Tag Archive | "hollywood"

42 Reasons Why Scientology is LITERALLY The Absolute Truth (1)


You’ve probably noticed: haters always criticize Scientology. Well, I’m going to educate all you curious and ripe-for-the-picking folks out there on why the doubters are wrong as Hell.

Admittedly, some conspicuously pretentious sophists will say that the reasons given here apply to other religions more than Scientology, but they are lying. And wicked. And should JUST SHUT THE HELL UP… Read the full story

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Harry Potter Breaks Hollywood Gag-clause, Stuns World Leaders into Unscheduled Epic Three Minutes of Silence


Harry Potter breaks Warner Brothers contractual gag-clauses. The wizard reveals What Must Not Be Spoken in the News Media Anywhere in the Muggle World.

Here, for the first time, the shocking truth behind why one of the world’s most famous wizards was forced to live a double life as Daniel Radcliffe in the Muggle World since he signed with the Hollywood movie studio.

Potter spoke on the record with investigative journalist Sophia-Bigg-Storm about how the White House-Hollywood-Military-Media Propaganda Complex censored all wizards and witches who appeared in the Harry Potter movies from talking about a 900-year old Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War waged for financial control of the Muggle World.

Credit Conjurer: Ex-Wall Street & London banker, John Key, as New Zealand’s prime minister uses his Money Tree Wand to borrow $300m a week from a “foreign pixie” to keep the economy ‘solvent’.

Credit Conjurer: Ex-Wall Street & London banker, John Key, as New Zealand’s prime minister uses his Money Tree Wand to borrow billions from a “foreign pixie” to keep the economy of Lorde’s homeland ‘solvent’.

By Sophia Bigg-Storm, 13 August 2014

Raining on the Dark Wizards’ Parades

Wizard Harry Potter has shocked the Dark Forces of the Magical Realm that rule over the Muggle World.

The shock is not so much because Harry Potter spoke about the double life he has lived as Daniel Radcliffe in the Muggle World since he signed with the Warner Brothers movie studio to make the Harry Potter film series. Every muggle kid over the age of big six has worked this out and told their parents, but they have been disbelieved by their ‘know-betters’.

Rather, Potter has rocked the White House-Hollywood-Military-Media Propaganda Complex because he has spoken to a non-aligned news-outlet located in the Muggle World about an epic war being fought between Dark Wizards and Goblins. (It is a war fought mostly between males, because they dominate the top positions of banking and other major institutions; a fact which is a major gap in feminist scholarship due to the Ministry of Magic’s censorship power over education in the Muggle World).

This war has intensified in the last four decades. In short, the magical creatures are using their powers in a clichéd fight over the politics of money.

Potter stated that Warner Brothers movie studio had written gag-clauses into all the wizards and witches contracts, including his and his co-stars’ – witch, Hermione Granger and wizard, Ron Weasley. The Hollywood executives anticipated as the magically-gifted stars grew older, they would learn about the Wizard-Goblin’s Bankers’ War and likely try to alert entertainment-hungry naïve muggles about it. The wizard said they tried on numerous occasions to tell muggle reporters, but they would think the three young wizards were playing on the accepted separation between make-believe and make-real.

Furthermore, Potter explained key insiders of the world’s major news outlets have access to the major magical-stream media newspaper, the Daily Prophet, and like the world’s political leaders, they are well-briefed on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

The wizard said these key insiders were offered interviews with numerous wizards and witches, but all rebuffed the opportunities, except The Washington Post, whose dyslexic reporting duo, Bob Woodward Jnr and Carl Bernstein Jnr, fantasized about scooping Magicgate, but they became becaged with fear and ‘chickened-out’ at the last minute.

Moreover, Potter’s interview with the non-aligned news outlet Snoopman News in Auckland New Zealand, was sent to all the world’s major news outlets via the Daily Prophet newspaper and a planet-wide muggle media blackout on the scoop followed. We also contacted our secret sources in the Obama administration, who checked White House transcripts of phone calls, memos and other communications that are currently blocked from being ritualistically leaked. Those sources confirmed Harry Potter’s story, but could not risk providing communications at this time.

Fraternal Friends: The world’s major muggle-stream media outlets maintain a black-out on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

Fraternal Friends: The world’s major muggle-stream media outlets maintain a black-out on the Wizard-Goblin Bankers’ War.

Because of this worldwide censorship by unofficial means, numerous Light-working Wizards and Witches decided that it was time to break the Ministry of Magic’s law. That law stipulates that wizard and witches Must Not Reveal the Magical Realm to the Muggle World. But, the Light-working Wizards and Witches decided that unless they did, muggles would certainly become enslaved forever by debt, which had been sneakily added, like death and taxes, to life.

To this end, Harry Potter was sent via a hi-speed magnetized train network that runs through a natural tunnel labyrinth within the Earth’s crusty rock, to a far-flung outpost of the American Empire, the New Zealand ‘rock-star’ economy, where all musicians get by making coffee, not music. Except purple-lipped Lorde, who was chosen to be Queen Bee so that middle-class bees would channel their futile upper-class aspirations into consumer identity projects to keep the over-hyped economy working for the rich.

Potter said, “We’ve been extremely concerned about the fight between Dark Witches and Wizards and their enemies, the Goblin Bankers for some time.” A capitalist fraternity of Dark Wizards and Witches had struggled, throughout time and between the magical and muggle realms, with Goblin bankers for world domination, the wizard actor said.

World Domination by Finance

The famous wizard said that the American Empire has used its military power to force or coerce nearly every country in the world to trade oil in US dollars, during an interview that took place at night on the mean streets of Auckland, New Zealand’s largest city, in the middle of a week-long storm.

Harry Potter said, “[t]he US dollar, which has been the world’s unofficial world currency since World War II, is backed by the United States’ muggle military, and not gold or silver as it has been at various times.” By making the US dollar the central currency to trade oil, the world has, in effect, been financing the Dark Wizard’s militarization of the far-flung planet, Potter explained.

Presidential War Tree Wand: Obama carries the war wand when in transit in case the Dark Wizards order another war.

Presidential War Tree Wand: Obama carries the war wand when in transit in case the Dark Wizards order another war.

As audacious as that plot is, the Fraternity of Dark Wizard bankers and their rival Goblin bankers have burdened the world with debt to the tune of over $100 trillion. Potter stated, “The Fraternities of Dark Wizard and Goblin Bankers have captured most nation states during the last nine centuries through wars and terrorism, and other forms of traumatizing drama, including financial, economic and psychological warfare, with religious beliefs playing a major supporting role.

Their purpose has been to ensure that spineless governments borrow off the spiffily-dressed bankers, rather than control the issuance of the currencies and credit through their dimly-lit state treasuries, Potter said. As a result, most governments lack the sovereign power to supply their jurisdictions with the right proportion of debt-free currency and interest-free credit to facilitate the creation of resilient, sustainable and peaceful grown-up societies.

It gets worse.

Banks as Tools of Conquest

The rivalrous Dark Wizards and Goblin Bankers all over the world ensure the supply of cash is scarce. “Due to this enforced scarcity, most muggles are restricted from earning enough and they are coerced to borrow from the banking fraternities,” Potter said. “So, muggles toil away without realizing that darkly magical bankers are the great masters of central planning. Hitler would have creamed his Hugo Boss trousers if he’d been able to recruit the worst of them.”

Gringotts Bank, City of London: Knows Who’s Who of Richest in the Magical Realm and Muggle World That Bankers Must Not Name.

Gringotts Bank, City of London: Goblins Know Who’s Who of Richest in the Magical Realm and Muggle World That Bankers Must Not Name.

The Light-working wizard stated the Dark Wizard and Goblin bankers do not actually lend money they have when they brazenly make loans. It turns out that credit is simply magical money conjured into existence out of annoyingly thin air at the time naïve muggle ‘borrowers’ agree to make payments in the future to service the ‘loan’.

Sellers of goods and services bought on credit deposit the credit funds throughout the banking system. These funds get counted as new deposits. Low-level bean-counters, posh auditors and bank fraud units with 1980′s furniture have yet to cotton on to this system-wide swindle, Potter said. “Because they’ve learned their professions by rote-learning, instead of retaining a famously four-year old’s ‘But, why?’ curiosity, they fail to question where the money came from to inflate these massive credit bubbles.”

The sneaky banks use the deposits, “to buy interest-bearing treasury securities, corporate bonds and other financial instruments, like shares” to ‘earn’ easy income off, lamented the wizard-actor. It is upon that base of deposits that banks make new ‘loans’, also conjured into existence out of annoyingly thin air.

“What this means,” explained Potter, “is that the entire hexed Muggle race is forced to compete for the cash that the Dark Wizard and Goblin bankers keep scarce, in order to try to make enough money to pay the ‘loans’ and interest.”

“Because the Dark Capitalist Wizards, Witches and Goblins are so well-connected to their magical insiders working in politics, judiciaries, militaries, royal palaces, academia, ecclesiastical and media institutions, their spells over muggles are tricky to break”, Potter said with a raised eyebrow, indicating he could hardly believe how this brazen dark network of ‘has-beens’ has been able to fool even self-important low-level bean counters. “What’s more, the alliances can be blurred because you get some who empathize with their official enemy because of the universal magic power that jolts even muggles out of their rigidity: love.”

Dark Royalty Blood

We reached Britomart Train Station in downtown Auckland, New Zealand, and stepped into the wall at Platform 3 and One Third. We were now among the hubbub of the magical world in the underground Transcontinental Train Transport station where trains run on time due to the charm, Give-a-Shitus (New Zealand magical slang for caring).

Potter retrieved his wand and with the drying charm, exaresco, he made us dry again. We said goodbye. I saw what I thought was childrens’ purple water-colour paint on the pavement. “Purple paint!” I blurted to escape embarrassment of the fan-girlish feeling that came over me.

Harry followed my gaze and exclaimed, “Wizard blood … or witch blood.”

“I thought witch and wizard blood was red,” I said.

“Not Dark Royalty blood,” said Potter, as we both tracked the purple blood splotches that started where I stood and led to the super-fast magnetic propulsion train, which took only three hours to travel to the opposite side of the planet. “It’s always purple!”

Dark Wizard or Witch Blood? A sign that a wounded Dark Royal boarded the fast train back to London.

Dark Wizard or Witch Blood? A sign that a wounded Dark Royal boarded the fast train back to London.

Potter boarded. “Be careful Harry,” I called. “New Zealand’s darkly magical fraternity can be vile when drunk.”

I could see him following the trail of blood up an aisle, with his wand ready to zap at danger.

Potter swung around and I jumped. He opened a window. “Hermione wrote up notes and a list of references for you to use with the interview,” Potter called out, handing me a notebook with a green owl on the cover.

We both laughed hard. Harry Potter closed the carriage window a moment before the train bolted into the night throwing him hard against a seat.

I realized then that Harry Potter is one of the bravest, big-hearted people I have met. It would be shallow to write-off the risks that Potter takes simply because he is gifted with magical powers. To think that would mean to be suckered into the media persona conjured by J.K. Rowling and Warner Brothers.

Most people of privilege, including middle-class muggles, are too scaredy-cat to investigate the truth behind ‘the news’ themselves.

Whereas, Harry Potter is using his privilege to help zoned-out muggles see that what little freedom they have is in peril and to believe in their own source of magic: intuition, imagination and inquisitiveness.

Not Just Fiction: Wizard Harry Potter slipped away from his day-job at the Ministry of Magic’s Auror Office, the magical agents who apprehend Dark Wizards.

Not Just Fiction: Wizard Harry Potter slipped away from his day-job at the Ministry of Magic’s Auror Office, the magical agents who apprehend Dark Wizards.

As I reached our world headquarters, where our researching elves were busy chatting on Facebook, I wondered what color would be used to depict witches’ blood in tampon and sanitary-pad commercials in the magical realm.

I told some of the elves that Harry Potter had recognized the purple blood of a wizard or witch. The elves, many of whom are studying Public Relations because it is lucrative, easy work to do undercover, stopped Face-booking only to ask if they could post the photos, without hearing the full story. They could get work as journalists anywhere in the world, I thought, especially since many reporters, who regard themselves as ninjas of the internet, no longer leave their desks.

The elves said they did not know what colour witches’ period blood would be depicted in commercials. But, they said it would certainly not be purple. Not with Wizards and male Goblins controlling darkly magical capitalism.

====================

Amazonian-American journalist Sophia Bigg-Storm tried to break the story that World I and World II were conjured by an Anglo-American Brotherhood who conspired to dominate the world by controlling oil and finance, through a system enforced by military aggression, subversion and other intrigues. Bigg-Storm’s investigations were suppressed by her former employer, The National Enquirer, a newspaper that movie critics think is just make-believe because it was depicted in the film Citizen Kane. She was recently gifted Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth on a recent holiday to her ancestral home of Paradise Island, which is driving other reporters mad with envy. SEE: Snoopman News http://snoopman.net.nz

SEE ALSO: Harry Potter’s Suppressed Interview (Edited Transcript) at: http://snoopman.net.nz/?p=1808

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Woman Seeks “Unconscious Uncoupling” from Comatose Husband


HOLLYWOOD, CA—In May of 2010, Jerry Gilbertson of the L.A. Area suffered a severe balloon animal accident that ruptured a cerebral artery and put him in a coma. Nearly four years later, Jerry’s wife Deborah has become fed up and decided to go forward with an “unconscious uncoupling” from her husband.

“Jerry’s grown distant these past four years,” says Deborah, 44. “When I visit him in the hospital, he doesn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way—it’s like I’m not even there. Plus, the sex is only so-so.” Read the full story

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ScarJo Quits OXFAM, Joins IDF


Tel Aviv, Israel – Possibly fearing career backlash over her eight year stint as official ambassador for international human rights organization OXFAM, Scarlett Johansson has decided to join the Israel Defense Forces (IDF).

“I am very happy to be part of the IDF and will work very hard to turn back the tide of anti-Semitic Jew hate typified by organizations like OXFAM. Mazel Tov!” said Johansson. Read the full story

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‘Book Better Than Film’ Says Guy Who Wants You to Know He Reads Books


MUNCIE – In a disguised attempt to let you know that he is exceptionally well-read, an acquaintance today informed you that the latest Hollywood blockbuster you are planning to view this weekend is no way near as good as the book upon which it is based.

During a painstaking 12-minute critique, the pompous little turd proceeded to describe how and why the film’s take on the story “lacked the emotional depth” of the original novel, which, in case you didn’t hear the first time, he has read about twenty times. Read the full story

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Token Black Guy Resigns from Film Production


Citing disagreements with producers over his designated point of death in the runtime, a token black guy has left his latest film production.

Reports suggest Marlon Tyrone broke with the production crew of “Attack of the Libertarian Zombies” after getting word that his death would occur 59 minutes into the movie, a far cry from his contract’s specified 61 minute minimum. Read the full story

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Oscar Snubs Silents This Year


Hollywood’s top silent film producers were shocked to learn that this year’s list of nominees for best picture Oscar included not a single silent picture.

“After last year’s win by The Artist,” said producer Milton Oak. “We figured that those of us making great silent films were once again back on top.” Read the full story

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Hollywood: Remade (Electric Boogaloo)


After years and years of poor Hollywood remakes the film capital of the world has decided that Hollywood, itself, needs a remake.

Set for release in November 2015 the Hollywood remake will see star-studded town set in downtown Detroit, with the Hollywood sign made out of scrap metal.

Liz Silverman, head of the Committee Remake Association Partnership (CRAP), told Glossy News that she felt it was the right step for Hollywood: Read the full story

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Oy Vey! Seinfeld to Play Romney in Biopic


Jerry Seinfeld has been cast to play Governor Mitt Romney in a yet unnamed feature film.

How hard can it be to play an empty suit?

Ask Jerry.

“The hardest part will be keeping up with this guy. Romney, he’s the gymnast of politics. He flips, he flops, he flips again. He’s all over the place.” Read the full story

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Clint Eastwood Speaks at RNC, Warns Hurricane Isaac to ‘Get off my Lawn.’


Tampa- In a phenomenon that has left meteorologists stunned and searching for answers, Hurricane Isaac has unexpectedly retreated back into the Gulf of Mexico and petered out into a solitary storm cloud.

The storm’s demise coincided with Clint Eastwood’s arrival in Tampa, FL for the 2012 Republican National Convention, causing many of the actor’s fans to flock to the internet, attributing the legendary actor’s presence to Hurricane Isaac’s sudden end. Read the full story

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Struggling Local Actress Lands Gritty New Role as Data Entry Clerk


INDIANAPOLIS – After working tirelessly to break into the professional theater scene since her graduation from Butler University in 2009, former Theater Studies major Rachael Cardwell has landed a gritty new role entering data for S.C. Clarkson Ltd.

The talented struggling actress, whose only recent stage credit includes playing Lady Montague in a community theater production of Romeo & Juliet, joined up with the accounting firm’s existing crew members Monday. Read the full story

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Obama Defeats Romney in Hollywood Version of 2012 Presidential Election


LOS ANGELES – In a classic Hollywood ending that left audiences cheering and wiping tears from their eyes, President Obama triumphed over his Republican rival Mitt Romney in the 2012 U.S. presidential election, after staging a stunning come-from-behind upset that had seemed nearly impossible several scenes earlier. Read the full story

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Five-Year Old Child Prodigy Channeling Frank Zappa


Ezra and Zoe Weinbaum of Hollywood, Florida are finally ready to accept the fact that they may just have a child prodigy on their hands. Their son, Zach, has shown musical talent almost since he was able to coo, and now, he has taken up the strange activity of turning his bicycle upside down and playing it as an instrument. Read the full story

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Lindsay Lohan Goes Quasi-Ballistic


“I never even stalked Samatha, who said that I did?” Denial is the biggest river in the world, and one upon which her yellow fin mammals seem all too content into which to lie. Are dolphins aiding Lindsay Lohan in her stocking efforts?

No they aren’t. Read the full story

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Scientists Awarded Large US Grant to Make World 3-D


Faced with rising public clamor for more 3-D products, US researchers at federal facilities have pressed hard to deliver the world in full, three dimensional viewing. Invigorated by a recent grant of over $100 billion dollars, head scientists feel they can soon fulfill the Obama administration’s promise for “a change you can believe in.” Read the full story

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Hollywood Faces Shortage of Lame Ideas


Hollywoodland, CA (GlossyNews) — It has been whispered for months among the tight knit enclaves of Tinsel town. Following a recent spate of high profile suicides however, insiders are now speaking openly on the panic gripping their industry. Hollywood is running out of crappy material.

Glo-Mar Films CEO Lane Fontana spoke this week from Malibu’s exclusive ‘Pssst, You can smoke in here’ Bistro. “Ellen from GVI Studios driving her car off that cliff? What a tragic waste. That was a sweet little Porsche.” Read the full story

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