Tag Archive | "constitution"

Support the Troops: US Troops to Be Quartered in Private Homes


WASHINGTON – The Obama Administration announced today its new policy of quartering US troops and domestic security agents in private residences “for the safety of the people in these dangerous times.”

Known as “Support the Troops,” President Obama himself announced the new Executive Order.

“Let me be clear. This is a time of great national danger. The most effective way to stop another 9/11 or Newtown massacre before it starts is to move troops into private homes where they can protect the people right where they live.” Read the full story

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Apple’s iOS 7 to Feature Impressive, Radically Redesigned Glitches


CUPERTINO, CALIF — Apple recently unveiled the new iOS 7 operating system, which CEO Tim Cook is hailing as “the most radical redesign of iOS glitches since the iPhone was invented.”

According to Apple’s VP of Software Engineering, Leonard Umbrage, “Installing iOS 7 on your phone is like getting an entirely new phone, but one with which you’re already completely exasperated. It’s like an old friend with a new drug problem: truly astounding!” Read the full story

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Barack Hussein Obama: Worst “American” Ever?


Sure, there is still healthy debate as to whether or not Barry “the rock” Barack Hussein Osama-Obama is really an American. History will surely judge that. But a bigger question is; is he the worst human being to ever step foot in these great American United States of ours.

Some would argue “no”, but they would also likely be the sorts who would tell you it’s okay for a man to marry a fish, steal guns away from law-abiding citizens, have babies with their fathers, and “live free.” Read the full story

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Egyptian President Says He is “Too Cool for School”


Egypt’s young people are outraged following President Mohammed Morsi’s announcement that he is “Too cool for school.”

Morsi reportedly made the declaration before a crowd of fifth graders during a school visit in the Cairo suburbs meant to promote Egypt’s new constitution.

As the students reeled in surprise, the president proceeded to don a sombrero and dance out of the building while waving the peace sign. Read the full story

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Frustrated Voter Questions Paul Ryan’s Birth


Frustrated voter Dixon Notch of Plainville, Ohio has raised a complaint about Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan.

“I’ve got a problem with Mitt Romney’s pick of Paul Ryan,” said Notch. “It’s not Ryan’s right-wing conservative views on things like abortion and gay marriage that bother me or even his far right budget proposal comprising tax cuts for the rich and benefit cuts for everyone else. Heck, I can even accept that he’s a stupidly big fan of Ayn Rand.” Read the full story

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Glenn Beck Online University Institutes Dress Code


COLORADO CITY, Arizona (GlossyNews) — Glenn Beck University was begun earlier this year by Glenn Beck following his receiving an honorary doctorate from fundamentalist Christian-led Liberty University.

Beck now believes he is qualified to offer college-level courses in American History, Economics and the Constitution, and does so under the guise of calling his courses Faith, Hope and Charity. It is, for Beck, a noble cause. He is single-handedly teaching the “truth” to anyone who will listen. Read the full story

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Palin Truths Rile Up Political Base Again


Recently, on the Bill O’Reilly Show, Sarah Palin made this statement “American Law Should Be Based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.” It is not enough that the founding fathers saw fit to make God a part of their decision-making process when crafting this country’s laws, Palin believes that the laws of this country should be based in the belief system of one faith only, the Judeo-Christian faith. Read the full story

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Obama to Nominate Oprah to Supreme Court


Washington DC (GlossyNews) — In a surprise move President Obama is set to nominate media mogul Oprah Winfrey to fill the Supreme Court vacancy created by retiring Justice John Paul Stevens.

According to sources Winfrey will continue starring in her popular television show while serving on the court, and there is no change in her plan to launch new cable tv programming next year.

“With her new cable show airing at night, she’ll have more flexibility in her schedule,” said a senior administration official. “There will be a transition period, but she’s a superstar who can multitask.” Read the full story

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Healthcare Bill ‘deemed’ Passed in House – Yea or Nay Obsolete?


Washington DC (GlossyNews) — The U.S. House of Representatives passed the America’s Affordable Health Care Choices Act–without ever voting on it. With votes for passage of the bill in short supply, the House Democratic majority simply “deemed” the contentious bill as already having been passed, without any members having to go on record as actually having voted for it.

“Thanks to Democratic legislative ingenuity, affordable health care for all will soon be the law of the land,” exulted Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “The days of votist obstructionism are over: ‘Yea or Nay’ is a thing of the past. Cap and Trade, here we come!” Read the full story

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Supreme Court Rules Constitution Unconstitutional


Washington, D.C. (GlossyNews) — What began as a commemorative event to honor the exhibition of an original copy of the United States Constitution at the new Capitol Visitor Center, quickly escalated to an impromptu ruling by the Supreme Court that the Constitution is, in fact, unconstitutional. The unanimous ruling came down after several justices haddared one another to read the document. Read the full story

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NRA Pushes For Personal Atom Bomb For Every American


The National Rifle Association unleashed its new campaign to allow all American citizens “their God-given rights to own an atom bomb!” The public is being bombarded with television, newspaper, movie and billboard ads pushing the new ‘right’ that the NRA feels should be passed through Congress. Already the Fox News channel has picked up the baton and is aggressively pushing for legalization of individual possession. Read the full story

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Hey Rush: I’ve Got Some Satire I Wanna Sell You


What do you do when you’ve been outed on national radio trying once again to dish dirty lies about the President? If you’re Rush Limbaugh, you make up some half-assed excuse why you’re not a complete dumb ass for falling for yet another hoax. Seems Rush picked up on a story reporting that back in college, Obama wrote a thesis paper entitled “Aristocracy Reborn” that basically dissed the Constitution. NY Daily News has the whole story. Read the full story

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Posted in Books, Newspapers & Misc, TelevisionComments (12)

Congress Places Bill of Rights Up for Auction on eBay


Washington, DC (BSNE): Amid much fanfare, Congressional leaders from both parties announced a new series of aggressive raise revenues to off set the skyrocketing Federal Budget Deficit. At the top of the Initiative is to offer the Bill of Rights for sale to interested parties on eBay. Read the full story

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