After years of complaining by stressed out shoppers and overworked retailers, the Catholic Church has finally moved the year’s most important holiday. From now on, Christmas will be celebrated in early February.
Despite the doctrine of papal infallibility, the Church of Rome has accepted that Pope Gregory XIII blew it back in 1582 when he decreed his new calendar. Christmas and New Year’s should never have been jammed together at the end of the year.
By moving Christmas to a comfortable mid-winter location on the calendar, most of the angst associated with this holiday will be eliminated. By early February, most folks are in that pre-suicidal state brought on by the depressing knowledge that winter is only half over. A nice, cheery holiday at that time is just what the doctor ordered.
To further modernize its holiday schedule, the Catholic Church has also decided to move Christmas to the first Friday in February.
“We hava listened to a da people,” said Vatican spokesperson Geiwanna Longa Weekend. “And they say they wanna Christmas on a Friday.”
Anticipating criticism from different corners, the Church claimed that it was, in fact, an innovator in introducing flexible time to the holiday calendar.
“Just a looka at da Easter,” said Cardinal Weekend. “You a getta a Friday and a Monday holiday eacha year. You can even do a like the English for Christmas and have a Boxing Day but put it on the following Monday.”
Asked if this modernization trend would lead to changes in the Church’s position on such things as birth control, gay marriage and female priests, Cardinal Weekend answered with a terse: “Fatta chancea.”
Christmas is coming up way too quickly. I would welcome a move to February. Besides, the after-Christmas sales are way better than the Black Friday sales.