Vatican Wafer Gate

Wikileaks has done it again. The release of 3.4 billion database searchable electronic records is reverberating around the Internet with many new stunning revelations.

The latest to be revealed is a series of directives between the US and the Vatican. In what appears to be a quid pro quo, it appears that a deal was struck whereby the Justice Department would “be soft” in prosecuting abusive priests and let the church deal with them in return for letting a GMO ingredient into their communion wafer.

This was only for North American Catholic churches and began during the millennium crisis.

The blow back from such a claim has been protestors showing up ever since at major Catholic churches around the country on Sundays holding placards with slogans like, ” Say No to Terminator Hosts!!”

Pundits have run with the conspiracy theory that it was a mass pilot run of GMO food with good control on quantity and repeatability. Since it has gone on for over a decade, the effects on the individuals who inadvertently consumed a foodstuff not approved, until recently, by the FDA, is of vital interest.

“I noticed it right away,” is a common reply from interviewees, along with, “It tasted better, especially with a sip of wine.” And it appears that the controlled experiment went awry when individuals would go into the confessional booth and ask for more wafers, because they taste so good. They were told about Trader Joe’s special offer on “BoC crackers” which never stay on the shelves for long.

The double dealing by the cracker companies was ignored by the church and the effects of the tainted wafer became more obvious. “Well, that explains why we can’t conceive. Think about it. I’ve been eating a lot of sterile stuff, you know the stuff grows without any replacement seeds…it’s been sterilized and now it did it to me!” , exclaimed another interviewee.

The announced class action lawsuit has spread beyond Catholics to Trader Joe customers with some still asking for the cracker because it is an effective and cheap birth control substance. Of course, the cracker is no longer available at the moment in its purple and gold, highly attractive, box with a scene that could be misconstrued as Calvary, looking at it upside down, or, a close up silhouette of a nubile young girl if you can ignore the BoC logo in the corner.

The name, “BoC” is claimed to be the trademark for “Best of Crackers” and has nothing to do with the Host. The cracker inside, however, looks and tastes the same which is really the appeal to most customers.

There have been skirmishes between protestors at Trader Joe’s in LA. The one group with posters saying, “NO to GMO!” have clashed with the group carrying placards that say, “We want our cracker back!” Will good taste triumph over good sense? The black market for crackers has sprung up at street markets trumpeting identical products in separate packages suspiciously like the original one.

The one offers holistic birth avoidance while the other just says, “For the Connoisseur”. The price difference is curious since they seem identical in look and taste but the latter cracker is by far the most popular and the most expensive. One crass merchant put up a banner that said, ” Shelf life is no problem! These crackers are dead!! Buy three and get one free!”

In contrast to Catholic populations in other parts of the world, the North American Catholics show a drop in birth rate appearing at the same time as the introduction of the “tastier” communion wafer.

Planned Parenthood also reports that Trader Joe’s customers have had fewer children as well as more abortions which may spell trouble for Trader Joe’s in the long run. With so much ancillary evidence the FDA has released a hurried study on cracker demographics which reveal that all crackers have some birth control properties in different measures.

The reports conclusion: “With such simple ingredients we can only conclude that cracker eaters would rather eat crackers than have sex. The conclusion is that this observed phenomena is cultural and not related to any organic (sic) substance.” This conclusion flies in the face of this reporter’s recollection of that age old anonymous homily, “As common as cracker crumbs in bed.”

The Vatican and the White House have both issued, “No comment.” statements with the White House adding, “We have every faith in the FDA.” The silence at the top is contrasted by the commercial response which has been dramatic, particularly in advertising.

Trojan condoms are fighting a drop in sales with a new slogan, “Real men don’t eat crackers!” while Ritz Cracker has released a new package with a resurrected Marlborough man, sitting on his horse munching a, you guessed it, Ritz. The YouTube video de jour, at the moment, is an age old movie of a parrot saying, “Polly wanna a cracker?” and has 15 million downloads and rising.

The voice track has become the most downloaded ring tone as well. The most ludicrous reference to this social media phenomena has come from a fashion designer, Even About. His runway showing of his new collection had each model appear with cheeks bulging with chewed crackers. The models appeared to be whistling while blowing out cracker crumbs at the audience. The longest applauses were for the models who managed the whole run still blowing cracker crumbs.

There may be an end in sight for the Vatican Wafer Gate. Splintering in so many ways and so quickly, like all viral phenomena, it must die out in the end. And we may have found a home for GMO products that meet our demands for control over our bodies. One hears the echo of the true words of that ancient epicurean, Epicurious, “All crummy dead things make good crackers.”