Widely respected political hipster and relentlessly-resentless SNP politician Alex Salmond has recently performed a valiant act of radical political performance theatre, with his “behave yourself, woman!”
However, the disreputable Anglo-Saxon media have maliciously censored Salmond, denying him a platform to clarify what he really meant about his critics “not understanding Scottish culture.”
So, out of some entirely non-chauvinistic Celtic solidarity, I’m giving our Ally Allie an opportunity to apologise.
Or at least, an opportunity for “apologism.”
Aye now listen here. I’m going to give you a few examples of how the English media don’t understand Scottish culture and our customary jests and banter.
The other day there was a wee intern who was making a hell of a din, and I towl him “Oh houl’ yer wheesht, ye wee faggie, would ye?”
And now, given the deliberate and malicious bias of the English media against my party, and more importantly against me in particular, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they were going to call that one a “homophobic” comment.
Well, obviously this is purely rooted in the bigoted English assumption that any time anyone to the north of Hadrian’s wall says something vaguely resembling an English word, they must mean precisely what a Britisher would mean by it. Whether it’s “behave yourself, woman,” or “houl’ yer wheesht, ye wee faggie.”
Now listen you here and don’t interrupt me, now! When us people say “ye wee faggie,” it doesn’t mean that homosexuals aren’t allowed in politics. I mean, it’s just like when I always say to my colleagues, “Ye straighty wee divvil, ye!” or “Ye silly oul’ heterish!”
But of course, it’s too much to expect the bigoted Anglo-Saxon media to understand that.
Or what if we had an Afro-Caribbean member? If I call my friend “Blacky,” it’s not like calling him an “N-word” or none o’ that, it’s just purely to have a wee bit of a lively debate, and to humorously express our solidarity and comradeship.
Again, you have to understand that in Scotland, if you want to be really antisemitic, you have to say something really really nasty, like the K-word or something like yon. But if you want some traditional Celtic banter, you just ask the boy, “Can ye buy us the next round? I hear you and your lads are not short of a bob these days.”
I mean, you have to understand, this is how we grew up. People in Scotland, we’re used to speaking like this all the time. It’s not malicious, it’s just a wee bit of fun, you know. Nobody takes it amiss.
Well, that said, there’s always going to be some sad-faced, Stalinistic, oversensitive bigots who overreact to perceived slights, real or imagined, and get really worked up about it.
But that’s the way the cookie crumbles, lad, isn’t it? Are we supposed to just spend our whole lives eavesdropping for the merest insult or slightest sign of disrespect?
…
Well, I hope you’re transcribing this here good and proper, now.
Hmph. What kind of handwriting is that?
Ah. You’re dyspraxic, maybe.
Or dyslexic.
Ah well, same difference. Can’t keep track of all that now.
Aye, I thought ye were a bit special the moment I saw ye stagger in there.
…
No offence intended, of course.