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Popular Orca Handling Preacher Dies From Whale Bite

Popular Orca Handling Preacher Dies From Whale Bite

Cult orca handler and rider Pastor Jamie Coots died early Friday morning after being bitten in half by a killer whale during a non sanctioned religious service at Sea World. The ardent Pentecostal minister preached whales will not harm true believers if they are anointed by God. The practice is illegal in most states but still goes on primarily in cities with ocean-themed amusement parks.

Coots was a third-generation orca handler at the Cetacean Revelation Tabernacle located in San Diego where the congregation says God speaks directly to them from the Book of Jonah. In chapters 1-2 Jonah is swallowed by a whale and harmlessly ralphed up 3 days later.

According to members they would hide in bathroom stalls at the closing of Sea World, emerge several hours later when employees left the park then make their way to Shamu Stadium to conduct their ceremonies.

Congregant witnesses said they had completed preliminary rituals of incantations, speaking in orcinustongue, the laying of hands on Shamu, and treating.  Coots then mounted Shamu for the sacramental “ride around the cement pond” when he suddenly became agitated, bucked Coots off and bit him in half. Members waited several hours before calling paramedics believing Shamu would disgorge Coots’ upper half and be miraculously reattached by Jesus.

“They don’t call them killer Blackfish for nothin” said one congregant who quickly added “maybe we should have treated with something more substantial than Cheeze Its”.

Orca handling has been banned in California since 1989 when two Sea World trainers were killed by rampaging orcas protesting the quality of mackerel tossings and being forced to perform two shows a day.

photo credit: eschipul via photopin cc

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17 Responses to “Popular Orca Handling Preacher Dies From Whale Bite”

  1. Kilroy says:

    Clever melding of two reality stories.

  2. Mad Max says:

    Technically Jonah was swallowed by a “great fish” which is probably where the good reverand went horribly wrong

  3. P. Beckert says:

    Whale schmale. I think Deeptrout nailed this one. Good piece of satire.

  4. deeptrout says:

    Thanks PCake. I wanted to meld several issues in this article including the insanity of fringe religious groups along with the current discussion over the Blackfish documentary…and the Beverly Hillbillies.

    I know you’re not PCake, but you will always be PCake to me…;).

  5. deeptrout says:

    And BTW, an endorsement from you means the world.

  6. deeptrout says:

    A question for writers. I had a problem figuring out how to get the members into Shamu Stadium and landed on the bathroom thingy. Was there a better way to do this and make it plausible for readers?

    The appearance of believability is critical to a competent satire piece.

  7. deeptrout says:

    BTW orcinustongue was a play on words to the Harry Potter parseltongue.

  8. Deep trout says:

    Sometimes I get verklempt because I’m not sure readers will understand some of the obtuse connections I make.

    Am I being too urbane? Comedy is for naught if people don’t laugh at what I write. I can laugh myself but that is only masturbation.

    IMO we write to the audience to make them laugh. If we write to make ourselves laugh we have an audience of one.

    I don’t want to do that.

  9. Deep trout says:

    But sometimes I think I do.

  10. P. Beckert says:

    Ha ha, an endorsement from me means zero in most writing circles. :) But just the same, thanks. As for the story. I’m not going to pick apart piece by piece, I think as it stands it was an enjoyable read and I’d love to see more stuff like this from you. You are proving you don’t need T ‘n A to sell a story. As for the PCakes…there is a Brit I met on FB who calles me PattiCakes. I don’t mind. Just don’t call me late for supper.

  11. Deep trout says:

    I’d like you to pick it apart piece by piece because the only result will make me a better writer.

    I got a thick skin.

  12. Deep trout says:

    If I call you for supper, you’ll know…

  13. Deep trout says:

    …if you show up late, you’ll know.

    ; )

  14. Kilroy says:

    Deeptrout here’s my two cents worth. Yes, sometimes satire can be too obtuse, but that’s the way I like it. You have to pick your audience. Nothing wrong with mixing it up, though. As for you being TOO obtuse, I don’t think so. I get most of the references, albiet sometimes belatedly. Hey, that’s what google is for. Don’t change a thing.

  15. P. Beckert says:

    I’m with Kilroy. I think you nailed this one Deeptrout. I could go back and look at some of your other stuff and make a few comments, but on this one, I really thought it was a fun read and that is what satire should be…first and foremost fun, and secondly, thought-provoking. At least in my opinion. I make things up so much, I can’t tell reality from fiction anymore. It is plausible that there are Orca handling preachers somewhere out there in nutsville.

  16. deeptrout says:

    Thanks for the comments.

    One more, did people get the “cement pond” reference?

  17. Kilroy says:

    Beverly Hillbillys?

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