LONDON, United Kingdom (Glossy News) — What was meant to be a special day for children at Middleburytonshire Elementary will be recalled quite differently after a surprise visit from Johnny Depp took a turn for the worse.

Precocious Jessica Smythe-Flaverhaven wrote a letter to famed actor Johnny Depp, believing Captain Jack Sparrow to be a real person and not just a film character. But what many may have otherwise called adorable, PETA activists called a criminal violation of animal rights. Read the full story

BOSTON, MA (GlossyNews) — First-time author Calvin Klavan has touched many nerves with his newly published, “The Keller Fraud: It was just a bad astigmatism.” In the 657 page narrative, Klavan posits a seemingly bizarre take on Keller, the beloved symbol of triumph against all odds. The book was bound to stir controversy, the author was quick to admit to Glossy News reporters. Read the full story

Hollywood CA — People Magazine has ruled — Depp won! Pirates Beat Vampires! was the header online — with an eye-popping 6.3 million total votes cast! Johnny Depp, mid-40s, is the World’s Sexiest Man!

Who were the contenders, aside from Loser Vampire Pattinson? —who took down a mere 2.3 million votes for second place. Well, in a twist of fun the editors of PM said they wanted the voting to be “like super” in 2009 so they threw in some real difficult votables to pass up. Read the full story