Tag Archive | "Michelle Obama"

Obama Blocks Republicans’ Salaries – Saudis Step In


Obama has issued an executive order to block salaries to Republican Congressmen. They responded by saying “They would impeach his black ass”.

Democratic Congressmen have hailed this as the best step Obama has taken so far. This said, Republican Congressmen ended up better off than they were. Read the full story

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Michelle Obama Debuts New College Degree Plan at Rutgers: Professional Vacationer


New Brunswick, NJ – Smiling, and without a care in the world, FLOTUS showed up at Rutgers University today to unveil a brand new academic program she is credited with creating, in conjunction with the Board of Regents, that should be a hit with the rich kids on campus: Professional Vacationer.

RIGHT: Remedial classes taught by professors Kerry and Gingrich. (CLICK TO ENLARGE.) Image appears courtesy of Steve Ryan at ElectricUnderpants.com.

Part of the Bachelor of Liberal Arts program, where many other useless degrees reside, the curriculum was hand-picked by Mrs. Obama and based on her unparalleled record of vacationing around the world at others’ expense. Read the full story

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First Lady Michelle Obama – Coming soon to an Applebee’s near you


In case you’re just now emerging from a three-month coma or don’t have a television, you may have missed that Michelle Obama seems to be everywhere lately. Ever since she unveiled her brand new, trend-setting bangs in January, you almost can’t turn on the TV without seeing the First Lady.

In February, she was on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon where she and Jimmy performed The Evolution of Mom Dancing, which became an overnight You Tube viral sensation. Days later she announced the winner of Best Picture at the Academy Awards. And I’m pretty sure I saw her substituting for Judge Judy last Thursday. Read the full story

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China Admits to Hacking US Computers


China’s military leaders admitted today that they have been hacking into American military and industrial computers since the advent of the internet.

“Of course we’ve been hacking into American computers. You hack into ours, we hack into yours. That’s what all countries do!” said Chinese Defense Minister Liang Guanglie.

Guanglie further stated that the United States cannot keep any secrets from China due to China’s advanced hacking abilities.

“Just last night we hacked into President Obama’s Skype account while he had Skype sex with Mrs. Obama. Very hot!” Guanglie stated. “And she look very good in leather bustier and stockings!”

Other sources stated that the Chinese government has hacked into every American industry including aerospace, defense, telecommunications, aviation, robotics and all types of manufacturing. They have even hacked into the lucrative American porn industry.

“We make more money off porn that we do off all that military stuff”, said Chinese Premier Wen Jiabo.

Jiabo said that the Chinese government knows as much or more about Americans than the US government.

“We have files on all American citizens. We know when you are sleeping. We know when you’re awake. We know if you’ve been bad or good”, Jiabo concluded.

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Yet Another Black Mark Against Obama – He’s a Lefty


Yet another criticism of our “fearless leader” has been brought to light by those forces who are ever vigilant on keeping an eye on those treacherous liberal elements that have infested and are now running our great country.

It has come to surface that Omnipotent Obama is left handed! As we all know, things of the left hand are often associated with evil or inferiority. In Japan, left handed children were be killed because they were considered evil. Read the full story

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Chicago High School Replaces Gym Equipment with Nintendo Wii Stations


Chicago, Ill – GlossyNews.com – Chicago’s George Washington High School is the first in the nation to bring its gymnasium into the 21st century by replacing all of its gym equipment, including balls, bats, paddles and nets with two big-screen Nintendo Wii Stations. The idea spun out of Michelle Obama’s drive to make the nation’s youth more active and stamp out the growing trend toward juvenile obesity. Read the full story

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White House Celebrates as US Reaches 100% Unemployment Milestone


Washington, DC – 52 year old Robert Freed was blind-sided today when he walked into work and found a pink slip taped to his locker. After 23 years as an assemblyman at the GM truck plant in Dearborn Michigan, he never expected to be the last man left working in America, and now, finally, the last man laid off. Read the full story

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Michelle Obama Wins Big Ass Award


HOLLYWOODLAND, California (GlossyNews) — Just a few weeks ago at the annual televised ‘Celebrity Judging Show,’ critics awarded President Barack Hussein Obama’s wife, Michelle, the coveted ‘Really Big Ass of the Year’ award.

Hundreds of Hollywood’s elite gathered at a star-studded ceremony held in Grauman’s Chinese Theater as a team of judges from the prestigious IPT Center announced their favorite picks in 23 different categories. Read the full story

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Agriculture Secretary Fires Michelle Obama


ALEXANDRIA, Virginia (GlossyNews) — In what Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel termed, “ordinary mid-term reassignments” First Lady Michelle Obama was fired today by Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack.

The brief press statement, sent via Twitter and read by White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs, cited Michelle’s failure to ‘get with the program’ as cause for dismissal.

Said Gibbs, “She’s a nice woman, and we wish her the best in future endeavors, but Michelle just isn’t a good fit for Team Obama. We’re trying to change the direction of America; it’s serious business. Read the full story

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Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign


WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Barbie doll turned fifty-one recently, and First Lady Michelle Obama noted the occasion by announcing that Barbie would serve as the official spokesperson for the White House’s anti-childhood-obesity campaign.

“If America’s young people looked more like Barbie and Ken, and less like Jack and Kelly Osbourne,” said the first lady, “this country could get its butt in gear again.” Read the full story

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US First Lady Tops Google Porno’ Search


Google has issued a provisory apology to the White House regarding a controversial photograph of Michelle Obama – which certain prudish official and media sources – including the Rednecks Gazette, the KKK Monthly, the Jesus Crust Church of Latter Day Bakers and Playboy’s Amish edition columnists – have labelled ‘racially offensive and pornographic’ – that appears at the top of the browser list when net users search for images of the US First Lady. Read the full story

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First Lady Threatens Legal Action on Sotomayor Nomination


Washington – In an interview with Katie Couric this morning, Michelle Obama revealed that she is suing the President for breach of contract over the nomination of Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. Read the full story

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