses to individual state-run websites, has been crashed by only a few thousand “legitimate” customers… how does that happen? You almost might wonder if there’s a conspiracy here. Read the full story

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Americans With “Too-Sh**ty-To-Buy” Healthcare Plans Somehow Outraged Rather Than Embarrassed


NEWARK, N.J.– The majority of Americans who have received letters notifying them that their healthcare plans are now legally considered too shitty for insurance companies to sell to citizens of a first-world nation are somehow feeling “anger” instead of the seemingly-more-appropriate emotion known as “embarrassment,” sources report. Read the full story

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The Myth of the GOP Repeal & Replace Talking Point


It was difficult for Republicans to fight against Obamacare. While they tried to vilify it, people actually liked what it stood for, and the rebate checks from premiums didn’t hurt either.

But in opposing something designed to fix a national crisis, you have to have a cure of your own. They didn’t have one, so they yelled “Repeal & Replace,” but years on, we can see they really had no ideas in the first place. Read the full story

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Senator Cruz Collapses During Affordable Care Act Filibuster, Needs Obamacare to Recover


While attempting a filibuster in Congress to stamp out the Affordable Care Act, snarkily known as the Obamacare bill by conservatives, Republican Senator Ted Cruz collapsed 15 hours into the epic attempt to derail the legislation.

Cruz, an ardent Tea Partyer, is rabid that the congressional bill that would create universal health care in the U.S. should be defeated. However, after 15 hours into his blockage of any action by Congress, he suddenly clutched his chest and passed to the floor. Read the full story

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In Response to Obamacare, Medical Schools to Lower Their Standards


In order to address a growing shortage of doctors predicted under the Obamacare program, medical schools across the country have announced that they will be lowering their standards for incoming med students.

“We used to accept only the best and the brightest”, said Harvard Medical School Dean Jeffrey Flier, MD. “Now we are forced to accept anyone with a high school GPA of 1.0 or higher”.

Flier said the Obamacare program is preventing doctors from making a decent living and the smartest students have been choosing more lucrative majors.

“Malpractice insurance alone is over $350,000 a year for most physicians”, Flier explained. “Office prices are going through the roof. Working conditions have become intolerable. Not to mention the skyrocketing cost of new technologies. It’s almost impossible for a doctor to make a living anymore. You would have to be a moron to become a doctor these days. So we have started accepting morons”.

Justin Perve, a high school senior, thought his career choices would not extend past mowing lawns and raking leaves but was overjoyed to hear he had just been accepted to Harvard Medical School.

“Oh boy!” Perve exclaimed. “I’m gonna be a frickin doctor! If this don’t work out I can still mow lawns on the side!”

Other medical schools expressed displeasure at having to ‘dumb down’ their requirements but said they had no choice.

Yale School of Medicine Dean Robert Alpern said, “in this current academic climate we have no choice but to forgo the best and best and the brightest and accept the scum of the Earth.

Alpern also stated that current testing requirements which include bedside manner and examination techniques will no longer be required. And students will not be required to maintain anything higher than a D average. And the tests will be modified to enable the less-intelligent students to pass. And cheating will be allowed.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures”, said Tufts Medical School spokesperson Amelia Aierhead.

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Tea Party Member Breaks Ranks and Votes for Self-interest


In a surprising move, Tea Party member Wright Wing admitted that he decided to break ranks and vote for Barack Obama for president.

“Believe me, I had no intention of voting for Obama,” said Mr. Wing. “But when I sat down and actually read the campaign literature from both sides, I realized that voting Democratic was in my best interests.”

Like most Tea Partiers, Wing had previously relied on his gut instinct and advice from supposedly reliable sources like Rush Limbaugh and the Koch Brothers. Read the full story

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The End of Freedom in America. Blame it on the Tyranny of Obamacare


If you’re like most patriotic, big government-distrusting Americans, you are probably experiencing a range of emotions right now, from anger to rage to angerful rage. It’s a dark day in America thanks to the dreaded OBAMACARE Act of 2010, which was recently upheld by the US Supreme Court in July.

It’s just a matter of time before every last hard-fought freedom we’ve long cherished is pried out of our God-toting, gun-fearing hands – like mankind’s sacred right to be paid more than womankind. We are on the road to becoming United Socialist States of America. If you ask me, the health care plan I had was working just fine. Thanks a lot, Obamacare. Read the full story

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When it Comes to Healthcare, Give Me Liberty and Give Me Death!


America is the world leader in most important categories: #1 in nuclear warheads, #1 in citizens incarcerated, and breaking into the top 50 in healthcare. We don’t look to Europe for solutions to our problems because those countries are a bunch of whiny, over-indulged socialist brie-eaters with funny accents. Read the full story

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