Tag Archive | "birth control"

Texas GOP Passes Bill Forcing Men to Have Pre-Vasectomy Sonograms


In a surprising upset for gender equality groups, the Texas GOP passed a bill requiring men to have sonograms prior to receiving vasectomies.

This includes a three-day waiting period before going through with this “unGodly” procedure of “tearing asunder what God joined together [at birth,]” specifically one’s nutsack, according to head of the Texas GOP Chief Biblical Scholar Chick “Goober” Pease. Read the full story

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How Condoms are Really Used (Home School Video)


Condoms are funny because they are balloons guys put on their wieners, but they’re also deadly serious.

They can be the thin blue shield between you and HIV, but they also come in purple as well as they purple-in the… well, you know.

The problem is that red states, specifically home schoolers, don’t get safe sex education. They have higher rates of sexually transmitted outbreaks, higher teen pregnancy, and it also feels better for teens who don’t deserve it. Read the full story

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Vatican Wafer Gate


Wikileaks has done it again. The release of 3.4 billion database searchable electronic records is reverberating around the Internet with many new stunning revelations.

The latest to be revealed is a series of directives between the US and the Vatican. In what appears to be a quid pro quo, it appears that a deal was struck whereby the Justice Department would “be soft” in prosecuting abusive priests and let the church deal with them in return for letting a GMO ingredient into their communion wafer.

This was only for North American Catholic churches and began during the millennium crisis. Read the full story

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Angry Liberals Vow to Open New Chain of Stores Called ‘Snobby Lobby’


Boston – Liberals are seething over the Supreme Court decision which allows Hobby Lobby to not have to offer certain birth control products which they believe induce abortions and which violate their religious beliefs.

Hateful people took to twitter after the decision was announced and threatened to “burn down Hobby Lobby stores across the country.” Read the full story

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Ted Cruz, Mike Lee Propose “Marriage Only for the Fertile”


Ted Cruz (R-TX) and Mike Lee (R-UT) introduced legislation to ban all marriages and nullify all existing marriages in which the couple cannot conceive or chooses to be childless for any reason.

“Marriage is only for procreation. If a couple is going to get married and not have children so they can live some liberal free love lifestyle then it is an insult to the sanctity of marriage,” said Lee. Read the full story

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NRA Slams Birth Control: “We Must Fight Semen With Semen”


WASHINGTON — In a prepared statement, the Neonatal Responsibility Association (NRA) announced their official stance on the highly contested birth control debate.

According to the statement, the NRA argues that “any attempt to infringe on a woman’s right to bear arms – or legs or little teeny tiny torsos or any other fetal parts – in her womb is unconstitutional. Whether it’s the government, the woman’s partner or the woman herself, birth control is just not the American way.” Read the full story

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White Woman Claims Watching 3D Film Made Her Pregnant w/ Black Child


Fort Bragg, NC – (SatireWorld.com) – A white American couple gave birth to black baby boy in August at the Army hospital located in the sprawling Fort Bragg complex. The very surprised woman claimed she had become pregnant while watching a 3-D porno movie.

The child’s equally surprised father James Francis, a soldier who had been away for a year serving on a military base in Afghanistan, found the black baby at home when his unit cycled back to Fort Bragg in late October. Read the full story

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Father of 30 Requests, Gets, Break on Child Support


A 33 year old Knoxville, Tennessee man has asked a judge there to ‘give him a break’ in paying his alimony to 11 women with whom he has fathered 30 children (This is true). Desmond Hatchett, who works a minimum wage job, says life is difficult for him because he pays half of his already miniscule salary to the unmarried women who bore his migrating sperm to fruition. Read the full story

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Santorum gets suicidal over teleprompters


GOPTEA™ CAMPAIGN TRAIL —GlossyNews Listening to Rick Santorum speak is like listening to him arguing with himself. He keeps arguing and arguing until he realizes he has won. Then he smiles a cheshire cat smile of a grin, and makes a note of his win. Read the full story

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News of Cheap, Effective Contraceptive has Women Applauding Santorum Supporter


The news out of Michigan this morning is that not all women in America are angry at Santorum financial backer, Foster Friess for stating that a safe and effective form of birth control for women is a simple aspirin placed between the knees.

Women were lined up at pharmacies around the country buying up every aspirin tablet they could get their hands on and pharmacists were inundated with questions such as “Will BC Powder work just as effectively if I sprinkle some between my…uhm, legs?” Read the full story

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Posted in HealthComments (2)

Valentine’s Day Condom Heists Puzzle Store Owners


Multiple stores across the nation are just now reporting a significant increase in stolen condoms the week before Valentine’s Day. When asked for comment on the increase in theft, one store owner had this to say:

“I understand the motivation, but I’m not sure the people stealing these condoms completely understand Valentine’s Day. Is it supposed to be romantic. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like sex with a stolen condom.” Read the full story

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Census Results Say ‘Those People’ Now a Majority


The 2010 Census results continue to be compiled by the world’s leading demographers and statisticians. Aiding in the research is the latest advance in super computer technology, developed in a joint effort between NASA and IBM.

Considered a quantum leap in computing speed, the Kinetic Intelligence Logarithm Re-Ordering Yin-Yang super computer is said to have a processing speed of 14 giga-tera bytes per nanosecond. Read the full story

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Mitre Spins as Vatican Does Safety Dance U-Turn


The mother Church of Christendom was roiled this week by excerpts from a new book by Pope Benedict LVMCIII. The book, “Because I said So” has stirred controversy due to several passages wherein the Pontiff clarifies condom use.

Somewhere in chapter XVII of the lengthy tome, Benedict writes the following: Read the full story

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Health Alert: Defective, Dangerous, “Suspiciously Snug” Chinese Condoms Recalled


After reading this story, there will be true dilemmas playing out all over America–in bedrooms, on living room couches, in the back seat of daddy’s sedan or Tiger Woods’ Escalade—do I or don’t I take a chance with that pack of rubbers I just bought in bulk at Sam’s Club and the Dollar Store?

That’s right, yet another “Made in China” product has copulators all over America scrambling to their nearest Rx Center for more expensive Read the full story

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World’s First Pregnant Man Opts for Abortion


Berlin (GlossyNews) — The first man to be able to successfully conceive, carry and naturally deliver a child, announced today that he will have an abortion, four months in to his pregnancy. Abel Boustard, 27, from the small town of Arad in western Romania said he realized that he was not prepared for the demands of fatherhood.

“It all seemed so cool in the beginning,” Read the full story

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Posted in Science & TechnologizzyComments (1)

NBA Hard Pressed To Find Player To Hawk New Condom Line


The National Basketball Association has just introduced its latest merchandising scam, …er…, product line – assorted condoms denoting all the professional American basketball teams. Each condom is colored with a team logo.

“With these babies you can really tell if the wearer has team spirit or not!” states NBA Merchandising Agent Hard Forsports. “There’s no mistaking your loyalties here!” Read the full story

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