Woman Seeks “Unconscious Uncoupling” from Comatose Husband

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In May of 2010, Jerry Gilbertson of the L.A. Area suffered a severe balloon animal accident that ruptured a cerebral artery and put him in a coma. Nearly four years later, Jerry’s wife Deborah has become fed up and decided to go forward with an “unconscious uncoupling” from her husband.

“Jerry’s grown distant these past four years,” says Deborah, 44. “When I visit him in the hospital, he doesn’t look at me or acknowledge me in any way—it’s like I’m not even there. Plus, the sex is only so-so.”

Unconscious uncoupling—Hollywood’s latest brand of marriage dissolution—can help a conscious spouse and unconscious spouse separate without feelings of guilt or abandonment. In theory, two comatose spouses may also opt for unconscious uncoupling, though the details of such an arrangement are arbitrary and confusing.

“When one spouse is in a coma, it becomes very difficult for the relationship to continue as normal,” says Ichabod Skilling, the pioneer of unconscious uncoupling and a part-time parking garage attendant.

“Unconscious uncoupling allows the conscious spouse to make a positive change and celebrate her independence while the unconscious spouse continues lying there like a schmuck.”

“Ichabod has been wonderful through this whole process,” says Deborah. “He’s come to my house every day this week with wine coolers and soothing music—mostly Marvin Gaye and Barry White.”

“Deborah is a strong, funny, and sexy woman,” says Skilling. “She deserves the chance to rebuild her sense of self-worth and find someone who doesn’t sleep all the time; preferably someone who took a couple psychology courses in community college and was just promoted to shift manager at the downtown Citypark.”

When asked to comment, Jerry Gilbertson remained silent. However, the trickle into his catheter bag had a rather disdainful tone.