Tag Archive | "Hell"

Joan Rivers Makin’ Em Laugh in Hell


Comedienne Joan Rivers may have died last week following complications from plastic surgery, but that doesn’t mean she’s slowed down or lost her edge.

The eighty-one year-old comic, known for her bitchy attitude, is still makin’ ’em laugh in the after world. The dead comedian was quickly sent straight to Hell, where she is expected to stay for some time. Read the full story

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Teens in School Tour Bus Crash Catch Fire; Parents Glad it Wasn’t Aids


Parents of teenagers that were severely Jewed alive in the school tour bus crash in Los Angeles are now relieved from the good news that was delivered to them this week.

The smarty-pant scientists confirmed this morning that the school bus indeed caught fire and it indeed “Jewed them up real good, crispy bacon to be exact.” Jack in the Box is now extracting meat from their remains. Read the full story

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Posted in Health, SocietyComments (3)

Yeezus Punishes Kanye West for Taking His Own Name in Vain


Yeezus, master of all universes, creator of light and darkness which thrives upon us has blamed and punished the innocent Kanye West for criticizing him in a public ceremony after calling him a “no good, dirty piece of shit” and “a disgrace to hip-hop music, if hip-hop was considered music.”

Yeezuits attending the ceremony had to escort Kanye out of the church building and into his vehicle, a 2014 Kim Sluté. Read the full story

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Posted in Celebrity Gossip, EntertainmentComments (0)

The Boston Marathon Bombers First Day In Jihadist Heaven


Tamerlan Tsarnaev, the Boston Marathon bomber killed by Boston police, was freshly arrived in the Heaven promised for Jihadist fighters. A guide was there to help him get established.

“Hello, Mr. Tsarnaev. I am here to help you find your place in this ‘heaven’ you earned.”

Tamerlan was still a little woozy from leaving his body so quickly after being shot and then run over by his own brother in the shoot out with the cops. “Oh….oh…. wait a minute….I am in heaven?” Read the full story

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Posted in ReligionismComments (1)

Report: TSA Agents Receive Eternal Cavity Searches in Hell


Washington is ablaze with fury after one of Satan’s lieutenants accidentally leaked the conditions of punishment for TSA agents in Hell, which include cavity searches that never ever end.

Buroz Baliferous, a lower demon who works under Satan in the Department of Purgatory Projects, mistakenly emailed details of how the federal workers are treated when they pass through hell’s front gate after a life of pan-molestation to Congressman Hank Johnson’s office. Read the full story

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More CEO Jokes (Because They Just Won’t Go Away)


Why is the nickname for CEO’s ‘Deepwater Horizon’?

Because they leave an oily trail behind them wherever they go. Read the full story

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Osama’s “24”; Transition to Hell Documented


Anxious to give Hollywood even more in-depth details surrounding the hunt and “sanctioned removal” of Osama Bin Laden, the Obama Administration has unwittingly acknowledged the existence of innovative new technology. Using the Baal2012 SuperComputer leased by StrangleCorp, the government has apparently provided Hollywood with a transcript of Osama’s “Transition to the Netherworld”. Read the full story

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Heart Torn From Him While Living; Undead Won’t Rest Until Cheney Returns It


There are levels of Hell that even Dante did not know. (Image courtesy of outletradio.com)

Hells that are not bright and hot but with an icy cold that freezes thought itself.
Hells of place, of emotion, of mind, of other people.

And there are places on earth where these Hells break through to the surface and there manifest. Read the full story

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Trump Killed By Mob; Resurrected By Satan


Enraged at Donald Trump’s failed political career, scores of angry investors screwed out of millions in campaign dollars converged on Trump’s limo outside a district court, pulled him from the vehicle and strangled him to death with his own comb-over. Read the full story

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An Up Close Look at Australian Animals From Hell


No, I am not going to write about kangaroos.

I am not that cheap. Everybody who wants to write funny stories about Australia writes about kangaroos. I refuse to stoop that low. They are too easy a target, too cheap a shot. I will, however, write about koala bears. I may not be cheap, but I have my limits. Koala bears sell.

Just to show how thin the line between humor and reality is at times I have put an asterisk before items that really, actually and truly did happen. Read the full story

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Posted in ScienceComments (8)

Residents of Heaven Complain about Lack of Freedom


Residents of a community somewhere in southern California are coming forward with serious allegations of discrimination, forced behavior, and restrictions on personal freedom.

Compared by its residents to ‘prison’ the community apparently forces them to wear white robes at all times and to sing hymns for the community’s dictatorial administrator. That’s not the worst of it though – residents are not allowed to leave the premises… ever! Read the full story

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Posted in ReligionismComments (4)

Amateur Astronomer finds Hell in Space


It started out as a normal night for amateur astronomer Rick Saty last Wednesday evening. After setting up his 14-inch reflector telescope in his backyard and collimating it (a process in which the lenses are adjusted to bring them all into perfect alignment), he turned his telescope at a variety of objects in the night sky. Like he always does, the first thing Saty checked out was the Orion Nebula and then the Andromeda Galaxy, “They’re so inspiring.” Read the full story

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Glossy News Guide: The Five People You Will Meet In Hell


DETROIT, Mich. (Glossy News) — Coming years after the much lauded success of his beloved novel, “The Five People You Meet In Heaven,” author Mitch Albom now returns to the best seller charts with “The Five People You Meet In Hell,” which he emphasizes is not a sequel.

In the first book, an amusement park maintenance man named Eddie dies unexpectedly while trying to save a young girl’s life at Ruby Pier. He unexpectedly finds that ‘life’ doesn’t end with his death. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, Human InterestComments (0)

Special Hell for CEOs Created


God Almighty in close association with Satan has created a special hell for CEO’s and other business leaders who have helped to create the present worldwide financial meltdown (it seems Satan himself couldn’t stomach the gall of these money-engorged maggots and willingly agreed to work in conjunction with his nemesis). In one of the most colossal constructions since the six days it took to make the universe, the two, working under the corporate title ‘Raising Hell’ created the following new sectors, much on the order of a really unpleasant theme park: Read the full story

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Breach in Time/Space Continuum Opens Portal to all 9 Circles of Hell, CERN Not Involved


Man recently donned the cloak of Creator and assumed the role of God.

His manipulation of ORMEs, the esoteric sciences and applied quantum technologies saw Thomas Moore’s dream bastion of perfection a reality manifested.

Utopia Inc., the next best thing to Heaven on Earth, opened its Pearly Gates to those who could afford the luxurious environment and opulent lifestyles it offered. Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, TechnologyComments (1)

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