Tag Archive | "death"

90 Year Old On Deathbed Comforted By Family Repeatedly Pointing Out How Old He Is


FT. LAUDERDALE, FLA — 90-year-old Elmer Durzylwood was reportedly at peace in his final hours late last night after his family had spent the entire day repeatedly telling him that he is very old, sources report. Read the full story

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Really Good Hoagie Makes Man Briefly Forget His Inevitable Death


GARY, IN—While eating at his neighborhood Quizno’s Wednesday, local man Gene Lisowski spoke with reporters about the fact that he completely forgot the inescapable reality of his own death while eating a turkey club hoagie.

Lisowski described the sandwich that caused the certitude that he would one day be a lifeless, decomposing vessel to simply slip his mind as “real tasty.” Read the full story

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Study Confirms Every Slight Embarrassment from Middle School to Haunt You on Your Deathbed


COLLEGE PARK, MD—According to a recent study from the University of Maryland, an overwhelming majority of patients on their deathbed were consumed by every single slightly embarrassing or awkward moment from their middle school years.

Highly distraught over each and every fiber of social discomfort during these formative years, individuals who were knowingly nearing the edge of their very existence on this planet could think of little else other than minor gaffes that occurred in front of their peers often decades earlier. Read the full story

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Nutritionist Predicts 80% of Mississippi Population Will Die by 2018


Current statistics show that the people of Mississippi are the fattest in the nation weighing in at an average of 197 lbs. for a 5’8” person. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that their diets play a huge role in just how fat they are. However, it does take a nutritionist, who also happens to be a self-professed clairvoyant, to predict how these numbers will impact the state of Mississippi in the near future. Read the full story

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Man Attributes Good Fortune to Constantly Dreading Next Moment


LEXINGTON, KY—Local resident Darren Windley claims to be able to stave off misfortune by living in constant fear of horrible things happening to him in the immediate future.

Windley says he discovered this phenomenon years ago after going to the grocery store and having never stopped thinking for a moment about the fact that he would certainly be mugged and murdered in the parking lot.

“It didn’t happen,” Windley boasted, “which just shows that [relentlessly anticipating disaster] works.” Read the full story

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‘Serial Killer Supermarket’ Draws Controversy


A Cambodian chain of supermarkets has come up with an ingenious idea to deal with the countries massive population and turn a profit, but the new out of the box idea has been raising a few eyebrows and other facial hair pieces.

You didn’t hear wrong, but you also didn’t hear right. This is an actual thing, and while we’re not sure what it is will certainly not deter us from reporting on it, and ad naseum at that. Just for good measure.

The story is still developing, but it is said that ‘serial killer’ has become the most sort after occupation in Cambodia, people are dying for the opportunity.

See the rest of the story on YouTube, or scroll down for the video.

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Justin Bieber Dead, Reports Twitter User JoshuaDJ22


NEW YORK, NY – Canadian pop-star and school kid Justin Bieber was tragically killed today when a truck driver accidentally ran over the star in downtown New York, reports bored Twitter user @JoshuaDJ22.

In a 120-character post, @JoshuaDJ22 announced that Bieber – singer of hits One Time, One Less Lonely Girl and Baby – was killed shortly after leaving the Island Records office complex this afternoon. Read the full story

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“This Page Intentionally Left Blank”


Boca Raton, Fla. (Wall Street Journal) Malcombe (Mel) Rebbit, inventor and founder of “This Page Intentionally Left Blank,” was found deceased in his car in the Harris Teeter parking lot last Tuesday. Boca Raton police issued a statement that his death appeared to be a suicide.

Rebbit invented and patented “This Page Intentionally Left Blank” in 1976 while working for a vanity press publishing company. Rebbit noticed the confusion and anxiety caused by blank pages appearing in books and pamphlets without explanation.

Some wondered, Rebbit thought, was this blank page a mistake, a printing error, or am I going blind and just can’t see what is written there? Could this missing content have serious consequences for me? Or is this just part of the story, an expression of the author’s nihilistic viewpoint, a statement on the emptiness, the lack of content of existence.

One night, during a particularly disturbing dream involving Buffalo Chicken Wings, chipotle sauce and Barbara Walters, Rebbit had a vision: why not just tell folks outright that we meant to leave the page blank? Just tell them so there will be no question about printing errors, eyesight or existence.

Just Write it right across the blank page: “This Page Intentionally Left Blank.” Rebbit’s invention soon revolutionized blank pages; no more wondering, no more guessing, damn it, we meant to leave it blank.

With the profits from his invention, Rebbit was able to retire and move to Florida and, by all accounts, led a comfortable but quiet life. At least until his body was found in the Harris Teeter parking lot last Tuesday afternoon. Police said that although they found no suicide note, they did find a blank sheet of paper with “This Page Intentionally Left Blank” hand printed across the top.

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World’s Oldest Person dies – Again


Medical experts are scratching their heads as another elderly person has mysteriously passed away this week. Newspapers the world over shared the sad news that the World’s Oldest Person has just died. This is the latest in a rash of similar news stories.

Just last month, Besse Cooper, at the time the World’s Oldest Person, died quietly in her bed at a Monroe, Ga. nursing home. She was a spry 116 years old. Read the full story

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150,000 Feared Dead Following Typical Day


EARTH – An estimated 150,000 people are presumed to have died yesterday in the wake of what experts described as “a fairly typical day” on the planet.

If confirmed, the expected number of fatalities during the latest in a string of typical days would raise the death toll since the dawn of human existence to approximately 108 billion.

Experts also noted that the typical day’s lethality was relatively normal, unmarked by any major life-extinguishing events such as earthquakes, hurricanes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, or airplane crashes. Read the full story

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Leaked Torture Study Truly Unbelievable


What follows is an excerpt from a leaked torture study titled Judicious Use of Cognitive and Physical Trauma to Elicit Psychic Response–By Dr.Gunter Chang. This is not for the feint of heart or the wobbly of knees. Read ahead with this knowledge. Read the full story

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Jackie Chan’s Rush Hour 4 Stalled?


While promoting their newest film Rush Hour 4 in New York City yesterday, Jackie Chan apparently became enraged at Chris Tucker’s self-promotion as the “star” of the franchise and strangled him to death in front of hundreds of shocked on-lookers. Read the full story

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Posted in Entertainment, Talky PicturesComments (3)

Osama’s “24”; Transition to Hell Documented


Anxious to give Hollywood even more in-depth details surrounding the hunt and “sanctioned removal” of Osama Bin Laden, the Obama Administration has unwittingly acknowledged the existence of innovative new technology. Using the Baal2012 SuperComputer leased by StrangleCorp, the government has apparently provided Hollywood with a transcript of Osama’s “Transition to the Netherworld”. Read the full story

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Colorado Cantaloupe Caper Puts Serious Damper on Seniors’ Travels


NEW YORK CITY —GLOSSYNEWS The AARP has publicly called for the immediate, complete and total eradication of cantaloupe farming in Colorado. The state has now admitted to officials that it shipped tens, if not hundreds of thousands of the mountainous, listeria-laced fruit bombs to at least 10 states where the death toll is rising among the elderly. Listeria generally sickens older people—the median age in the recent 4–6 possible deaths is 81. Read the full story

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UK to Smokers: Try #2 Pencils


Cabinet officer says pencil substitution now proven to reduce smoking-related deaths.

LONDON, ENGLAND —GLOSSYNEWS The UK Cabinet Office wants cigarette smokers to start biting on #2 pencils to replace the cigs they are smoking,in order to lower the numbers of deaths caused by smoking disease each year. Read the full story

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Elizabeth Taylor: “Heaven Too Awkward”, After Running Into 5 Ex-Husbands


Modern day journalistic prophets have announced Elizabeth Taylor was in heaven for no more than five minutes before the first complaints rolled in this morning.

Taylor, famous for her feisty temper, charitable nature and a career spanning five decades with a total of eight marriages, claimed “heaven wasn’t meant to be this freaky. If God was the real deal he’d have sent some of these cheating jerks to meet Satan.” Read the full story

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