Tag Archive | "2012 elections"

Republicans Wish Democrats Would Stop Smiling

WASHINGTON – With the 2012 U.S. election now nearly a week old, Republican politicians are beginning to wonder how long it will take for their Democratic rivals to wipe the shit-eating grins off their faces and return to normal.

“It was understandable the first day or two after the election,” said Rep. Joe Barton (R-Tex.), “but now it’s starting to get kind of annoying.”

“Right, okay. We get it already. You’re happy,” noted Rep. Walter Jones (R-N.C.). “Now get over it, and let our Republican Congressional majority start making you miserable again.” Read the full story


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Bargis Tryhol Presidential Election Battle Successful on 50 State Ballots

Miami, Florida- Newbie Presidential candidate Bargis Tryhol, who narrowly missed his 2008 presidential qualification window, is now on every state’s Presidential Ballot and is running as a ‘Do Your Own Thing’ candidate.

Tryhol announced today that he has created his first piece of Presidential legislation in hopes of curbing the spiraling US debt. Tryhol, if successful in his run for President, hopes to place the bill before the Senate Leaders some time after inaguruation day. Read the full story


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Re-electing Barack Obama is a Real Problem for Americans

Washington, DC (SatireWorld.com) – During the hot days of summer, and even hotter presidential race political statements, the foray of barbs, lies, slander and innuendo fly as thick as gnats on a sticky summer’s evening.

Perhaps the funniest is the recent remarks fielded by political hack David Axlerod claiming Barack Obama has maintained a steady-hand at guiding the country through perilous economic times. Read the full story


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Mitt Ryan Picks Paul Romney for VP; and a Political Bromance Blossoms

In one of the most romantic scenes since Gosling kissed McAdams in the rain, former governor Mitt Romney of Massachusetts offered Congressman Paul Ryan of Wisconsin his hand in political matrimony.

Not only did Governor Romney offer Ryan a place at his side, he solidified his commitment by offering his name too. Congressman Ryan was so overwhelmed by the gesture, that he immediately did the same. Read the full story


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Point-Counterpoint: Thank You for Paul Ryan

Today we bring together our favorite resident moon-bat and wing-nut to talk up the latest in political news.

This week it’s the selection of congressman Paul Ryan as the vice-presidential candidate under Mitt Romney, and for once, we may have reached an across-the-aisle consensus.

Armand Periwinkle for the Republicans:

My words to Mitt Romney and God almighty; thank you for Paul Ryan.

This man is young, handsome, energetic and has a vision the will balance the budget, pay off the deficit and restore America to what it was back when I liked it better.

He’ll also bring in a fresh wave of campaign contributions and energize voters to turnout on election night, so I can sit back and enjoy my popcorn.

He’ll strengthen the defense of our great nation, crack down on immigrants and push hard for the wholesome family values republicans are known for.

Mitt Romney couldn’t have made a better pick. Todd, over to you.

Todd Hemp for the Democrats:

Well my words to Mitt Romney and God almighty is also; thank you for Paul Ryan.

He may be as dashing as Sarah Palin, but he’s just as poison to the moderates. I agree he’ll drive donations and turn out a lot of voters, but he’s going to do both of those things for Obama too. The guy is just too nuts for the left, or even the center, with his ultra-conservative fiscal and social policies.

His plan won’t cut the deficit or balance the budget. Not until 2040, and that’s assuming unemployment drops to 3% and stays there for 28-years, which has never happened once before, let alone for a prolonged period.

Romney has 20-times as much money as Obama, but no more employees. Cash for the wealthy doesn’t equal job creation unless you count Rentboys.

Americans don’t want more money wasted on the bloated defense budget, or a crack down on legal immigration, or a suppression of women’s rights, and that’s going to cause him problems. He wants to dismantle social programs including Medicare, and that’s going to lose him the reliably republican senior citizen voting block. The attack ads are already running.

His budget slashes everything but defense and gives the cash-hoarders trillions in tax cuts. That’s trickle-down economics and eight-years of Bush proved that doesn’t create jobs, economic stimulation, or any benefit this side of the Cayman Islands.

I have to agree that Mitt Romney couldn’t have made a better pick, but I suspect it’s because everyone better than him was offered the spot and said ‘no.’

If this is the best Mitt Romney can do, he’s in a world of hurt.

Armand, you’re rebuttal?

Armand Periwinkle for the Republicans:

Todd, you’re a real dick, you know that? Your rebuttal?

Todd Hemp for the Democrats:

Am, am I supposed to answer that?

That’s all the time we have this week. Join us again next week for Point-Counterpoint and until then, this is news.


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GOP Eyes Watson the Computer as Front-Runner Candidate for 2012 Election

Last month, the nation was introduced to the world’s smartest computer: the IBM Watson. Watson is an example of the incredible strides made in artificial intelligence (A.I.). With four terabytes of storage capacity, including all of Wikipedia. Watson knows the answer to virtually any question, from Lady Macbeth to Lady Gaga. Read the full story


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Students Rejoice at Permission to Call Professor Obama by First Name

AMERICA—Young people across the country got warm and fuzzy on Friday when Professor Barack Obama signed a class-wide email “Barack.” With the email, students now have unofficial but presumptive license to address Professor Obama by his first name. Read the full story


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Elway-Manning for America 2012

Area man Peyton Manning had just gotten laid off from work. Within 48 hours, he knew what he had to do. He hopped on a plane and headed to Denver. John Elway, Broncos exec, was waiting for him.

“Sorry about your neck, fella,” John commiserated, in his signature Fred Thompson croak. With four surgeries to his neck, Peyton had been seriously laid up for the first time in his working life. The neck stuck him on the sideline with $23 million in workers comp. Now, used goods for the old boss, he was on the street. Read the full story


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Recent Poll Results Indicate 37% of Americans Would Not Vote for a Moron

Ever since Mitt Romney announced his bid for the GOP nomination for President in 2012, America has been embroiled in a controversy, i.e. whether a Moron could actually become President of the United States.

And now, another Moron has launched his candidacy. Former Utah Governor, Jon Huntsman, Jr. announced this week that he will travel the high road in his quest to become the GOP frontrunner for President. Read the full story


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Can Newt Gingrich Stay Out of Trouble with Bachmann and Palin in GOP Race

In order for Newt Gingrich to be able to compete in a widening field of candidates for the GOP Presidential nomination, he’s had to come clean about his past womanizing. While no one is really buying his excuse that his passion for his country led him to act inappropriately at times, that very passion may just be his downfall again if Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin continue their individual quests for the same nomination. Read the full story


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GOP Opposes Jesus’ 2012 Presidential Campaign

KANSAS CITY, MO (GlossyNews) — Jesus Christ announced today that he is throwing his halo in the ring as a contender for the 2012 presidential race. Rather than commencing with the long-awaited Second Coming, the Big Three decided that He could generate greater outreach through politics.

He referred to Barack Obama’s success as His inspiration. After American voters, in defiance of history, accomplished the seemingly impossible task of electing a black president, organizers for the “Christ 2012 – It’s Not the End of the World” campaign also thought they could pull off a miracle by getting a notoriously ethical man nominated to the highest office in the land. Read the full story


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Bush/Cheney 2012 – The Next Generation

Dick Cheney is said to be planning a not-so-surprise comeback for the 2012 presidential election, and he’s doing it this time vicariously through his daughter, Liz Cheney. Due to his dissatisfaction with the way the conservative party has so far been running (or not running) things, Cheney has again decided that the only way to get things back on track is to re-infuse some pure Cheney/Bush blood into the race. Read the full story


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“King” Rupert Murdoch — Australia’s Revenge On America

An incredible subversive plot has been uncovered in America that could erode the very foundations of our democracy.

Angered over the U.S.’s alleged covert interference with their politics in the ousting of Prime Minister Gough Whitlam in 1975, Australia has hatched an incredible, long term plot to bring the giant nation down.

Spearheaded and personally put into action by super Australian newspaper magnet Rupert Murdoch, the Aussies concocted a plot that hit directly at America’s Achilles heel- our political naivety. Their devious plan was to create a media empire that would wave the American flag and pretend to be super patriots, but in reality convolute America politics to such an extent that it would be the basis for setting up a right wing dictatorship. Read the full story


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GOP Expects Death Star Fully Operational Prior to 2012 Elections

Hard-core Republicans, also known in some circles as the ‘Evil Empire’, plan to have their Death Star fully operational by the 2012 election.

The Death Star, which is believed to have the capacity to neutralize the minds of an entire planet, was adopted from designs stolen from George Lucas’s studios ans used by Vladimir Putin in his successful takeover of Russia in the late 1900s. Read the full story


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