TEXARKANA, Texas (GlossyNews) — Melvin, or Mel, Gibson, a 75-year-old redneck from Rockdale, Texas, stood on the corner of Cameron Ave and Main this morning. He was dressed in the requisite T-shirt and stained khaki work pants and holding a battered and half nude 72-year-old Dorinda, his wife of 50 years, by the hair while he screamed racist comments at the top of his lungs.

As a Sheriff’s Deputy drove by, slowing down for a group of vultures eating a dead something-or-other in the middle of the road, Mel hollered that a pack of wild niggers was going to attack Dorinda for wearing a pink bra. Then he screamed and yelled about how the Jews were taking over the world, followed by something or other about Mexicans, loose women, the Gov’ment then Homos. Read the full story

The Catholic Church today rejected the Republican Party’s attempt to have Ronald Reagan canonized as a saint. The Republicans have been striving for some time to win over the Church to their viewpoint of Reagan as being divine, but the Catholics have rejected their proposal on the following grounds:

A. Reagan was not a Catholic. Everyone knows that only Catholics can be saints. Read the full story

Actor Blaine Thornton passed away this week at his home in San Diego, California. He was 91. Mr. Thornton will long be remembered as one of the major stars in early television, but only by his immediate family.

A child star, Blaine first found the silver screen in Hal Roach’s ill-fated spinoff to the “Our Gang” franchise, “Buckwheat’s Posse.” Read the full story