Jap Granny Set to Kung Fu Chop Competition

A 94-years-old Japanese widow and grandmother of six is hoping to beat George Foreman’s record as the oldest fighter to win a World Boxing Association title. Miko Kamikaze, since ‘coming out’ and declaring her FemDom lesbian sexual orientation at the age of 85 is now trying to become the oldest world champion at 94 – several years older than George Foreman was for his heavyweight belt.

Ms. Kamikaze has already become Japan’s oldest professional boxer after turning pro last year and juggles training with making blancmange and jello for her grand-children and knitting sparring gloves out of carbon-friendly dried seaweed.

The Niigata-based granny gets up early every morning to jog ten miles, makes lunch for her grand-daughters, then strangles a couple of chickens for the family dinner before heading off to the gym to train and beat the shit out of her Yakuza thug sparring partners.

Ms. K’ had been due to fight the Mexican Amazon pugilist, Porcina Burrito, aged 29, for the world super-flyweight championship in April, but the bout – scheduled to be fought at Acapulco’s Mean Bean Sports Arena – was cancelled by the World Boxing Council after Burrito came down with swine flu and developed Grunt’s Syndrome in her left trotter.

However breaking Foreman’s record of being the ‘world’s oldest git’ to win a championship title is not the main motivation for Ms. Kamikaze. Instead she has her eyes focused on the world super-flyweight belt.

Kazumi Izaki at 45 is much too young to get in on the action, though she does have very strong, petite features, and is a lifelong user of Pearl Cream.
Kazumi Izaki at 45 is much too young to get in on the action, though she does have very strong, petite features, and is a lifelong user of Pearl Cream.
“I do feel ambitious to go for the belt,” she says with a fierce ass-kicking feminist determination shining in her eyes.

“It’s not so much going for the record for my age, it’s because I want to wear that belt around my waist when I walk into Sappho’s Strapon Bar to see my girlfriends, dressed in my black leather crotchless bustier and six inch heels.”

Ms. Kamikaze, a former botanical companion hydrator, first became interested in boxing after two scallies attempted to mug her on Tokyo’s Metro subway in 2001 and all she had to defend herself with was a pair of nunchakas, a firewood hatchet and a 9mm automatic pistol.

She took up boxing after the police confiscated her handbag’s weapons cache and was quickly tagged with the deserved soubriquet of the ‘Niigata Ninja’ for her Samurai style ‘drawn and quartered’ treatment of the subway muggers.

Paradoxically she admits she cried the first time she hit another woman in the boxing ring but claims she’s toughened up considerably since then.

Ironically, she still maintains she doesn’t really like hitting other women – unless it’s in a sexy session of BD/SM lesbian domination spanking.

Author: Rusty

Rusty's Skewed News Views are spoof publications, fired by the ironies of human nature and tempered with elements of satire and parody, and should not, therefore, be taken too seriously. These are inspired by traveling around the Earth more times than Skylab and composed while observing the inherent idiocies of Mankind. Thus lawyers be duly advised : All libel writs issued on behalf of offended humourless ego's and / or those blighted by unqualified arrogance herein lampooned may be addressed to : Rusty the Boddington's Badger, Igloo 27, Pasquinade Gardens, Penguin Parade, Ross Ice Shelf, Antarctica - or via TheSatireStall.Blogspot.com