This scene was captured by one of our authors last week, but we can’t publish it under her name because she was subsequently disqualified for using performance enhancing substances. We will still publish it, but we can’t give her credit, and our thanks to Roger Freed for picking up the torch where she passed out, even if he didn’t edit the text for length, readability or any sort of journalistic integrity.
SCENE: Civic Hospital, Vanouver BC
TIME: The 2010 Winter Olympic Games
The emergency telephone rings.
Nurse: Vancouver General.
Voice on phone: Ambulance 253 here! We’re bringing in a code 5. Six patients in all.
Nurse: What? Yet another! Who is it this time?
Ambulance: It’s members of the Peruvian Bobsled team. They’ve apparently overdosed on the Officially Sponsored Olympic soft drink.
Doctor comes in and overhears conversation.
Nurse: I don’t believe it! That’s the fourth case today and it isn’t even noon!
Doctor: Who were the other three?
Nurse: At 5 AM the Lithuanian Ice Square Dancing team called in all claiming stomach cramps from eating Officially Sponsored Olympic candy bars. Then at 8:15 four members of the Angolan Muskox Riding team were admitted with severe skin rashes from wearing Officially Sponsored Olympic jock straps. At 10:00 they brought in a couple from the Ukrainian Toboggan team complaining of foot pains from wearing Officially Sponsored Olympic snow boots.
Doctor: This is like a plague!
Telephone rings.
Nurse: Vancouver General. (listens, then speaks to Doctor) It’s the Jordanian Snow Ball Throwing group. A number of them are down from eating too many Officially Sponsored frozen pizzas. It seems like they didn’t know they were supposed to thaw them first.
Doctor: Tell them each to take two aspirins and call me in the morning. My God! People are dropping like flies! How are we to keep up if it keeps on going like this? This whole business of having “Official Sponsors” has gotten out of hand! One could tell there was corruption involved when when someone came up with an “Officially Sponsored” cigarette!
Telephone rings.
Nurse: Vancouver General. Yes? Oh, Heavens!
Doctor: What is it?
Nurse: The entire Outer Mongolian Yak Racing team is dead.
Doctor: What happened?
Nurse: Their coach put them all on a strict diet of nothing but Officially Sponsored foods and their intestines seized up!
Doctor: That does it! Get me the head of the Olympic Committee!
Nurse: (Dials telephone, talks into it shortly, then hands it to the doctor.) Here he is.
Doctor: Hello, this is Doctor Gunther from Vancouver General. We are getting swamped here with people getting sick from all these so-called “Official Olympic” things. It’s bad enough we’re having all the normal accidents that occur at the Olympics, but now we are getting all this weird stuff too. It even happened that one of the torch runners exploded because all he got to drink along the way was “Officially Sponsored” soda.
Official: I don’t like it any more than you do! These big companies practically own the Olympics now. This garbage they are pushing is making headaches for us too. The runners keep tripping up because of all the “Official” chewing gum on the track. The Arab teams are up in arms because the only “Official” meat is bacon. The Japanese are humiliated because the “Official” line of sports clothing is from an American firm and they can only fit into the children’s sizes. There are even pushers hanging around the front gates selling what they claim to be the “Official Olympic’ drugs!
Doctor: Good heavens! Is there no answer?
Official: Listen, there is something you can do. We can grant you two million dollars in subsidy money if you let us put up signs saying that your hospital is the Official Olympic Hospital…
Doctor: NO! THIS IS NOT A CHEAP DEPARTMENT STORE!!! Next thing you know you will want to put advertising in the ambulances!
Official: Now there is an idea!
Doctor: (Angrily hangs up) Incredible!
Nurse: Another strange part of it is that one of the major sponsors of the games is the world’s largest soft drink companies whose office for all Canada is here in Vancouver. They have so much control of the market and are in so tight with the government that no one dares even whisper the name of one their competitors.
Doctor: Oh, I haven’t the pep for this.
Nurse: DON’T SAY THAT!
Doctor: This certainly isn’t anything to make one feel sprite about!
Nurse: DON’T SAY THAT EITHER!
Doctor: OK, OK! Tell me, is Dr. Pepper in today?
Nurse: PLEEEAASSEE!!!
Doctor: This is really a lot of bull!
Nurse: That you can say as long as you don’t say “Red” before it!
Journalistic integrity? What’s that?