Tag Archive | "food"

Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death


GARY, IN—While eating at his neighborhood Quizno’s Wednesday, local man Gene Lisowski spoke with reporters about the fact that he completely forgot the inescapable reality of his own death while eating a turkey club hoagie.

Lisowski described the sandwich that caused the certitude that he would one day be a lifeless, decomposing vessel to simply slip his mind as “real tasty.” Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (8)

WWII-Era Sub Found At 7-Eleven


O’AHU, HAWAII — Researchers in Hawaii have uncovered a World War II-era submarine sandwich inside the island’s only 7-Eleven store location.

The sub, known in the early 1940s as a “Spam-n-Depression Special” is made up of mostly Spam, lettuce and iron ore.

RIGHT: An historical photograph of a similar sandwich in its prime, ca. 1941. (CLICK TO ENLARGE) Read the full story

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Posted in ScienceComments (4)

Local Man Heartbreakingly Proficient at Preparing Single Serving Frozen Dinners


DENVER—Resident mortgage loan processing clerk Gordon Holcomb discussed with reporters on Tuesday the fact that he has become highly skilled at microwaving frozen dinners intended exclusively for a forlorn, solitary soul.

Correspondents winced as Holcomb described in excruciating detail the way he is able to heat each sad meal for the exact amount of time so that it turns out “just right.” Read the full story

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Posted in Human InterestComments (1)

Breakfast Burrito Connoisseur Frankly Thinks Hardee’s Can Do Better


KANSAS CITY, MO—After eating breakfast at a local Hardee’s Friday morning, resident and self-described “breakfast burrito aficionado” Lloyd Schoepp was “honestly let down” by his burrito eating experience.

The tortilla-wrapped breakfast concoction that Hardee’s offers consists of “eggs, pieces of sausage, bacon, some ham cubes, shredded cheddar, and I think there was salsa.”

“It just didn’t ‘wow’ me,” Schoepp lamented. Read the full story

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Treatment for Explosive Diarrhea Found, Scientists Calling It “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu”


Reduce unnecessary body pains using reliable painkillers.

ATLANTA — Researchers at the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) believe they may have discovered a potentially [social]life-saving treatment for those afflicted with bouts of explosive diarrhea in an experimental operation they are calling “Olive Garden’s To-Go Menu,” in which the cause of the symptoms – faux Italian food – is counteracted by the patient’s proximity to his own, private toilet, sources report. Read the full story

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Posted in Biz News, HealthComments (0)

UK Taco Bell found to contain horse meat; Customers call it “vast improvement”


Following the release of information claiming several UK Taco Bell locations have been serving unregulated horse meat, customers are rejoicing in the scandal.

Calling the new burrito filler a “vast improvement” over the previous sawdust laden beef concoction, which in early 2011 led to a lawsuit attempting to ban the fast food chain from labeling their beef blend (containing only 36% actual beef) as meat. Read the full story

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Posted in HealthComments (0)

ABC’s “The Taste” Signs Starving Ethiopian Child as Season 2 Judge


LOS ANGELES — Following Tuesday’s season one finale, producers of the ABC reality cooking show The Taste announced yesterday that they have finished a deal to replace Celebrity Chef Ludo Lefebvre on the judging panel next season with Random Starving Ethiopian Child “Umbeke.”

The move – which experts say should significantly increase the show’s ratings – will give the panel a broader range of tastes since Umbeke, according to producers, “will gobble down the weirder shit that even Bourdain won’t touch.” Read the full story

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Posted in TelevisionComments (1)

Man Able to Put Anti-Immigration Beliefs Aside During Qdoba Visit


FISHERS, INDIANA – During a post-work visit to American-Mexican food chain Qdoba Tuesday, local bigot Steve Clitheroe was somehow able to put aside his anti-immigration beliefs while enjoying a “mighty fine” meal with wife Linda.

Though he routinely espouses strong views about the need to tighten up border security and to instill federal legislation that would limit the opportunities of Mexican immigrants inside the United States, he was able – just for a solitary moment – to see past the usual hard-line conservative rhetoric and just enjoy a “damn-near perfect” chicken quesadilla. Read the full story

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Posted in Strange PeopleComments (2)

Newspapers Decline as Baked Beans Continue to Boom


New figures show the continuing decline of print newspaper circulation all over the world.

Circulation is down a further 15% from last year’s figures, meaning that fewer people are buying a newspaper.

Professor John McDonald, department head of the scientific study of journalism said: “It would appear that the figures show fewer people are purchasing newspapers, which will mean less papers are sold”. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & MiscComments (4)

Traffic Light Nutritional Coding System Given Green Light


A new system of coding fat, sugar and salt content has been approved and would mean that all pre-packed food would have to display a colour coded guide on the front of the package.

Red would mean high in fat, sugar or salt, amber meaning a little higher then needed and green meaning acceptable levels. Read the full story

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Posted in Health, News In Your BriefsComments (1)

Yes, Chinese People Really Do Eat Dogs and Cats


I have got to stop eating out at these back alley streets here in China. It’s summer; and it’s hot: and all the foods here in China are rotten!

Did you know that Chinese people eat dogs too? Yeah, they put them in a stew. And it’s delicious!
They eat cats too. But there is just not enough meat on the cats.

Dog meats are mostly lean, as compared to pork. Read the full story

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Posted in Serious CommentaryComments (18)

Obama Boldly Removes Aioli Spreads from White House Menu


WASHINGTON DC—In an effort to prove that decreasing the U.S. deficit will require shared sacrifices, President Obama announced on Tuesday that he will eliminate aioli spreads from the White House Menu.

“Let me be clear. We are not limiting these cuts to the traditional Garlic aioli,” the President told a group of reporters at the White House on Tuesday afternoon, “No. We’re cutting all kinds of aioli—Chipotle, Basil, Dill, Tarragon, even Mint, despite the fact that it goes so well over the Braised Lamb Shanks with Thyme.” Read the full story

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Posted in PoliticsComments (0)

Child Protective Services Crackdowns on Tater Tots, ‘Baby Back’ Ribs


SACRAMENTO, California (GlossyNews) — The California Department of Social Services launched the biggest child abuse crackdown in the agency’s history. Citing various infractions of both state and federal laws, the enforcement division of the CDSS, the Child Protective Services (CPS). often called the Goon Squad, made simultaneous raids at various homes and business locations across the state. Over 735 people were either arrested or taken into protective custody. Reportedly, up to 74 ‘Tater Tots’ were also taken into protective custody by agents who acted in the knick of time, just before they were to be eaten. Read the full story

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Posted in Health, Kidz ZoneComments (0)

Oil Disaster Pummels Small Pennsylvania Town


GETTYSBURG, Pennsylvania (GlossyNews) — The latest in a series of disasters has humbled a small town in Northeastern, PA. Naticoke, Pennsylvania, which was well known in the their region for being a major coal mining town in the 1930’s, was sent into a state of shock and panic this weekend. What was recently the scene of village-wide celebration in honor of the grand opening of a new Applebee’s restaurant has turned into a nightmare for many of the town’s four thousand plus citizens. Read the full story

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Posted in Environment, Human Interest, SocietyComments (1)

BP Creates Culinary Division to Sell Turtle Meat


CHALMETTE, Louisiana (GlossyNews) — Add abysmal stock prices to the $20 billion escrow fund and BP’s existing $2.35 billion clean up tab, and you begin to realize how quickly deep pockets grow shallow. The Deep Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico has destroyed the petroleum giant’s forecasted $14 billion profit margin. And with 2.5 million gallons of crude spewing from the well daily, it becomes a daunting, if not impossible, task to calculate the financial hardships BP may be facing in the very near future. To further complicate matters, various pension fund managers have announced plans to sue BP for heavy investment losses. Read the full story

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Posted in Biz News, EnvironmentComments (0)

“My Little Pony” Chewy Fruit Snacks Found to Contain Horse Meat


MINNEAPOLIS, MN (GlossyNews) – Shock and horror were rampant in the children’s snack market this morning as the word spread that the popular “My Little Pony” fruit snacks contained elements of actual pony. The discovery was apparently made during an unannounced inspection at L&M Novelty Foods.

“Today is a sad day for both the children’s snack market and the equestrian community,” said lead USDA inspector Arnold Roberts. “We had suspicion for quite some time that elements of the product contained horse meat, and this was unfortunately confirmed by today’s test results.” Read the full story

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Posted in Biz NewsComments (3)

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