Tag Archive | "Nanny State"

“Yucky World” Guest Topic: Is government product safety running amok?

Announcer: Some people believe the federal government is going overboard in its efforts to protect us from hurting ourselves. “Yucky World” talk show hosts Dick and Janey will be discussing this issue with their guest, Consumer Protection Agency representative Miss Nanny State. (Any pain and suffering caused by “Yucky World” is not the fault of the sponsor…or any of his relatives.)

Janey: Our topic for today is product safety. Are you bringing unsafe products into your home?


Dick: I cut my thumb yesterday opening a bottle of beer.

Janey: Really?

Dick: Yeah! I was using a bottle opener and it slipped.

Janey: That doesn’t sound like it was the beer’s fault.

Dick: Well, it was a twist-off cap and I couldn’t get it to twist-off.

Janey: Next time call me when you need help.

Dick: That’s okay. I’m not buying that kind of beer anymore.

Janey: Good decision, Dick. Now introduce our guest.

Dick: I’d like to welcome federal consumer advocate Miss Nanny State to our show.

Nanny: Thanks, Dick! Do either of you have a light?

Janey: I quit smoking.

Dick: I only drink beer… uh…just a little.

Nanny: No matter. I just happen to have two of the most dangerous products in the world here in my hand: a lighter and some matches.

Janey: What’s the danger, Miss Nanny?

Nanny: Children playing with them or fires accidentally starting in our pockets or purses!

Dick: I agree that these tragedies need to be prevented, but what are smokers supposed to do? Rub two sticks together?

Janey: You’d never be able to do it, Dick.

Dick: Very funny!

Nanny: No, short of banning them, I’d like to require that they be kept in little fire-proof boxes that are opened with combination locks.

Dick: That sounds awfully complicated, Miss Nanny.

Nanny: Nobody said life was supposed to be easy.

Janey: Why not put them in bottles with child-proof caps?

Nanny: Unfortunately, a lot of adults found them to be adult-proof, too.

Dick: I can identify with that.

Janey: This still sounds pretty extreme.

Nanny: I’ve brought one with me to show you. The average adult will have no trouble opening it.

Janey: Let’s give it a real test and try it on Dick.

Nanny: Him?

Janey: Sure!

Nanny: You know, I never said that all adults would be able to open it.

Janey: Oh, no! I agree. If Dick can’t open it, then we’ll have proof that it is child-proof.

Dick: I’m not sure that I like the direction this conversation is taking.

Janey: Don’t worry, Dick. I was only joking.

Dick: That’s a load off my mind.

Nanny: Couldn’t have been very heavy.

Janey: One last question. Do you think it would be possible to come up with a way to make the world safe from Dick?

Nanny: I think I’d rather try to make the world safe for democracy.


Posted in Health, SocietyComments (0)

Torontonians say Mayor Rob Ford’s Scandals make their City too Interesting

Dateline: TORONTO—Toronto’s citizens are mortified by the world’s mockery of their Mayor Rob Ford for his many scandals, such as his admitting to having smoked crack cocaine while in office, because they fear Toronto will lose its status as the world’s most boring big city.

“We just want everything to go back the way it was,” said one Torontonian, “when no one cared about Toronto. We just want to fly under the world’s radar so we can keep living in quiet desperation. Is that too much to ask? To not have a crazy circus come to town, so I can get on with wasting my life? Read the full story


Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Bad Boy Bloomberg Banning Big Breasts

In his latest and most swift move to play strict-stepfather-who-hates-loud-rock-music to New Yorkers, Mayor Bloomberg has opted for a new ban on cup size.

This time, however, instead of going after the large Coca-Cola in your cup, he’s going after the large breasts in women’s bra… cups. That’s right folks- Mayor Bloomberg has proposed a ban on women having any breast size over C. Read the full story


Posted in PoliticsComments (2)

Big Brother Targets Kindergarten Radicals

The UK’s Big Brother think tanks at Chatham House and the Tavistock Institute have now – in their superior wisdom – ordained nursery-age children should be monitored for signs of Pavlovian brainwashing by Islamist extremists – according to a leaked police memo left in a trashcan at Hyde Park’s Whistleblower’s Corner – with copies being passed on to the Daily Snitch and the Grassers Gazette. Read the full story


Posted in ReligionismComments (0)

New EUSSR Questionnaire – for Five-Year-Olds

The latest Kafkaesque directive to be launched by the Brussels-based E-USSR is a super-intrusive questionnaire to be completed by the parents of 5-year old children who are ready to start school.

The dystopic European Bully Boy state’s interrogation sheet contains no less than an 83-point survey of autocratic snooping – failure to complete which might well see your kids snatched under the State’s totalitarian ‘Protective Child Care and Custody’ programme – and your sad Read the full story


Posted in Kidz ZoneComments (3)

Risk Assessment for Wiping One’s Own Bum

To comply with fresh slapstick Big Brother legislation being issued by the E-USSR’s bored bureaucrats in bonkers Brussels, family homes across Britain could be invaded by HSE inspectors checking that parents are keeping their children safe.

Whitehall’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money is recommending that inspectors make sure parents have fitted smoke alarms, stair gates, locks on medicine cupboards, windows and ovens, and temperature controls to stop bath water getting too hot – or cold – with emergency flotation rings fitted Read the full story


Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Daffy Political Correctness Bans Children’s Stories

The opening words of the age-old children’s nursery rhyme ”What shall we do with the drunken sailor?” have been removed from the lyrics in yet another of the Labour government’s stupid EU-compliance nanny state “Let’s re-write history” projects.

The Bonkers Publishing charity says the re-wording of the rhyme from “drunken sailor” to “depressed pirate” simply confuses matters even more, serving to smear and libel sailors by classing them all as rape and pillage buccaneering types instead of a bunch of seafaring alkies. Read the full story


Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, EntertainmentComments (1)

Killer Biscuits Banned in EU Coffee Shops

The latest piece of asinine legislature to emerge from the EU’s Ministry for Wasting Time and Money in Brussels involves HSE risk assessments for every possible human function and endeavour – from brewing a cup of tea or coffee to opening a can of soup – to cleaning your teeth and gargling – to wiping one’s arse and – to – believe it or not – a risk assessment ‘danger rating’ index for eating biscuits. Read the full story


Posted in Health, SocietyComments (1)

Glossy News Exclusive Exposés

-- (SEE ALL GlossyNews.com Videos) --

Glossy News Fake Commercials!

Glossy News Podcast

(Listen on iTunes or Libsyn)

More Great Satire:

Check out links to even more of our friends...
Want to see Your Link Here?

Our Top Authors (last 30-days)

All of Our Categories:

Top Stories - Top Stories; Politics - Top Stories; Serious Commentary - Top Stories; World News - Top Stories; Biz News - Top Stories; War Zone | Horoscopes
Entertainment - Entertainment; Celebrity Gossip - Entertainment; Television - Entertainment; Music - Entertainment; Internet Tubes - Entertainment; Books, Newspapers & Misc - Entertainment; Movies
Society - Society; Health - Society; Crime - Society; Travel - Society; Crooked Cops - Society; Education - Society; Strange People - Society; Religionism - Society; Human Interest - Society; Kidz Zone
Science and Technology - Science and Technology; Science - Science and Technology; Technology - Science and Technology; Gadgets & Gizmos - Science and Technology; Environment
Sports - Sports; Scandals - Sports; Athletes - Sports; Events | All the Rest - News in Your Briefs - Making Headlines - Opinion/Editorial