NEW YORK CITY —GLOSSYNEWS The AARP has publicly called for the immediate, complete and total eradication of cantaloupe farming in Colorado. The state has now admitted to officials that it shipped tens, if not hundreds of thousands of the mountainous, listeria-laced fruit bombs to at least 10 states where the death toll is rising among the elderly. Listeria generally sickens older people—the median age in the recent 4–6 possible deaths is 81. Read the full story

Cabinet officer says pencil substitution now proven to reduce smoking-related deaths.

LONDON, ENGLAND —GLOSSYNEWS The UK Cabinet Office wants cigarette smokers to start biting on #2 pencils to replace the cigs they are smoking,in order to lower the numbers of deaths caused by smoking disease each year. Read the full story

Modern day journalistic prophets have announced Elizabeth Taylor was in heaven for no more than five minutes before the first complaints rolled in this morning.

Taylor, famous for her feisty temper, charitable nature and a career spanning five decades with a total of eight marriages, claimed “heaven wasn’t meant to be this freaky. If God was the real deal he’d have sent some of these cheating jerks to meet Satan.” Read the full story

The debate over whether advance care planning is actually another way to describe death panels is rearing its ugly head again since regulation started January 1st.

The few folks who are still fuzzy on exactly what the intent of the regulation is are claiming that it will cause some folks who are facing some tough decisions, such as whether or not to continue life-sustaining treatment, to just say the heck with it and have their caregivers pull the plug. Read the full story

From Astronomy Daily:

While NASA was trying to get our attention by telling us a Solar Tsunami is nothing to worry about and would only be responsible for bringing the Aurora Borealis further south for viewing, the very fact that the term tsunami was being used should have tipped us off that this was no ordinary magnetic field headed our way. We saw the effects of the tsunami that hit Indonesia and it was not all pink and green ribbons of light. It was death and destruction. If you’re going to use a word like tsunami, you better be ready to back it up with facts, which NASA unfortunately could not. Read the full story

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Brittany Murphy was a hardworking actress who was juggling multiple movie projects in the months leading up to her unexpected death, according to Hollywood sources.

“This is truly a loss,” lamented Norgay Pfifflebother, an expert on homemade celebrity porn who consults for the Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) and the Writer’s Guild of America (WGA). Read the full story

As New Labour’s plan to slash the National Health Service workforce by 10% – from doctors to drudges – encounters caustic criticism, the Department of Ill-Health mandarins switch tracks and are now ordering nursing staff to cut all palliative care of elderly patients and promote a policy of drastic Nazi-era euthenasia to make ends meet. Read the full story