The newest Jihadists have been instructed in a rare, word-of-mouth Al Qaeda fatwa to begin learning the most important teaching of their future suicidehood — that of preparing themselves for their final reward, the 70 black-eyed virgins. So-called “fighters” are being told to marry the widows of those who have fallen before them. They need to prepare physically for the arduous task after their suicides, how to keep 70 virgins happy in the afterlife.
This training is viewed as especially important in a culture that prohibits any form of reliance on male potency pills such as Viagra.
“This is not, I repeat, not an incredible admission of total mission failure,” said Ebe Al Aqmed, a spokesman for Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia. “Considering how central suicide bombings have been to our tactics, we are stepping up the training of our boys to become the virile, masculine men it takes to satisfy 70 virgins.”
Mr. Al Aqmed continued, “Asking our fighters to marry these unfortunate widows will imprint lasting marriage values in the tribes.” Then he said, “We want to show them that there is more to life than just coming to Iraq and immediately dying in suicide bombing attacks. They need to see the long-term value of their lives to their country for their eventual suicides.”
“It’s true that these widows need close protection in a country that wants to be rid of them,” Al Aqmed began to explain. “We want the fighters to experience an earthly reward by having a wife and children. This will prepare them for their ultimate, manly 70-virgin performance, and will also have the impact here of a new generation of jihadists. It’s a call for these emerging fighters to settle down and learn the work they are cut out for.”
Mr. Al Aqmed finally related, “There is nothing more honorable than getting married to the widow of a martyr. Especially if the woman agreed to marry after meeting her new husband just once. That’s a woman with the greatest of mujahedeen values.”