The iconic movie matinee idol Charlton Heston has risen from the dead like a neo Jesus Christ to stick up for his National Rifle Association buddies after a gunman shot 70 people, killing 12 including children, at a midnight Batman movie premiere in the Denver area close to Columbine.
Rolling in his grave at the thought of another injustice to his beloved gun club he arose from the grave to make damn sure that didn’t happen. Just like he did after the Columbine High School shootings a short ways away from the Century 16 Theater where the latest killings took place, Heston came to make sure that no danger from anti gun sentiment would infest the normally gun loving attitude of Coloradoans and ruin profits for NRA gunsmiths.
The NRA, though surprised by his appearance, were quick to support their old guru even though he was pretty whiffy after four years in the grave. A Hollywood makeup artist was quickly flown out to patch up the star of The 10 Commandments and Planet of the Apes who in his present state of decay would definitely never be allowed to star in a movie or even get in to see one.
In a new NRA tactic to nip in the bud any damage to the NRA’s profit making ventures, the star will be making speeches next to the funerals and burials of the people killed and in the hospitals where the 62 injured are being treated.
“Buy guns! Buy lots of guns! Guns are good! Guns keep people from getting shot! “ repeated Heston over and over again, sounding more like a half hungered zombie than Moses. He also repeated his famous battle cry from the last time he was in the area “You’ll have to pry this from my dead, cold hands” except in this case his hands really were cold and dead. NRA officials then had to shut him up as he started to say “Shoot anti gun people and liberals instead!” although their hearts weren’t really in it.
Trying to get the dead Heston back in his grave because they didn’t want to have to pay him extra was an ordeal that turned into a tragedy. One of the latecomers, not recognizing him in his present state of decay, got scared and shot him because he looked like one of the zombie-esque attackers from his film Omega Man. Already being dead it didn’t hurt him much, but it didn’t help his looks either.
In an interview with the Century 16 Cinema the owner mentioned that he was angry that the killer snuck into the theater using an exit rather than paying for a ticket.
In a related event Ronald Reagan was also rolling in his grave but concerned officials managed to put a large boulder atop it before he got out.
RottonTomatoes had to close commenting because one of their writers gave a less than flattering review of Batman last week. I can only imagine what a lightening rod this Batman tie in is going to be, refreed.