Breaking: Genealogy Site Proves Link Between Suarez and Dr. Lecter

In a recent shocking turn of events the well-known genealogy site has reported that they have uncovered an indisputable link between Uruguayan striker Luis Suarez and Dr. Hannibal Lecter, a man previously thought to be a fictional cannibal.

“Initially we thought we had bitten off more than we could chew,” commented CEO Tim Sullivan. “We weren’t looking to sink our teeth into something this newsworthy but in the end it’s a discovery we’re excited to have made.”

Sullivan went on to say that his suspicions as to the lineage of Suarez were first aroused in 2010 when the latter was suspended for seven matches for biting Otman Bakkal during a match between PSV and Ajax in the Dutch Eridivisie. Bakkal, an African-American, was bitten in the neck by Suarez during what appeared to be an on-field confrontation.

Suarez bites Bakkal

“Honestly, at the time, Count Chocula seemed a more likely starting point,” said Sullivan.

Count Chocula

“Due to the nature of the attack as well as the obvious hue of Bakkal’s skin, we could only assume that Suarez’s blood-line began with the vampire who possesses a nearly insatiable lust for brown treats. It wasn’t until recently that we started to consider Dr. Lecter.”

The seemingly fictional cannibal was brought to the fore in 2013, when Suarez struck again, however this time he bit the arm of Chelsea defender Branislav Ivanovic. He went on to make racially derogatory comments toward Manchester United defender Patrice Evra, who happens to be an African-American.

Though the resemblance to the Count is uncanny, this “double-whammy” got analysts at thinking about someone else with a taste for human flesh: Hollywood savage, Dr. Lecter.

“We at Ancestry were a little hesitant to dedicate funds towards this initiative,” commented CFO Howard Hochhauser. “Looking for a genealogical link to a fictional character is historically a fool’s errand.”

Hochhauser claims that he was persuaded by Suarez’s most recent bite to the shoulder of Italian defender Georgio Chiellini on June 24, 2014, in a World Cup group stage match. He said that it was then that he gave his team the go-ahead to dig for evidence of not only Dr. Lecter’s existence, but his link to the soccer star.

The search paid immediate dividends, with analysts finding strong evidence that Dr. Lecter was not only real, but in fact living in exile on a farm in Montevideo, the Uruguayan capital, located a mere 260 miles from Suarez’s birthplace of Salto. However, when the team arrived at the small farm they were ushered away by Lecter’s wife of 30 years, who also happens to be Suarez’s mother.


“Mi dispiace per lui,” winced Chiellini, as he received stitches in his shoulder. “Non so nemmeno credo di gusto che buona,” which according to our experts, translates to, “I feel sorry for him, I don’t even think I taste that good.”

I traveled to Merseyside, UK, where Suarez currently resides as a player for Liverpool FC, in search of a comment from the man himself about his repeated biting incidents and his dubious family history. However, when I finally caught up with him he declined to comment because his mouth was full… of his son’s leg.

Author: Price Krispy

Retired professional athlete, purveyor of chuckles and the occasional dirty joke. Cultural mutt, social anomaly."> and">