Northern Bible I: The Disciples Mansplain the Resurrection

Mary Magdalene:

He is risen! Come and see the empty tomb!


Calm down, love. You’re obviously getting a bit emotional. Shouldn’t you be sweeping the ‘ouse now, anyroad?

Mary Magdalene:

No, we have seen it!


I doubt that very much. You know what women are like, when they get an idea in their ‘eads. Gnac, gnac, gnac, all day long!

Mary Magdalene: Come on, James the Just! At least you must believe me, right?

James: Oh for the love o’…. What the ‘ell is it with all these ‘ere strident ‘arpies banging on ‘n’ on about us stupid dreams? You on the flamin’ lash again, lass? Eh? Ohhh, flamin’ Nora wi’ chuffin’ benefits, girl!

Andrew: Ach, wid ye just calm yer pretty wee head down, lassie! Don’t ye know the big lads are talkin’?!

John: That’s the problem. I always told Jesus women meant nothing but trouble. They should be at home, making the dinner. It’s all fine givin’ ’em the same responsibilities as the rest of us, till it all goes tits-up!

Peter: Aye, and they’re all so flaming emotional. Would you let a woman be a judge or a monarch? Nah! So why should they be allowed to act like interlopers, and steal our thunder, Jim lad?!

James: Seriously, man! See our Jesus… All that divine inspiration and outright omniscient infallibility, but no common sense. ‘E were proper soft, that lad! Give these flamin’ woman-folk and inch, and they’ll tek…

Mary Magdalene: You lads are pathetic! Come here and see the…

Peter: Blimey, well is it that time of the month again, or what? Ohhh, would yer just give over, lass!


Peter: Oo! D’yer know what, ‘appen the lasses were right after all! Ee flamin’ did rise ‘imself up an’ all!

Mary Magdalene: So now do you believe me? Aye?


James: …


I suppose a stopped clock is right twice a day, eh?



Mary Magdalene:

One day, you lads will see. Our granddaughters will be dunking your sons in the fonts, so you’d better play nice, aright? We wouldn’t want any nasty accidents to ‘appen now, would we?!



This is the very first instalment of the Northern Bible.

What other chapters would you like to see?



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