Tag Archive | "microsoft"

Windows 10 Introduces Wide Array of Exciting New System Errors


Microsoft is proud to introduce Windows 10, the latest version of our operating system for PCs and tablets.

To help you get to know our new system better, here are answers to some questions you might have.

Why is it called Windows 10 when your last operating system was Windows 8?

Lots of people have asked this question. Some folks think that that because Windows 8 was such an unpopular disaster we wanted to put a little numerical distance between it and our new system. Read the full story

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Millions Worldwide Mourn The End Of The Golden Age Of The Internet


It was a demise that many have seen coming for a long time.

It is a tragedy whose full impact will not be noticed for a while to come.

All things of great worth that are brought into this world go through a cycle- a difficult and long birth, a formative period where it is ignored, misunderstood and its virtues recognized by few, then an ascendance and acceptance by the more intelligent and fore-sighted in society, then an adaption to the masses that makes it widely accepted; hesitantly at first, becoming more so as it becomes less of a mystery, then wildly enthusiastically with throngs raving of its wonders and putting down hard cash and imbuing long hours in use of it. Read the full story

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Evil Excel Spreadsheet Doing Everything In Power to Stop Guy Leaving Work on Time


INDIANAPOLIS – Seemingly not content to just let office worker Aaron McMillan clock out of work at the regular time of five-thirty, a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet is doing everything in its Goddamn power Monday to make sure that McMillan stays behind at least another 3 minutes, while it just does its thing.

Taking an effing lifetime to finish saving, the spreadsheet, which the 31-year-old Wepler Finance employee had seamlessly used throughout his schedule to input the company’s quarterly profits, initially seemed to be closing down before it just now froze up. Read the full story

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Windows 8.1 Invites 100k Testers, Discards All Data


Microsoft has undertaken the biggest Operating System test in history by inviting 100,000 users to labs around the world to test their new platfrom. More than 5 million pages of data was collected, all of which were discarded.

“It wasn’t easy to deal with all the data,” said project manager Abe Zeekstrom, “but after pulling it all together, we managed to do it.” Read the full story

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Microsoft Paperclip Endorses Mitt Romney


GlossyNews.com – The Microsoft Paperclip has declared that he is a Republican and has come to the aid of Mitt Romney with an 11th hour endorsement of the pro-corporate candidate.

The Paperclip is largely known for his letter writing interventions, but since declaring he is backing Romney for President, he has developed a special campaigning wizard feature, which is sure to be as appreciated as all of his other timely interjections. Read the full story

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Microsoft to Build With 360s


At a surprise press conference yesterday, Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft Corporation, announced that the monopolistic software company, infamous for its various Windows operating systems, is erecting a new building at its headquarters in Redmond, Washington State.

That was not the most remarkable part of yesterday evening’s statement, however.

“We’re going to use Xbox 360s that were unfairly blocked from Xbox Live or deactivated entirely by our updates to their firmware as part of the construction,” Ballmer explained. Read the full story

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I Bought My Computer, But Bill Gates Still Owns It


At least that’s the way it seems… I bought my Sony Vaio Mini (which I am happy with except for its unfortunate affiliation with the a fore mentioned gentleman) after a bad run of karma with my prior two computers. Both were Toshibas (again, both fine computers.). Read the full story

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Microsoft Opens “E-Gates” On Mexico / US Border, Windows Unavailable


Laredo, TX – Returning from a recent business conference on immigration in Mexico City, Microsoft Chairman William Gates, the world’s richest man, flew over what will become the new “RioGrande BushWall” near Laredo, Texas. Having told reporters in Mexico earlier, “I’m a big believer that freedom is a good thing,” he also noted that flexibility of movement for skilled workers in his company could be a little important. Read the full story

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Google to Nationally Publish News Free


MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — In a publishing quadruple-whammo punch, Google today announced that it effectively had taken control of the major news corporations in the US not owned by either The New York Times or Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp. — but including Tribune Co. and Sun-Times Media, Chicago; McClatchy, Seattle; Gannett in Maryland, Delaware, and Eastern Viriginia; to name a few. Over 35 companies in all sold their stock to the Google Cash Machine. Read the full story

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MySpace Facebook Merger? Like. MyFace. Dude.


DownUnder, Australia —This just-leaked domain name logo is the result of a recent unannounced, very, very secret almost-for-sure merger between FaceBook and MySpace and it’s going to be called Like.MyFace.

The use of the word ‘like’ in the domain name is to call special attention to their ownership of the most used word in the English language. The Murdochs say that they will be able to profit even if the word is in a logo with other words. Read the full story

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