In news which may come as a huge shock to frequent flyers in the United States, Leanne Ackerman, 28, was somehow accidentally impregnated by a TSA agent of the same gender during an enhanced security pat-down, popularly known as the ‘TSA Grope’.
“It’s the only way I could have become pregnant, really,” Ms. Ackerman said, breastfeeding her two-month-old son during our interview.
“The woman obviously didn’t change her gloves between me and the last passenger she examined like she’s supposed to, or she engaged in some sexual act with one of her male colleagues while wearing them, so when she thrust her fingers into my vajayjay multiple times, she must have carried sperm into it from those gloves. I mean, I’ve never had a partner and I’m still a virgin, so I couldn’t have become pregnant any other way.”
With Ms. Ackerman’s permission, I interviewed her ob/gyn, who confirmed her story.
“Yes, it’s true,” Dr. James Braddock said in answer to my question. “When I examined Ms. Ackerman for the first time during her sixteenth week of pregnancy, I was able to see how small her vagina was, clearly showing that it had never been penetrated by anything as large as a penis. This confirmed for me her claim that she has never engaged in sexual intercourse with a man, nor used certain toys.”
All in all, the message is clear. If you have a young daughter who is going through precocious puberty, do not fly anywhere in America. You really don’t want your two-year-old to be impregnated by this TSA agent with unsanitary habits.
@ Benjamin Cain: I actually found an article similar to mine since writing it that went on the sort of direction you’re talking about, and it really wasn’t nearly as funny. I believe it’s the plausibility of my premise that creates the humour, and which might also help to end security theatre that only allows the terrorists to win.
The premise of this article is hilarious. I was expecting a more exaggerated, fantastic follow-through, but the article’s explanation of how the pregnancy happens is actually quite plausible. That is, I was expecting the pregnancy would happen because the TSA pat-downs are somehow supernaturally thorough and intrusive. I wonder if this article would have been even funnier if its explanation of the pregnancy were more ludicrous and less realistic.