Tag Archive | "family"

Better parenting through polling


When it comes to parenting, I don’t always make the best decisions. I’m not always sure what the right thing to do is in a difficult situation.

Like the time our elder daughter begged and pleaded with me to let her drive the car to the mall. It was a sunny day. Traffic was light. And she had behaved extremely well all week long. So against my better judgment, I said okay. Two minutes later, she smashed the car into a stop sign barely 100 yards from our driveway. A part of me can’t help but wonder whether in retrospect I made a mistake giving in to the incessant pleadings of an eight-year-old to drive my minivan. Read the full story

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90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is


FT. LAUDERDALE, FLA — 90-year-old Elmer Durzylwood was reportedly at peace in his final hours late last night after his family had spent the entire day repeatedly telling him that he is very old, sources report. Read the full story

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Local Parents Counting the Seconds Until Holidays End


Worchester, MA – The Henderson parents have had it.

“I never thought I’d say it, but it was easier when they were all in high school,” Richard, 49 year-old father and certified accountant, said.

His wife Tabatha agreed, and admitted to having had a migraine since late Friday, mere hours after son Jerry arrived at the airport from Florida and daughter Jenny was dropped off by friends from her first semester of college.

“They’ve both grown so much since leaving for school,” she said, “And in such opposite directions. They just can’t seem to get along with each other, anymore.”

“Or us,” Richard added, alluding to the concerned calls from the neighbors soon after the traditional Christmas Eve game of Old Maid crumbled into arguing over who, exactly, really deserved the title card.

Tension, if possible, managed to escalate on Christmas morning when presents began getting unwrapped and an undisclosed someone made the mistake of not scraping the price sticker off a gift.

“That’s when the shit really hit the fan,” Richard nodded.

“Chocolate, dear,” Tabatha corrected him, with a gentle pat on his knee and a heavy sigh. “Really good chocolate.”

The presence of other family members for most of the day seemed to dissipate the animosity, as everyone put on the “nice and loving family” act, but after dinner the company left and things returned to the new, hellish normal.

“I begged Aunt Judy and Mike not to leave,” Tabatha admitted.

Now the two parents are counting down the hours before their dear and dreaded children go back to school for spring semester. Their travel bags have been filled and left in conspicuously well-traveled areas of the house, as a constant reminder that the time is ticking down. Both parents have even memorized return itineraries, going so far as to alter Jenny’s to get her back as soon as the dorms open again.

“Just last month, we were saying we weren’t going to pay to send them away for spring break,” Richard stated, “We changed that, last night.”

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Hope for Sufferers from Crazy Uncle Syndrome


Dateline: NEW YORK—Leo Cornwallis belongs to roughly the third of modern male siblings that suffer from Crazy Uncle Syndrome, according to the Sociological Index of Abnormality.

But Leo and a growing number of others like him have sought to mitigate their condition by joining the Crazy Uncles Society.

Morris Pencilpusher, a sociologist at NYU who studies the syndrome, says that most boys in modern societies grow up to be relatively well-adjusted and successful, according to that Index which defines normality in terms of a range of politically correct criteria. Read the full story

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Parents Nationwide Update Children on Latest Things to Worry About


ACROSS THE NATION—Upon arriving at their parents’ house, sources confirmed they were greeted by their mother with the words, “Glad to see you made it. We’re always hearing about vehicle recalls on the news and you never know what might happen, what with people’s brakes failing left and right and whatnot.”

Mere seconds after additional sources walked in the front door for Thanksgiving, the sources’ father, Vernon, said, “Do you know how many houses burned down last year alone from ovens just like that? Terrible.” Read the full story

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Dad Waits for Break in Dialogue to Repeat Line


FORT WORTH, TX—While watching an action adventure film with his family Sunday evening, local father Lou Burkley waited briefly for the film’s dialogue to subside, giving him the window of opportunity to say out loud a line he deemed worthy of repeating.

Seizing the moment, Burkley uttered the now famous words, “We’re gonna need more chairs.”

RIGHT: Image by amyfry2000 via Flickr (CLICK TO ENLARGE)

At the time of this writing, the context of the line remains unclear. Read the full story

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Indiana Family Shocked to Find It’s Not 1987


GOSHEN – As most Americans were busy celebrating the coming of 2012 at midnight last night, the Albrecht family of Goshen, Indiana were surprised to find that they had not just ushered in the year 1987.

Rocking away the night to a cassette recording of Aerosmith’s Permanent Vacation album – a favorite among the Albrechts – the family insisted that it was an “enormous shock” to find that Western civilization had advanced some 25 years since they last checked. Read the full story

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Aleve Introduces New Product Just for Family Gatherings


MORRISTOWN, NJ—On Tuesday, the makers of popular headache relief medicine Aleve were proud to announce their new product made specifically for family gatherings.

“We just asked ourselves, ‘Can’t there be a way to not hate every moment of every holiday that social obligation basically forces you into?’ So here it is.”

Test subjects in the simulation of a Thanksgiving family meal reported remarkable differences such as less awareness of their temple throbbing, as well as neither finding themselves with their hands formed into fists nor realizing a tension in their jaws from clenching their teeth. Read the full story

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Editorial: An important message from your cat


[This week, Glossy News is pleased to introduce Tuxedo, a 23-pound spokescat who has requested to provide this op-ed piece, representing the views of household cats everywhere.]

Hey, owner. This is your cat. There appears to be a little confusion as to just exactly who’s in charge here. I know, I know. You pay the electric bill, pay the insurance (whatever that is), and you buy all the food. That does not make you king of my castle. I’m afraid I’m going to have to go over the ground rules one more time if I’m going to allow you to stay here. Read the full story

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A Devoted Christian on Marriage, Family, & Homosexuality, where the Conservatives and Liberals Can Meet


I’ve been working in the field of Genetics and Bioinformatics for many years now. What I’ve been taught most of my life is that homosexuality is an innate condition that people are born with. The genetics of this is very complicated so I will simplify. For example:

1. SRY (Sex-determining region Y) is a sex-determining gene on the Y chromosome (XX = Female; XY = Male). SRY is a single gene located on the Y chromosome that activates a complex array of male determining genotype and phenotype genes during the process of fertilization, differentiation, and development of an female egg into a baby.

However, during the mixing and cross-over of chromosomes, the SRY gene can be stripped from the Y chromosome and attach itself to the X chromosome. So some XX sex determining chromosome sets to from a woman can produce homosexual characteristics that can result in the birth of a Lesbian. The opposite is true for Gays.

2. Prenatal Hormones. If a lot of Androgen is present in the mother’s womb during the development of nerve cells and the brain, then a female baby can come to form as a Lesbian.

3. Androgen Absorption Resistance. Cells in a baby can be resistant to the absorption of androgen to produce testosterone. Without testosterone in the presence of a baby, the baby can also become homosexual.

Other genetic factors are too complicated to explain here. But take my word for it!

However, an interesting bioinformatics statistic came to my attention today: “Almost all of the homosexual children are born by heterosexual parents. And Almost all of the children raised by homosexual parents are heterosexual children.”

I did some research outside of my field of study on what other factors other than inheriting genes, proteins and hormones that can cause homosexuality. Can homosexuality be a choice or a lifestyle rather than genetics? I came across some literature on this subject today.

In a U.S.-based 1970s mail survey by Shere Hite, lesbians self-reported their reasons for being lesbian. This is the only major piece of research into female sexuality that has looked at how women understand being homosexual since Kinsey in 1953. The research yielded information about women’s general understanding of lesbian relationships and their sexual orientation.

Women talked about social conditioning, which made it “almost impossible for me to have a truly healthy sexual relationship with a man”. Another woman stated that because of their conditioning “women are much more sensitive to other people’s needs”, and so “sex is better with women physically and emotionally”, stating she preferred the symmetries of power and aesthetic between women. Some talked about preferring women.

“Personally, I like girls better, they are more tender and loving”, and some went into how they found that emotional relationships with women were more satisfying than those with men, with women making more creative and versatile lovers. One woman reported it was easier for her “to give myself emotionally to a woman”.

A woman who had been a lesbian for two years said she found that sexual relationships with women were more pleasurable on both psychological and physical levels than with men; this was “because the women I’ve had sex with have been my friends first, which was never the case with men. Being friends sets up a trust that I think is essential for satisfying physical intimacy.

Relating to another woman physically seems to me like the most natural thing in the world. You’ve already got a head start on knowing how to give her pleasure. Gentleness seems to be the key, and is the main difference between relating to men and women.'”

Women talked about women making better sexual partners and that was a dominant theme: “I find women better lovers; they know what a woman wants and most of all, there is an emotional closeness that can never be matched with a man. More tenderness, more consideration and understanding of feelings, etc.” This was because men were perceived as unliberated “sexually or emotionally or any other way”, and lesbianism was perceived “as an alternative to abstinence” and to men generally.

Men were perceived as usually juvenile, while a relationship with women was described as “more of a communion with self”. Sex as well as relationships with women were seen as a way of achieving independence from men; “sex with a woman means independence from men.”

Male sexual performance was another problem, “ten to twenty minutes for a man, at least an hour with a woman, usually more”, as well as attention to the sexual needs of women who themselves “seem to have a more sustained energy level after orgasm, and are more likely to know and do something about it if I’m not satisfied”. One understanding of the difference was that sex with women “is not an ‘exchange’ or a ‘trade’ or services”, and not focused on orgasm, with “more kissing and holding” and “more concern for my pleasure”, which was experienced as liberating.

Sex with women was also seen as a political act; “I see lesbianism as putting all my energies (sexual, political social, etc.) into women. Sex is a form of comfort and to have sex indiscriminately with males is to give them comfort.”.

Hite found the two most significant differences between respondents’ experience with men and women were the focus on clitoral stimulation, and more emotional involvement and orgasmic responses. Since Hite carried out her study she has acknowledged that some women may have chosen the political identity of a lesbian. Julie Bindel, a UK journalist, reaffirmed that “political lesbianism continues to make intrinsic sense because it reinforces the idea that sexuality is a choice, and we are not destined to a particular fate because of our chromosomes.” as recently as 2009.

The study’s senior researcher said that women’s sexual desire is less rigidly directed toward a particular sex, as compared with men’s, and women’s sexuality is more changeable over time. Men lack of knowledge about women’s sexuality. McCormick states that emotional, mental, and ideological connections between women are as important or more so than the genital stimulation. Women generally exhibit greater sexual fluidity than men and find it easier to become physically and emotionally intimate with the same sex than men do.

I also found research in what is considered attractive in women between lesbian couples VS. that of heterosexual couples.

Men’s shaping of women’s sexuality has proven to have an effect on how lesbians see their own bodies. Studies have shown that heterosexual men and lesbians have different standards for what they consider attractive in women. Lesbians who view themselves with male standards of female beauty may experience lower self-esteem, eating disorders, and higher incidence of depression. Lesbian women are more attracted to women with a higher body mass.

There are also a great deal of research, history, and culture relating Gender Roles and Career Choices with that of being a Lesbian.

Greek stories of the heavens often included a female figure whose virtue and virginity were unspoiled, who pursued more masculine interests, and who was followed by a dedicated group of maidens. Foster cites Camilla and Diana, Artemis and Callisto, and Iphis andIanthe as examples of female mythological figures who showed remarkable devotion to each other, or defied gender expectations. Choosing to be lesbian might be a woman’s choice to defy one’s gender role that is constructed socially as well as culturally.

There are even religious factors that causes women to sexually express themselves more freely to other women.

For ten centuries after the fall of the Roman Empire, lesbianism disappeared from literature. Foster points to the particularly strict view that Eve—representative of all women—caused the downfall of mankind; original sin among women was a particular concern, especially because women were perceived as creating life. During this time, women were largely illiterate and not encouraged to engage in intellectual pursuit, so men were responsible for shaping ideas about sexuality. Lesbianism was the only way that women can truly and freely express themselves, emotionally and sexually, to another person.

I read a book by one of the most famous Social Psychologist in the World as well as one of the most faithful Christian I’ve ever encountered: Dr. David Myers at Hope College. (In fact, I read every book and every paper this person has ever published.)

This following book has made the most impact on my views on gays and lesbians; which one is a choice and which one is not; which one is sinful and which one is not.

“What God Has Joined Together: The Christian Case for Gay Marriage, Myers, D. G. & Scanzoni, Letha Dawson (2005), San Francisco, CA: Harper San Francisco. This is an effort to bridge the divide between marriage-supporting and gay-supporting people of faith, by showing why both sides have important things to say.” Buy the book from amazon.com. (You can read chapters from this book for free on Dr. Myers website.)

“What God Has Joined Together is an effort to bridge the divide between marriage-supporting and gay-supporting people of faith by showing why both sides have important things to say. By affirming marriage for all, What God Has Joined Together concurs with conservatives’ call for marriage renewal and a more marriage-supporting culture. And it concurs with liberals’ affirmation of everyone’s right, regardless of sexual orientation, to seal love with commitment and to participate fully in the church’s life and ministry.”

“With its traditional defense of marriage and its progressive embrace of same-sex relationships, this book cannot be pigeonholed, and that in itself is refreshing.”

Dr. Myers made ten Conclusions:

1. Our Reformed and ever-reforming faith tradition beckons us, with open minds, to discern and reconcile the truth in God’s word and God’s works.

2. All humans have a deep “need to belong,” to connect with others in close, intimate, enduring relationships.

3. As one potent example of such relationships, marriage contributes to flourishing lives—to happier and healthier adults, and thriving children.

4. Toxic forces, especially radical individualism and the media modeling of impulsive sexuality, are corroding marriage and the health of communities.

5. Sexual orientation is a natural (largely biologically influenced) disposition, most clearly so for men.

6. Sexual orientation is also an enduring disposition, which is seldom reversed by willpower, reparative therapy, or ex-gay ministry.

7. Out of 31,103 Bible verses, only seven frequently quoted verses speak directly of same-sex behavior—and often in the context of idolatry, promiscuity, adultery, child exploitation, or violence. We infer that the Bible has nothing to say about an enduring sexual orientation (a modern concept) or about loving, long-term same-sex partnerships. (One of our goals was to familiarize readers with biblical scholarship that offers alternative interpretations to the familiar proof-texts used against gay people.)

8. The creation stories focus on human companionship, on the importance of relationship and the formation of new kinship units (most of which will be heterosexual, but some of which, we now realize, may be gays).

9. A Christian case for gay marriage arises from the human need to belong, from the biblical mandate for justice, from the benefits of a culture-wide norm of monogamy, and from a refutation of popular arguments against gay marriage.

10. Although not part of our argument (and therefore in an appendix) we also note—for those who may wonder how history likely will judge us—that attitudes on this sexual issue are rapidly changing, and becoming more accepting of gay rights and relationships.

Moreover, there is a large generation gap, with most older adults opposing gay marriage and most younger adults supporting it. Given that the forces driving the attitude changes are likely to continue, and given generational succession, it appears that the culture war over gay marriage and gay ordination will gradually be resolved in the years to come, much as were previous culture wars over minority and women’s rights.

So in my simple conclusion, gay homosexuality may definitely be the result of genetic disposition since it is almost never fluid. So for gay people, homosexuality should not be a sin.

But as for some Lesbians who are not genetically programmed that way, if it is a choice and if you are a religious person, you might find the following advices helpful: a time for you to choose a better lover, choose a husband who is your best friend first, choose a more emotionally mature partner, choose a more ardent supporter for you career and your equality at home as well as your ambition, choose a husband with a more androgynous personality, and finally choose someone who want to please you in bed for hours.

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iPhone 5 Replaces All of Your Personal Relationships


SAN FRANCISCO- In a groundbreaking statement issued to press, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the new iPhone will “replace all of your loved ones and cherished relationships.”

The phone and features were announced earlier this week, already prompting some to begin distancing themselves with their loved ones in preparation for the release of the phone later on in September. Read the full story

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Historic Accord Reached in Siblings’ Bitter Territorial Dispute


In major concessions by both sides, boy agrees to stop touching sister’s stuff in exchange for her ceasing to refer to him as “Snot Face.” 

SPOKANE, WA – Negotiators are expressing hopes for a new era of reconciliation and peaceful coexistence between eight-year-old Timmy Martin and his seven-year-old sister Lisa following a landmark agreement that resolved contentious issues of privacy and naming rights which had long divided the strife-torn siblings. Read the full story

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Google’s Latest Translation Device Helps Families Communicate


When you think of Google, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? For millions of Americans, it’s the fact that they didn’t listen to investment advice back in 2004 to buy 500 shares at $45.

But the second thing that comes to mind when you mention Google is this: innovation.

Among Google’s most impressive innovations is Google Translate, which lets you translate a phrase from one language into any of more than sixty other languages – even Latin – which comes in really handy if you’re considering becoming say, the Archbishop of Kent. Read the full story

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Tough Love Forces Florida Man Back to Crime (on TV)


State Road 19, Near Tavares, Fla (GlossyNews) — Local man, Hank Fuller, arrived home last Wednesday and noticed something amiss. As he entered the house he could see his friends, family and at least one priest sitting in every available chair but one placed prominently in the middle of the floor.

“Don’t be alarmed, these are people who care about you and want to help you, now have a seat,“ said mediator and therapist, Dr. Lorena Schlutz. “We are here to help you get over your aversion to the variety of crime dramas on TV that are a main source of entertainment for everyone in America. Read the full story

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