Tag Archive | "hollywood"

Untalented Richard Gere Wannabe Quits Pretentious Hollywood Advocacy Movie


Bill Maher recent welcomed the somewhat-far-from-non-unknown actor Waldo Williams to a heated debate.

Williams was to serve as a leading character in a patronizing, sub-Richard Gere, thinly-veiled political advocacy movie from Hollywood, entitled:

Spiritual Xinjiang: The Steppe Fox Howls.

But after a few day of filming this sanctimonious puff-piece about this majority-Muslim area of the People’s Republic of China, Williams said: Read the full story

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42 Reasons Why Scientology is Literally The Absolute Truth (1)


You’ve probably noticed: haters always criticize Scientology. Well, I’m going to educate all you curious and ripe-for-the-picking folks out there on why the doubters are wrong as Hell.

Admittedly, some conspicuously pretentious sophists will say that the reasons given here apply to other religions more than Scientology, but they are lying. And wicked. And should JUST SHUT THE HELL UP… Read the full story

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Posted in Human Interest, ReligionismComments (1)

Woman Seeks “Unconscious Uncoupling” from Comatose Husband


HOLLYWOOD, CA—In May of 2010, Jerry Gilbertson of the L.A. Area suffered a severe balloon animal accident that ruptured a cerebral artery and put him in a coma. Nearly four years later, Jerry’s wife Deborah has become fed up and decided to go forward with an “unconscious uncoupling” from her husband.

“Jerry’s grown distant these past four years,” says Deborah, 44. “When I visit him in the hospital, he doesn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way—it’s like I’m not even there. Plus, the sex is only so-so.” Read the full story

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ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF


Tel Aviv, Israel – Possibly fearing career backlash over her eight year stint as official ambassador for international human rights organization OXFAM, Scarlett Johansson has decided to join the Israel Defense Forces (IDF).

“I am very happy to be part of the IDF and will work very hard to turn back the tide of anti-Semitic Jew hate typified by organizations like OXFAM. Mazel Tov!” said Johansson. Read the full story

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‘Book Better Than Film’ Says Guy Who Wants You to Know He Reads Books


MUNCIE – In a disguised attempt to let you know that he is exceptionally well-read, an acquaintance today informed you that the latest Hollywood blockbuster you are planning to view this weekend is no way near as good as the book upon which it is based.

During a painstaking 12-minute critique, the pompous little turd proceeded to describe how and why the film’s take on the story “lacked the emotional depth” of the original novel, which, in case you didn’t hear the first time, he has read about twenty times. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Talky PicturesComments (2)

Token Black Guy Resigns from Film Production


Citing disagreements with producers over his designated point of death in the runtime, a token black guy has left his latest film production.

Reports suggest Marlon Tyrone broke with the production crew of “Attack of the Libertarian Zombies” after getting word that his death would occur 59 minutes into the movie, a far cry from his contract’s specified 61 minute minimum. Read the full story

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Oscar Snubs Silents This Year


Hollywood’s top silent film producers were shocked to learn that this year’s list of nominees for best picture Oscar included not a single silent picture.

“After last year’s win by The Artist,” said producer Milton Oak. “We figured that those of us making great silent films were once again back on top.” Read the full story

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky PicturesComments (5)

Hollywood: Remade (Electric Boogaloo)


After years and years of poor Hollywood remakes the film capital of the world has decided that Hollywood, itself, needs a remake.

Set for release in November 2015 the Hollywood remake will see star-studded town set in downtown Detroit, with the Hollywood sign made out of scrap metal.

Liz Silverman, head of the Committee Remake Association Partnership (CRAP), told Glossy News that she felt it was the right step for Hollywood: Read the full story

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Oy Vey: Seinfeld to Play Romney in Biopic


Jerry Seinfeld has been cast to play Governor Mitt Romney in a yet unnamed feature film.

How hard can it be to play an empty suit?

Ask Jerry.

“The hardest part will be keeping up with this guy. Romney, he’s the gymnast of politics. He flips, he flops, he flips again. He’s all over the place.” Read the full story

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Clint Eastwood Speaks at RNC, Warns Hurricane Isaac to ‘Get off my Lawn.’


Tampa- In a phenomenon that has left meteorologists stunned and searching for answers, Hurricane Isaac has unexpectedly retreated back into the Gulf of Mexico and petered out into a solitary storm cloud.

The storm’s demise coincided with Clint Eastwood’s arrival in Tampa, FL for the 2012 Republican National Convention, causing many of the actor’s fans to flock to the internet, attributing the legendary actor’s presence to Hurricane Isaac’s sudden end. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, PoliticsComments (3)

Struggling Local Actress Lands Gritty New Role as Data Entry Clerk


INDIANAPOLIS – After working tirelessly to break into the professional theater scene since her graduation from Butler University in 2009, former Theater Studies major Rachael Cardwell has landed a gritty new role entering data for S.C. Clarkson Ltd.

The talented struggling actress, whose only recent stage credit includes playing Lady Montague in a community theater production of Romeo & Juliet, joined up with the accounting firm’s existing crew members Monday. Read the full story

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Obama Defeats Romney in Hollywood Version of 2012 Presidential Election


LOS ANGELES – In a classic Hollywood ending that left audiences cheering and wiping tears from their eyes, President Obama triumphed over his Republican rival Mitt Romney in the 2012 U.S. presidential election, after staging a stunning come-from-behind upset that had seemed nearly impossible several scenes earlier. Read the full story

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Five-Year Old Child Prodigy Channeling Frank Zappa


Ezra and Zoe Weinbaum of Hollywood, Florida are finally ready to accept the fact that they may just have a child prodigy on their hands. Their son, Zach, has shown musical talent almost since he was able to coo, and now, he has taken up the strange activity of turning his bicycle upside down and playing it as an instrument. Read the full story

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Lindsay Lohan Goes Quasi-Ballistic


“I never even stalked Samatha, who said that I did?” Denial is the biggest river in the world, and one upon which her yellow fin mammals seem all too content into which to lie. Are dolphins aiding Lindsay Lohan in her stocking efforts?

No they aren’t. Read the full story

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Scientists Awarded Large US Grant to Make World 3-D


Faced with rising public clamor for more 3-D products, US researchers at federal facilities have pressed hard to deliver the world in full, three dimensional viewing. Invigorated by a recent grant of over $100 billion dollars, head scientists feel they can soon fulfill the Obama administration’s promise for “a change you can believe in.” Read the full story

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Hollywood Faces Shortage of Lame Ideas


Hollywoodland, CA (GlossyNews) — It has been whispered for months among the tight knit enclaves of Tinsel town. Following a recent spate of high profile suicides however, insiders are now speaking openly on the panic gripping their industry. Hollywood is running out of crappy material.

Glo-Mar Films CEO Lane Fontana spoke this week from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Pssst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro. “Ellen from GVI Studios driving her car off that cliff? What a tragic waste. That was a sweet little Porsche.” Read the full story

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